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My Story…

by Airrie

I’ve heard so many life stories… Some sad, some happy, and some all of the above, but now I want to share mine… So here we go… Hey, my name is Arianna… I’m a 13 year old girl. I guess you could say I’ve been through a lot in life, but not as much as others… Currently I’m in a depression.. I lose and gain my appetite all the time, for no reason at all, I’ll get sad and or angry at myself, and lastly….. I self-harm… It all started 2-3 years ago. I was being bullied by two boys, that I will not name. These boys would remind me that I was fat… I’d usually just ignore it, I would pretend it didn’t faze me.. But that just made them try harder. One day they called me all of these names, that I rather not repeat. I couldn’t take it anymore. These boys lived in my neighborhood so I could easily walk home, so that’s what I did. I stormed inside crying and yelling for my mom, but she was with her friend, five or so houses down the street. My eyes instantly fell on a drawer filled with utensils like wooden spoons, spatulas, and knives. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, telling myself I wouldn’t do it. I would not turn to knives and sharp objects to cope with my feelings and emotions… But that’s exactly what I did; I grabbed the sharpest knife from that drawer and ran to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet lid, debating on whether I should permanently scar my body. That’s when all of the thoughts and memories flooded my brain.. All the times I was called names, all the times I felt worthless and all the times I thought the world would be better off without me… I took that knife I slid it against my wrist 4-5 times and countless times on my ankle… Something triggered in me that day, something that I would regret forever.. Skip a few months. I didn’t harm myself at all over those few months. Yes, I was still being called names by the two boys that had started the bullying from the beginning. The eldest one somewhat died down on the whole bullying thing, but the youngest kept on trying harder and harder. My mom soon found out, she checked my wrists, nothing. Skip about a year later. I didn’t self-harm at all. One of them moved and the other stopped bullying me. I thought the self-harm thing was just faze, but I was wrong… I started hating my body and was just always depressed.. I began cutting again more and more, but only my legs and or my stomach… I’m not proud of what I’ve been doing for several years now; I don’t just go around telling people either. I know I need help, but I just don’t simply want it. I know I should stop, but I cant.. It’s harder to stop then to begin. Everyone copes with their feelings differently… The way I cope with mine just happens to be one of the ways how many, many others cope with theirs… And I also do think about suicide all the time.

 

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gkks 5/19/2016 - 2:21 pm

Ariana I commented on your previous post. Check out what I wrote there. It is what I would comment on this post as well. You are very young. Life is hard and I know it but you have many beautiful things to experience in the future.

muspelhem 5/19/2016 - 2:38 pm

Hey Arianna

Thanks for sharing your story 🙂

And please be kind to yourself!

Hugs

HERE4UOK 5/19/2016 - 3:19 pm

@Airrie
Hi. I feel your story particularly, because as some here know, I have a daughter. She’s a bit older than you now, but she went through some bullying herself. She used to self-harm. And guess what? We made it through.
Here’s the thing though: know that you don’t have to stop harming yourself or thinking about suicide. You know why? Because in all reality, those are ALSO real options we ALL have. They’re there. So whenever you need to fall back to harming yourself, the choice is still there.
What I sincerely hope, and want for it work for you, is to stop focusing on the problem. Suicidal thoughts? Check. Self-harm? Check. Don’t want people’s help? Check.

Let’s have YOU help yourself then.

Don’t focus so much on what’s wrong in your life. Think more of ways not to stop your self-destructive ways, but on ways to diminish them.
We all need a little auto-criticism in our life. Otherwise, how could we better ourselves? We just need to control or manage it so it works for us.

You say you’re overweight? It’s perfectly fine. Years from now, you may not be anymore.
You now have scars? Great, be proud of them because there is nothing more real to remind us how hard we’ve fought our battles than our scars! Fighting a fierce war is sure to leave us marked, outside and inside. So embrace them as what you thought was the proper outlet at the time you carved them.

What matters now Airrie, is that you begin taking the necessary steps to little by little come out on top. Much like the smoker who realizes he’s not had a cigarette in the last two hours. Well, you made it that far, try waiting another hour or two before lighting up again. And just like that, little by little, is how you begin a journey, one-small-step at a time.

What people say about us? Let them talk. Remember: Life is about choices.
People don’t do things to us. People do things, and we choose if we let them affect us or not.

And we have your back here, hunny. You’ll come through, trust me 😉

suesyd.nomore at g mail . co m

Soco 5/19/2016 - 4:51 pm

Hey ariana. The scars left from bullying can run deep and have a way of sticking around long after the bullying stops. I hope u can get the cutting under control cos we are left with so many different scars as we get older.
Take care.

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