I’ve felt this way for all of my life up until now. I don’t necessarily think this is bad; I realize it’s simply my nature to feel this way, and no matter what I do, I am always going to feel somewhat excluded. Nevertheless, this feeling is also something that can backfire if it goes completely unchecked and is combined with outer and/or inner negativity.
And that is exactly what has happened to me.
I’ve wasted my life on nothing. I pretty much have nothing and am nothing nowadays. I’ve de-evolved greatly; there really is nothing now that positively defines me. I just…am; I’m just here, taking up space, unbeknownst to others. I’m like a restless ghost, an android. I am incredibly dumb and socially awkward, and my mood seems to permanently be fixated on indifference or unhappiness. I spend too much time with myself, but I focus too much on everyone else. I just don’t feel like anything is really for me, and I feel as if I am supposed to be a mere ‘enabling spectator’.
I don’t know how to stop being and feeling this way. Now I really don’t belong with anyone or anything. I feel so hopeless and strange and all I really want is to actually disappear.
4 comments
I know how you feel about not really belonging and nothing being real, like being a spectator, I’ve never truly connected with people, just sleepwalking through life, feeling miserable and all I wish is that I could just cease to exist.
Hi. I relate to your story. I never thought I was a waste until I was told through being discarded by loved ones including my adult kids and ex husband – and being raised by a drunk pill addict.
I have pretty much given up hope after trying so hard to change myself and not others – fuck. That didn’t work either. Who else would be the scapegoat if I improved?
Today is my bday.
My kid called my parents the other day knowing I was there. I was told by my kid upon trying to talk to her that she never wants to talk to me again. That she is NOT OPEN TO IT and she only called to speak to my parents. My parents have kept it from me in the past, apparently.
I was ignored on all holidays including mothers day.
Its always me having to smile through the hurt or my family rails on me. Its always about them. SO I shut my fucking mouth and stuff the agony.
I know what you mean about socially awkward. I did not used to be like this. Now I am terrified of people.
When you feel as crappy as you and I do – it’s only normal to feel like disappearing. Not that it is a comfort to know this – but I want you to know I hear you. And I wish I could offer you more hope. I am sorry you are feeling so badly. You too, nias.
Hi, I relate to your post, feeling like a spector who is too dumb and socially awkward to enjoy life. I’m scared of people and have got into such a deep depression that I can’t see a way out. I feel like I have no interests and im that I’m a shell of a person. The doctors have diagnosed me with bipolar disorder but I think it’s something more like a personality disorder. I have got worse over the last few years, I never used to have such little hope.
Thank you for your posts. I am glad you could relate to my weird rant. Well, not glad; it’s comforting to know that I am not the only one on here that feels this way, but I am also upset because it’s unfortunate that you guys are going through something similar.
Happy belated birthday, DyingToHaveWorth. I too wish I had more hope for you and nias and beckyw17…