I thought I had life figured out, but I don’t. I’m so tired of people telling me that getting good grades or graduating from college takes away the pain of empty or loneliness; it doesn’t. I’ve graduated twice now and I can’t feel happy and it doesn’t bring me joy. I used to have this awesome imagination and I used to believe that anything was possible, but the devil has taken that away from me. And yes I believe in God, I always have. I know he is powerful and mighty and I know he is working for someone, but the devil has definitely kept […]
So I just found this website o whatever today and I guess I thought it would be a good way to right the things I can’t say out loud to anyone even though I know no one will probably read this. I’ve been depressed for the last 5 years and I finally decided to see a psychologist about it since my self harm problem has started up again and my suicidal thoughts have been getting stronger. The only problem is my mom, I can’t tell her why i want to see a psychologist because she’d freak and never let me leave the house alone ever […]
Don’t know what “set me off” but now I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Maybe God will answer me this time.
Until then I’m going to blast the fuck out of some angry music and hope night time rolls around quickly so everyone goes away and I can have my blade. Dammit what’s wrong with me
I guess life never was that lively after all.
Everything feels so strained and useless.
I drag dulling razors over my skin, just for a taste of existance. Just to fucking feel. I need to know I’m still alive. I’m breathing but decomposing inside. I cannot see any point anymore. Better off taking some asprin and cutting in the bath. Because I’m completely over all this. I’m over blood clots, I’m over this numb base line seeping farther and farther each night, I’m so fucking over all of it.
This book is one of the major reasons my life is on a positive trend in recent months. In Feb and March, as some of you know, I put all the legal pieces together and tied up my loose ends…..I was ready to drive from PHX to SF and act on the lure of the Bridge. I had severe insomnia and had not slept more than 3 or 4 hours in several days. I found this book online, ordered it for my Kindle. I read it straight through (thank you, insomnia).
I don’t have Kevin’s Bi-Polar disorder, nor do I have Schizophrenia….I am diagnosed with treatment […]
I’m so fucking tired of waking up every night. It takes everything in me to just go to work (I work nights). The only thing I look forward to is sleeping all weekend. Got some bars so it shouldn’t be a problem as long as people will leave me alone. Happy go lucky people make me fucking nauseous. My mind just doesn’t work that way. I see the negativity in everything. People always say to focus on the things that make you happy. I can’t make anyone understand that there is nothing that makes me happy except the fact that I have a bottle of […]
Although my scars have been covered with tattoos, I have recently been noticing that they tell a beautiful story. A story of strength and triumph.
I spoke with a young girl last night who had just cut herself, still ripe with both the physical and emotional pain. I didn’t know this girl, but I loved her so, my heart bled for her. She said “how can anyone understand me?” My scars showed her that at least one person could.
In that moment I became thankful for my scars, […]
I saw this once. Every day, write a letter to someone in or out of your life. I posted something last night about feeling empty, and how I felt like I didn’t have a soul, but maybe I can find some meaning like this? I don’t know. I have to try. Maybe it will keep me from feeling like I’ve got nothing.
After all, I keep trying to tell people that only you can define your life. Only you can fill it with meaning, because without your love and care and work, it is, essentially, meaningless. Maybe I’ll define my life by confronting the things that […]
02/09/2011
My grandfather was more like a dad then my actual father was he helped me through everything I spent all the time I possibly could with him he loved me and he always told me he did I always told him I loved him but one day I went to school and my teacher came and told me I had to leave school at 9 and my mom was coming to pick me up I was really excited cause I never got to leave school when it was 9 I got in the car and went home my dad was sitting […]
Tomorrow morning, the morning of 29/04/2014, I will wake up for the last time. I’m going to make sure my family are at work and school, and the I am going to give myself CO poisoning. For the first time in 8 months I am happy, because I know that before mid day I will be dead and at peace forever. I couldn’t bring myself to write a note to my family, I doubt anything I could say would assuage their guilt and sorrow but I hope that one day they will realise that some people don’t want to live and that trying to make […]
When you cant seem to sleep at night,
because the stress is just eating at your mind.
And you know, that this body of yours has taken such a toll.
I can no longer tell the difference of what is just in my mind and what’s reality.
Whether it’s from the drugs, alcohol, or lack of sleep,
I’m just 2 parts broken and 3 parts fucked up.
But I really wish they knew.
I wish they knew how I deal with it all.
And if they knew my last resort was the sharp point of my paintbrush.
If they knew I painted delicate lines on the […]
I tried to tell
They don’t listen
I tried to yell
They kept me prisoned
Everyday
I wake up the same
Open both eyes to see if I’m still afraid
Waiting to just go away
I keep living
Pretending everything’s okay
Every night
I go to bed the same
Squeeze both eyes
as they pour out all my pain
Am I going insane?
Until that moment
That my body can’t bear the pain
And I just fall asleep to stay sane
And then one day
I never got the night
To pour out all my pain
the cuts on my body did the same
As it took my […]
“Keep it in
Don’t let it out
You have to be strong
You can’t be weak
You have to move on
Don’t let them see
That you’re in pain
Don’t let them notice
That you’re slowly breaking
Don’t cry in public
But instead in your room
With the door closed
The music blasting
So they don’t hear the sobs
They can’t hear the screams
Though they never would
Even without the music
Because the screams you scream
Are silent like the night
You can’t let them know
You have to go on
Live on being strong
Don’t trip and fall down
Because there is no […]
I didn’t successfully attempt my suicide last night. I had my beers and accidentally got too drunk, threw up, and fell asleep. I have all of the basic materials to complete my task. A bag and rope for restraint, is what its come down too. I’ve tried so many methods in the past that I clearly failed at. I’m so disappointed that I’m even writing this now and not just murdering myself.
I just need the sheer willpower to withstand the agony involved with asphyxiation. I’ll have it soon..
i was really depressed almost 2 years ago. i would cry my eyes out every evening, and hope that the next cut would end everything. but that didn’t happen. i called that stage “sick” so if i talk about the times i was depressed, i would say:”when i was sick”. so a couple of weeks ago it was a casual morning, when this girl that used to be my best friend but now we both hate each other, came up to me and started yelling. than in class my teacher made me feel like shit, and worthless. i just kept my mouth shut. i actually […]
Its nights like these that I really fucking miss what we had. Holy shit we clicked like I never had with anyone else. I miss laying bed with you watching anime or some other lame ass shit on your lap top. Then making trips at 1 am to the store and picking up $40 worth of junk food. I wonder if you give a shit all the time. That maybe if I gave you a call or a text maybe we could try again. I know that will never happen, but it feels good thinking about it. Sometimes I wish I didnt have these memories […]
Frozen moments down the drain,
Ive been bitten by their mark.
Their coldness seeps into my veins
And crack my sullen heart.
Distorted by the raining wet,
An endless shroud of filmy grey,
I only see your silhouette
Stretched into the night then day.
My heart’s a bowl of tarnished tears
Carved by ceaseless thoughts of you,
worn ragged by the endless years
Of suffocating, singing blues.
I drink so memories decay,
to waste away’s my only duty.
so that my minds in disarray
Into an abyss of nightmarish beauty.
A rainbow made of rusty marrow
Ebbs into the dusk so dim,
Leaving a rainy arc so narrow
Of […]
ill never be able to accept love , i just don’t see how it is possible.I have done so much wrong. He shows me more love than anyone in my entire life ever has and yet all i can think about is jumping off that cliff or slicing my wrists and watching all the pain end, but i know that no matter how much i wish for that I could never be that selfish…..never! Â I have more than so many people in this world so please tell me why i wish of this every night, tell me why that when Someone I finally actually likes […]
I want to live somewhere cool
a land where palm trees grow
a place where in one hour’s drive
I’ll be in mountain snow.
Someplace with orange, tangerine, and avocado trees
where afternoon’s ocean breeze
will gently sway their leaves.
Where blonde girls in tight tops will suck
sticky popsicles
as cops pass by, wearing shorts
while riding bicycles.
City, suburbs, country too
Lots of hilly humps.
Deep blue skies and fluffy clouds
For days and weeks and months.
I’ll live somewhere near the beach
and call it paradise.
I’ll stick my toes in the sand
and think “Ah, this is nice”.
I’ll watch the sun set every night
with Heineken in hand
and thank my lucky stars I’m finally in the promised land. http://www.fodors.com/wire/Carryon-relaxing-beach.jpg
i just realized that i stayed up the whole night drinking and doing nothing. its 7 AM. and i’m quite drunk. is this bad? I’m usually pretty good about my alcohol consumption.