I thought I had life figured out, but I don’t. I’m so tired of people telling me that getting good grades or graduating from college takes away the pain of empty or loneliness; it doesn’t. I’ve graduated twice now and I can’t feel happy and it doesn’t bring me joy. I used to have this awesome imagination and I used to believe that anything was possible, but the devil has taken that away from me. And yes I believe in God, I always have. I know he is powerful and mighty and I know he is working for someone, but the devil has definitely kept me down for a long time. Mostly my whole life, but this last 2 years has been brutal. And I don’t know if there is a ending in sight unless I do it myself. I really wanted to eat the pills I had last night, put the knife through my chest, but today is my friends birthday and she would have that memory for ever and then I would be selfish, but I woke up today thinking hard about dying. I woke up asking why am I still here. And I appreciate the people who have taken a moment to talk to me, I’m grateful. Does anyone live in ohio?
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Have you figured out what brings you serious joy?
Well yes. Unfortunately, life has just fallen apart and I’m not very good at rebuilding anymore. I usually run when life gets hard but I’ve been trying to be strong enough to stay put and just deal, but each day is filled with more empty or people using me and less joy.
Oh, hi, o. I be livin’ in da buckey state. I have to ask, though, why would someone tell you that graduating from college would make you less lonely, or feel less empty? Also, what field of study did you take?
English. I have a BA in English and a MA in composition. Went back for a MFA, but I’m not sure. I guess they say that because they think that graduating is the ultimate prize.
University is only helpful if you really like what you’re studying, or if it’ll open up new occupational prospects once you’ve graduated, but I wouldn’t think it would alleviate loneliness on its own. It may help give you a new perspective on things, but education is about learning facts and systems, while society itself is a totally different animal.
I can’t say whether the grandmother mentioned on your post yesterday, or any of the persons commenting there, will help you. I hope they do. People used to help me, but I’ve pretty much used them up, or they’ve gotten too old to carry my burdens for me anymore.
A knife or pills will work for getting another visit to the behavioral health ward. At least the Utah system doesn’t make people go through the farce of slicing their arms before they do anything. I don’t know if that is true in Ohio.
You reasoned that killing yourself on a friend’s birthday today would be selfish. But if it is selfish today, then it will still be selfish tomorrow. And Monday. And next week. And next year.
I guess that actually your friends and family and so on really have no say–they can’t stop you from doing something your’re determined to do, nor do they have a right to govern your life. The worse aspect of suicide is not so much that it’s selfish as that it’s irreversible.
Best of the planet’s luck to you.
Very true. I know my grandmother won’t help, and honestly I don’t want her help. But thank you for your comment
well if you look at the world in such stark metaphysical terms, you will do nothing but add mass confusion, in my opinion.
The devil? Study the History of belief in the devil,, You have all these beliefs you have just taken on.
You know in Genesis it states that Adam & Eve had (have) no knowledge of good or evil in the Garden of Eden. This is because good & evil are two sides of the same coin. One cannot be known without the other and it is this very ‘fall’, into pairs of opposites (conventional subject/object cognition), that is described in Genesis. So long you look at the world in such a fragmented and divisive way, (this being your world view. The struggle between the forces of good and the forces of evil. When if you look at little closer what you find is these are,more often than not, completely relative. What is good is what is good for us), so long will it appear that way.