- Hey, I’m a girl, to be perfectly honest I’ve tried everything on getting better at doing life and all I end up is putting myself into hospital and hurting people around me. Yes I want to die. And yes I wil. One day. I’ve ended up here seeking help, so who knows I wanna find someone to relate to. I can’t be the only one wanting to loose my breath in the dense capacity of the ocean or breath in the sickening toxins of carbon monoxide on a daily basis? 🙁
I have schizoid personality disorder and basically I’ll never get “better” from that.
After loads of research I’ve discovered that the life I’ve wanted has basically been the root cause of my depression.
I know there’s exceptions but
Schizoid people don’t typically get married let alone have dating relationships
Schizoid people don’t have children
Schizoid people can’t or don’t work in most professions
Basically I’ll never have a healthy or happy relationship with anybody and that’s why my marriage failed and my current relationship is likely to fail as well.
I may have brought my daughter home from foster care but I’ll never be the loving mother she needs. I’ll probably destroy her more than anything. Worse yet I’m currently pregnant with #2
300+ job applications and 5 years of working and 2 total interviews. I’m going to have to be on disability.
Essentially I’m a worthless sack of shit according to any standard. Emotionally, family wise, and professionally.
If I were smart I’d kill myself immediately upon giving birth (physically harming another is against my suicide rules) I doubt I will though. Right now I sincerely hope to die during labor, that will ease some of the pain for those left behind.
If I had my stash on me right now it could just be over. I go back and forth from being invincible to being invisible. None of this is real and it’s all a fun game, a “fun” game. Everybody wins, everybody loses. I don’t know what could make this change, I just don’t see why it’s worth it. I know I have a pretty poor self worth but it’s hard to feel good about yourself when they keep telling you you’re doing everything wrong. You know everyday is just a pointless attempt to keep my body here for the sake of everyone else, my mind is already gone. They look at me like I have a huge sign on my forehead saying “suicidal”.. they know I’m a liar and I hate them for lying. Why don’t people hate me more so I can just go get fucked up and finally make the jump… Please just make it stop
Dont read this
I have been living this fucked up life for almost 3 years now. i am a huge failure. in academics. in sports. in love. in almost everything. My parents think that i should never have been born . I put their head down un front of public. They want to make me an Engineer , but i don’t even know what i want to do . i just want to die. its not just about them . i am too fucked up . i am geniunely a big paranoid that everyone hates me for no reason. i am constantly hoping things will get better but also wondering what if they never will ? and the worst part ? when i try to be happy , depression pulls me in. i am eroded . i just hate myself so much . had blade cuts in my wrists. but did not succeed. i beg every time i go to the temple in front of God to end this life. I literally beg to end this life . And with my death i don’t think it will even count to all. i am done trying i am done fighting. i am done. JUST DONE.