I can’t do this anymore. I just…..can’t.
I met the love of my life close to 5 years ago. Huge age difference….she just turned 18. At first I knew it wouldn’t work, but then out of nowhere I got her pregnant. So…we both decided that it was best to go forward and see how things went. I moved her up here from Florida and we settled in. Our daughter was born just over a year after we had gotten together. Things were……terrific. We were told by so many people that we were the perfect couple. We couldn’t get over each other. We had to be around each other all the time.
I was working two jobs to bring home enough money for us to live. She stayed home with our daughter full time. When she moved up here I was living in a weekly rate hotel. I worked my ass off and after 4 years had managed to move up enough to buy our own house. Everything I ever did was for the two most important people in my life. Every single second I spent was for them.
A couple months ago, I was hit with the, “I feel like I’m living with my best friend. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore” speech. No other guys, she was just bored, and wanted to “experience everything.” Needless to say I took this hard. I started drinking nightly after putting my daughter to bed. I started smoking weed as well. Anything that would relieve the pain at all. We agreed that she would stay in the house with me and our daughter until she saved enough for an apartment. She started her first job in 3 years the day after the breakup.
A week before she was to move, I left my best friend’s house drunk to go home, and ended up getting in a head-on collision on the highway with another car. Injured 2 girls, one really badly. She pretty much broke every bone in her body. She hopes to move one of her arms some day. I was in the hospital for a week myself, and had to undergo surgery on my intestines. The moment I was released from the hospital, I was taken directly to county jail. I was there for 13 days. I have 2 pending felony assault charges. I could go to prison for years, easily. I have no idea when this will happen.
She agreed to stay at the house and get out of her apartment contract to help keep me from losing my house in a lawsuit. So I have come home to a woman that no longer loves me. I’m not sure what’s worse: jail, or this. Everything I do irritates her, no matter how loving or nice. I know that she’s into another guy. I’ve seen that smile when she texts him. She goes out several times a week to party and do whatever.
The day I went to jail she went out with her friend and they brought random guys back to my house, while my daughter was asleep.
I have to things I can think about: the fact that I have to live with a woman who I truly adore and love like no other, who now has absolutely no interest in me, or my pending incarceration for however many years due to severely injuring and ruining another’s life.
Don’t know if I can really do it. Every single day is harder than the last.
My brother went through legal issues around 6 years ago, and committed suicide. Funny thing….if he would have never committed suicide, I would have never met this woman or had our daughter.
I’m not allowed to drink. I’m not allowed to smoke weed. I’m not allowed to leave the house. There aren’t enough cigarettes in the world to make this pain go away. Maybe I can smoke enough cigarettes to give me cancer soon. Maybe I’ll get lucky and get the West Nile Virus….who knows?
I can’t do this anymore. I just…..can’t.
2 comments
I totally understand what you’re going through. I recently initiated the break up (we were together for just over a year) because we were fighting all the time. Even though I was moving on, I was so depressed a downed a load of pills in the hope I’d no longer be here. Cut a long story short, I’m now left with a horrible horrible chronic pain condition and stuck in a wheelchair while she’s met someone in Ibiza. I just want to escape, but make sure it’ll DEFINATELY work.
Bottom line is, do you think you’ll ever feel as happy as you were with her again? If it’s a 5 year sentence it might give you a chance to truly seperate yourself from your past and start again when you’re released. Just have a long hard think about what you think your future holds, from an outside perspective if you can. The you will find your answer.
I can’t really give you any advise for the relationship. The prison sentencing won’t be as bad as you think. Don’t watch too much Hollywood T.V. You’re not going to a place where you’ll be tortured and raped daily, or shanked. The prison system is so over-crowded that most people with convictions like yours end up doing most or all of their time in county jail. This consists of staying in a “block” or “pod” with thirty to fifty other inmates and watching Judge Judy and Law and Order all day. Some jails even have WII, no joke. Your lawyer can usually get your sentence reduced, if you don’t have any prior felonies and once you’re in you can sign up for work detail and usually get your sentence cut in half by working everyday (stuff like cooking or distributing the meals in the jail, or going out and picking up trash on the side of the road. You’ll probably miss your daughter a lot, but the time spent away from your ex, will probably do you some good. The hardest thing you have to deal with, is the fact that you severely injured someone else. I don’t have any advise on that subject either.
I did some time in a county jail and I met a guy in there who used to be an elementary school teacher. He got drunk at a party one weekend and decided to drive home. On the way out of the parking lot, he ran over a teenage girl. His sentence was two years. He got it reduced to eighteen months and only twelve months being jail time, with the other six months being probation. Once in jail, he joined the kitchen staff and worked his entire sentence which reduced the sentence to six months in jail and six months probation.
You’ll do your time and it will be over before you know it. I still think the hardest part by far, will be dealing with the fact that you hurt someone else. You may want to consider doing some volunteer work when you get out, in an attempt to make things right with yourself.