Well, I’m not sure it’s even called suicidal, but it’s a case if depression either way. But it feels so much more than a depression. All I want right now is to end my life, kill myself, get an early grave. But here’s the fucked up part: I’m afraid of death. I can only imagine that it’s simular to being stabbed multiple times in the heart frequently throughout the day, every fucking day, without dying. I want to end the pain, but I don’t dare. I can’t, but some day I fear that it’ll drive me even more insane. So insane that I actually stab myself and die.
Why do I feel this way? My immidiet (you spell it like that right?) answer when I asked myself that was: “Who gives a shot?,” and I think that says a lot actually. I’m in a world where I’m not seen, not included, not cared about – I’m just there. I’m the guy (yes) who fills the void in a gap of space, I’m the supporting actor in the story about my own life. I give love to my “friends” and those I know, I help them out, I support them, I back them up, I give and give and give so much.
And at the end of the day it doesn’t fucking matter, because I don’t fucking matter. I’m simply the ugly, lonely, awkward waste of life that’s supposed to be kicked around, stepped on, broken and tossed when they’ve got what the want.
I try to leave it alone, and pretend that it’s only something my mind does to me. But even when I actually manage to leave it alone and don’t think about it, I’m reminded that I don’t actually live for any reason at all. I’m not doing anything with my life. I’m not good enough to do anything, become what I want and who I want. I’m alive, but not living. So I don’t get any peace with myself, because if it isn’t one thing, it’s the other.
And when it’s both at the same time, holy shit. It’s like being strangled, stabbed and burned alive at the same time. You think I’m being overly dramatic? Well it’s true. These are the worst moments of the day. At these moments it seems insane that I haven’t killed myself yet.
I don’t feel like I’ve been able to describe my situation as awful as it actually is. It’s hard to get the words a out for what I truly feel. There is so much more going on than this, but if someone gives a big enough shit to read all of this, I truly applaud you. Because those of you who have read all of this cares more than my family, my “friends”, my former psychiatric who just gave me some pills and told me to fuck off basically or anyone.
So thank you.