Well, I’m not sure it’s even called suicidal, but it’s a case if depression either way. But it feels so much more than a depression. All I want right now is to end my life, kill myself, get an early grave. But here’s the fucked up part: I’m afraid of death. I can only imagine that it’s simular to being stabbed multiple times in the heart frequently throughout the day, every fucking day, without dying. I want to end the pain, but I don’t dare. I can’t, but some day I fear that it’ll drive me even more insane. So insane that I actually stab myself and die.
Why do I feel this way? My immidiet (you spell it like that right?) answer when I asked myself that was: “Who gives a shot?,” and I think that says a lot actually. I’m in a world where I’m not seen, not included, not cared about – I’m just there. I’m the guy (yes) who fills the void in a gap of space, I’m the supporting actor in the story about my own life. I give love to my “friends” and those I know, I help them out, I support them, I back them up, I give and give and give so much.
And at the end of the day it doesn’t fucking matter, because I don’t fucking matter. I’m simply the ugly, lonely, awkward waste of life that’s supposed to be kicked around, stepped on, broken and tossed when they’ve got what the want.
I try to leave it alone, and pretend that it’s only something my mind does to me. But even when I actually manage to leave it alone and don’t think about it, I’m reminded that I don’t actually live for any reason at all. I’m not doing anything with my life. I’m not good enough to do anything, become what I want and who I want. I’m alive, but not living. So I don’t get any peace with myself, because if it isn’t one thing, it’s the other.
And when it’s both at the same time, holy shit. It’s like being strangled, stabbed and burned alive at the same time. You think I’m being overly dramatic? Well it’s true. These are the worst moments of the day. At these moments it seems insane that I haven’t killed myself yet.
I don’t feel like I’ve been able to describe my situation as awful as it actually is. It’s hard to get the words a out for what I truly feel. There is so much more going on than this, but if someone gives a big enough shit to read all of this, I truly applaud you. Because those of you who have read all of this cares more than my family, my “friends”, my former psychiatric who just gave me some pills and told me to fuck off basically or anyone.
So thank you.
2 comments
You are probably a victim of the corrupt society that we have been brought into. You are not the only one who is feeling tortured like this but all around you people are ignoring you because no one can see what is really going on. God does… He sees what has become of this world and justice will be broughten upon those who are poisoning it and His people. The world is overrun by wickedness and corruption and when his people get sucked into it and then figure it out little by little, the more overcome with sorrowfulness we become. Both because of what it has done to us and the fact that we have to face the rest of our days knowing the truth. Truth beyond what the wicked will ever see. I will be gone soon and ask God to hurry and destroy this torturous hell on earth.
I did read your post and I want to tell you that I understand how you feel. You don’t have to explain or justify your pain to anyone. Your situation is yours and yours alone, and that makes it unique. I recognize some of myself in your post. Givers like us are vulnerable by nature and the selfish people of the world will always prey on us. Unfortunately, that is human nature. It shouldn’t be, but it is.
You, and you alone, know your capacity for pain and anguish. The only way to measure it is in your own mind, heart and soul. You say that the only reason you are still alive is your fear of death. While that may be true, there is another reason to consider. No matter your daily pain and distress, maybe your will to live is still intact deep inside? You’re the only one that can answer that.