Met this cool guy that seemed like everything I wanted. But the way we met ruined any chances of anything normal or positive happening. And not to mention he lives in a different city and our lives are leading us down different paths. I went to see him and we had dinner and we talked and got to know each other I guess. Once I got home things started clicking and I realized that he lied about how old he was. I don’t know why he did either way it doesn’t matter. It was disappointing but when we talked the things he said I honestly […]
Why do we even try? Before we were born, nothing existed to us, and when we die, we’ll return to the same non-existent state where nothing will matter to us anymore because, well, we just won’t “be”. Soon, our accomplishments and memories will fade within the skies and the soil, and sure, some of us may be remembered, but even then, does it really last that long? Is it worth doing anything if it’ll all crumble? Honestly, it’s complicated…
Just watching the sand trickle down the glass. Feels like time is short. I’m not afraid anymore. There’s not even any anticipation. Just a feeling of inevitable fact. Like punching in on a time clock, knowing you’ll be punching out on that same time clock shortly. Just a perpetual circle that is fated to be broken. Maybe I will be back, maybe I won’t. Either way, will it even matter. Going to try to ride out the next few days and attempt to ignore the eternal fishing pole that is calling my name. It’s getting harder and harder to drown out and I know I’ll […]
I am not fit for this world. my whole life I have been ‘that weird kid’ with maybe one friend at a time. I was never properly integrated into the chaotic social structure inside which resides any and all hope of being happy, and it is because of this that I am approaching the end…
I have been thinking about suicide for as far back as I can remember, but it was only recently that I got serious and began my new hobby of noose-tying. I know a lot of people on here say they are ‘horrible people’ and all that, but for me I think […]
Really suicidal tonight. I’m so sick of life, of hurting, of empty fuckin promises. Tired of loosing people i love. Its like there’s a black hole where my heart is supposed to be, nno matter what i do i feel nothing but emptiness and pain. though this is only my second, I’m thinking this will be my last post.
goodnight
My first diagnosis–clinical depression–was made shortly after I turned 11 in fifth grade. My first antidepressant was Zoloft when I was starting eighth grade. I’m 34 now. My medication history reads like the shelves of a pharmacy: antidepressants, benzodiazopines, sedatives, and antipsychotics galore. When I was 25, a doctor pinned down the correct main diagnosis, and I learned what stigma among the mentally ill is like. No one likes people with Borderline Personality Disorder, no matter how unlike the stereotype that person is.
I had two periods of time when I thought I had healed. One was last summer until […]
He did it to me again. Last night, he saw the intent in my eyes. And he trapped me.
Showered with loving kisses, pleading words for me not to go. A couple years ago I would have considered myself lucky, to have found someone who yearns for me to live. I now know the truth of it all.. love is selfish. Each kiss he plants on my body is a new shackle tying me up to this life. Every inch of my body, covered in thorned threads, adorning me with love and blood, imprisoning me to this very existence. “Don’t leave me..” he whispers. “You promised […]
Minutes feel like hours days feel like years.Can’t get these fleeting thoughts of misery out of my head.I’m nearing the end I can feel it.I climb the 8 floors of an open parking garage multiple times a week trying to gather the courage to toss myself over the edge and end all the torment that I feel inside .I can’t get any peace no matter what I do I end up feeling so alone so sad so empty .I failed there’s nothing else to do nothing else to say.
My classmate killed himself last week and this morning was his funeral. Many of our professors and classmates attended, specifically from our year. Some were saying he shot himself, others were saying he hanged, but it doesn’t matter since he succeeded. The thing about him is that he was the life of the party and was the popular one in school; he was not the one expected to pass away. Whereas here I am, the loner, and I was planning on being the one to die in our year. I would not be as much of a loss to anyone. If I knew he was […]
Just so that I can see who would miss me?
Because right now it feels like no one would.
Like my life is so insignificant that it doesn’t matter if I’m here or not.
I don’t think my roommates would care.
I’m the only girl living in house of guys.
They don’t notice the cuts on my wrist.
Or that I spend most days crying in my room.
Or maybe they do and they just don’t care.
Either way it’s not their fault. I’m the one who is broken.
I just wish that someone would notice.
I’m just so fucking lonely.
It’s suffocating.
Every single day I live life feeling like i’m constantly suffocating.
Well, I’m not sure it’s even called suicidal, but it’s a case if depression either way. But it feels so much more than a depression. All I want right now is to end my life, kill myself, get an early grave. But here’s the fucked up part: I’m afraid of death. I can only imagine that it’s simular to being stabbed multiple times in the heart frequently throughout the day, every fucking day, without dying. I want to end the pain, but I don’t dare. I can’t, but some day I fear that it’ll drive me even more insane. So insane that I actually stab […]
I thought last night would be the end, but I still find myself here. I’m so tired of feeling this way but I can’t change it. I still love her every second of every day. Without her there is no point to life. It hurts to breathe knowing I will never see her again. At the same time I can’t get over her leaving me and treating me like I’m nonexistant. She erased me like our 5 1/2 years together didn’t even happen. Or mean anything at all. And her kids did the same. Yet despite all that, I still love them and long to […]
For the first time in 7 months, I find myself contemplating how things would be if it had worked the first time. Or the second.
I believe I’m a very manipulative person. I have been manipulative with almost everyone I care about in one way or another. I do it to one person all the time without even realizing it. That’s how natural it has become. I don’t want to be this way. It disgusts me that I attempt to control the ones I love. Not gonna state any reasons because there’s no justification. I’ve been trying hard to work on it, but all I’m doing is second-guessing myself. I feel like no matter what I say it’s solely to benefit myself. We’re all selfish, and it’s healthy to an […]
Now i can only build if i tare the walls down
Even if it brakes me i won’t let it make me frown
I’m fallin but no matter how hard i hit the ground
I’ll still smile
I keep analyzing myself and trying to find a more accurate way of defining what goes on in my head. By definition, It is almost like some violent form of ADHD. There are these sort of sensory gates that feed information to the brain. For someone with ADHD, those gates never close. There is this constant, overwhelming stream of information being fed to the brain at all times. So from what I can tell, (correct me if I’m wrong) a normal train of thought […]
They can’t harm you
Locked in this chair
The TV blares in the background
Like it is your friend
The two dimensional connection
It’s almost like they’re looking at you
Outside this room
Where the skin gets peeled
Nobody licks your wounds
They look right through you
On their way to their next appointment
Your blood marks their shoes
But still they don’t know you
So where do you find the hand
The promise that this is not a bad joke
That you are not just dark space
The phone rings
Somebody wants to sell you something
You tell them that they’re voice doesn’t matter
As a futurist, i got to thinking last month – What if we passed a national law that would allow everyone who is alive today, to have there brains preserved by cryogenics upon death until science and technology advanced enough to not only bring us back but far enough into the future were suffering abolition is scientifically possible?
I say just the brain to save space and money. I believe that in the future, 3D printing like tech will advance enough to build an exact but better replica of your body around your brain. Along with your original brain, there will be your original memory, and implanted memories […]
you guys know, a year ago I thought I will just change my life. I will make a plan- work hard- make money- get tall and handsome with surgery- get girls- make something out of my life. rofl who was i kidding? for this one fucking year I have been making plans after plans but none work. I just guess that not everyone is meant to have a happy life no matter how hard they try.
My life is a constant struggle for mediocrity. I feel like Sisyphus in a way. I constantly struggle to achieve anything in my life… but it never amounts to anything.
No matter how hard I try and scrabble out from under the rubble, it’s like my fingers get smacked down by a shovel, or run over by a mower… I can never dig my way out, never get free.
But at the same time, I can’t just do nothing either… if I just don’t try, I get burred down, covered more and more. Suffocating me until I have no choice but to suffocate or to lash out […]