I’ve been battling depression since the age of 13. In my community depression is seen as a sin. So I developed an outer shell that showed the world all was well. At 33 almost 34 married to a loving wife and 2 beautiful daughters, how is it that I can be so blessed yet so empty? Why do I consider death as a reprieve?
People, when I have broached the subject tell me it’s all in my mind, I opened up to my wife and she says she’ll help but is indifferent towards me now. I’m not even hanging on by a thread and up […]
Tag:
indifferent
People say that indifference is evil. I agree with this. However, people also claim that the planet is not evil, or good, but indifferent. It is argued that this is a beautiful thing- no reason to be upset about it. This argument has no logical consistency. This seems to be the hallmark of the healthy person, from what I’ve observed- this ability to lie to yourself, to change the facts to fit your opinion, to make the world make more sense to you, so you can keep swimming through all this shit, so you don’t really give a fuck about children dying in other countries, […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I always wonder why I’m here, why i was born? This limbo is actually quite fun, no feeling whatsoever, indifferent if i lived or died tomorrow.
They once told me that when every human is born, they are afraid of death. That our natural instincts tell us to live. For some reason, I was born different. From as far back as I could remember, I was never afraid of dying. When I was young, if a car was racing towards me, I would calmly step out of the way without ever feeling anything. If I was in the ocean and I couldn’t stay afloat, I would simply think about how my life didn’t matter anyway. But as I grew, that indifference to life and death morphed into something different. It changed […]
It’s been quite some time since I last posted here. Life was difficult (and in many ways still is) when I was a regular contributor. A quick recap: chronic pain/back injury, constant struggle to get necessary medications to manage said pain to maintain something akin to a “normal” life, got destroyed in the housing market collapse – lost two houses, and child support enforcement that seems to think I a gazillionaire when I can barely afford to eat – never mind that all “children” are adults.
There’s a plethora of other smaller issues that contribute, and some of those listed above – particularly the child support […]
I’m not technically suicidal. I just wish I were dead. The relief. Or someone else who is normal. I am bipolar and I cannot be genuine in relationships. I cannot date. I keep myself to myself on my personal time. My best friends are all those I had as a young child. I was always funny (what fucked up person isn’t the funniest?) At work I am the funny hard worker. You’ll never see me bring depression or sadness into the workplace. No one would have a clue I’m drowning in my own ego. My friends don’t know anything. One actually complimented me just last […]
Where is he. This omnipotent, omnipresent so called benevelent being that people fall to their knees and give all the glory. He seems completely indifferent to our suffering as we are indifferent to suffering of ants (such simple delicate little creatures) as they are crushed under our feet and we don’t even give it a second thought? If we are truly his children then ask yourself this; If you had a child would test his virtue with tribulations like disease, famine, pestilence, war and natural disasters? If so then what kind of parent are you? Think of the acursed realms of the world; sudan, palestine, […]
I am lonely.
Mostly on days like today. I feel so completely alone though I am surrounded by so many people. So many people who might care, if I told them that is. But the thing is, even though I am surrounded by caring people, none of them notice.
Some days I get asked a simple question, “Are you okay?” and I know that I should quit lying. I should stop pasting on a smile and giving them some bullshit answer such as “I’m fine,” or on days I can barely muster that smile, “I’m just tired,”. As if lying to everyone around me will […]
I’ve felt this way for all of my life up until now. I don’t necessarily think this is bad; I realize it’s simply my nature to feel this way, and no matter what I do, I am always going to feel somewhat excluded. Nevertheless, this feeling is also something that can backfire if it goes completely unchecked and is combined with outer and/or inner negativity.
And that is exactly what has happened to me.
I’ve wasted my life on nothing. I pretty much have nothing and am nothing nowadays. I’ve de-evolved greatly; there really is nothing now that positively defines me. I just…am; I’m just here, taking […]