So there was this guy. I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s been on my mind for almost a year. He isn’t just any guy though. He’s an adult. He was there for me when I needed him. He’s my ex best friends step dad. She told him what was going on with me. He stayed up talking to me and he got me drunk.. I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have drank. Things got awkward and semi sexual. I admit that that was wrong as well. But a part of me liked it. A part of me felt important. A part […]
Tag:
So
I lost my mom (almost) 2 years ago and ever since then every thing about me has changed. I withdraw further and further in and have no interest in staying connected. I feel trapped… I have 4 kids and I couldn’t do that to them. I have thrown myself into my kids activities just to keep busy and my mind silent.
The busy schedule also helps me have an excuse to not hang out with friends. My family, friends and boyfriend think I have an aversion to fun now. It’s not that I do, it’s that I just don’t feel joy anymore. How am I supposed […]
Hey if you’re reading.
I’ve been playing with the thought of killing myself for about 10 years out of my 25 year long life. I doubt I’ll ever be able to do it without access to ******** or guns. And like some of you, I dont really want to die, I just dont wanna live under these circumstances. Merry Xmas.
Hey there, so I’m going to start off with me introducing myself. Hi, I’m Jaja, a really depressed fangirling potato (don’t judge). I’m asian but not really good in math.
So let’s start my story, I was really a happy girl but then cupid shot me, accidentally, and I fell in love with this guy. This guy was my former classmate at summer sports school, and since he’s like 2 years older than me, I figured that I could be closer to him if I ask him to tutor me on Facebook because I hate the outside world, where all sociable humans are, disgusting, anyways, so […]
They all seem to know who
I am supposed to be, not
So clear is it to me
How easily I fell, grasping
On to rancid ideals, leaving
Just whisps of my self. Believing
Their foolish words, imposed, freakish tones
Opened me up to the bones that bore Truth,
And that All, allowing me to be
So grim. Were the lessons learned?
Nothing left but to give thanks
For a life I could not live with
My self in their world, or any.
I’m sorry.
I think the time to go is getting closer.
I can feel my will to do… anything… slipping out of me, draining away like water.
I used to be energetic but now I’m becoming more and more lethargic.
There just doesn’t seem to be anything worthwhile any more, nothing I can bring myself to do, even people who I would call my friends – It seems as if I can only see them as hollow shells. I don’t think I have any true friends any more.
Very few people can feel the same way I do now, it’s as if I’ve snapped my link with the rest of the […]
Why don’t we pull the trigger? Why don’t we tighten the noose? Why don’t we swallow the pills? Why don’t we jump from the roof? What stops us? I mean, let’s all be real with ourselves. Everyone is here on this site because they are or at least have been suicidal. Everyone here contemplates pulling that trigger, tightening that noose, swallowing those pills, or jumping off that roof. So, really, what stops us? I think it’s a fear that we will be making the wrong decision. It’s like there’s a chance of it getting better. We hear that cliché line so much that it’s stored […]
The next step. I take the next step. Then have no energy. Where is the vessel of life? How do I refill it? The rent wall leaks to the floor all I pour in. The holidays are here. Time to live for others. No time to die. But I am so tired. So very tired.
Everything has become so fucked up. I use to be so good at holding my emotions in check, tucking everything away in a forbidden portion of my psyche. That all ended tonight. I cried tonight like I have never cried before. And while it was a much needed release, it was bitter sweet.
Maybe it was the alcohol that triggered all of this. Maybe it was the insurmountable guilt that has compounded over the years. I honestly don’t know.
You see, I wish I hadn’t held these feelings in for so long. I wish I could turn back the unforgiving hands of time. I wish I told her […]
Im tired,I’m tired of everything my whole body is numb and my mind is almost gone I’m going to sleep, please don’t try to wake me up anymore because ill be gone by the time you get here and open the door to my room. So don’t waste your time.
It took 18 years to remember
You want five to forget
Forget about it.
I never thought I could survive to college. I never saw myself in a dorm. I never saw friends.
But I did. I didn’t live in a dorm. I rented a two-bedroom house with a fenced yard for my two adopted dogs. I went to class. It’s my fifth year in school, and yeah my past caught up to me, and yeah I had a few slip-ups, but I am going to graduate in May with honors- a GPA above 3.0.
So why?
Why do I want to die now?
Of all times, places, people, memories, why now?
I […]
I have often wondered why I wanted to just end it. And I usually end up with the fact that I am lost and my life has no direction. But now, I realized, there’s something more than that.
I realized that I am the complete opposite of myself before (when I was driven, confident, ambitious). Now I am very insecure, confused and just flat-out tired and unmotivated. What makes me want to end it is I could have AVOIDED IT. I USED to be on the other side, the side of optimism, of hope in the future. When I started college, I was among intelligent people, […]
Only been out of the house 2 hours and feel like I could sleep for a week! Why is it like this?!!!!! I hate it!! Always tired yet struggle to sleep 🙁
My computer and network got hacked the other night due to a misstep of protocol before clicking-entering a porn-site. I was connected to the internet on my laptop through my iPhone’s network through “hot-spot,” and apparently my iPhone has been bugged, too, because it’s also lagging like s***. So now, surfing the web on my laptop has ceased totally because of super-lag and all I have now is SP on my bugged iPhone. I don’t know, maaaaaan. Who wants to hang-out….. I have a bunch of good bud. (Not a hard porn watcher, btw).
Coma baby,
With your sick head
The doctors saved you
But you’re still dead
And through your scalp
I would like to reach in
So I could pull out
The monster you’ve been
And you would do anything to
Destroy the body that they rescued
Your sick little head
So brain damaged
And lying in that hospital bed
Coma baby
The cry of your bones
And your skull when it
Split on the road
I wish I’d find all
The lonely remnants
From your head
When it cracked open
And you would do anything to
Destroy the body that they rescued
Your sick little head
So brain damaged
It’s a struggle to get through the day. Often I get off work and first thing I do is drink myself to sleep, around 4pm, it only takes me about 30 minutes and I’m asleep, good ol tequila….but the rest of my life is pain. I constantly think of suicide. I heard her voice this morning, when she came to pick up the dog, she was laughing with my roommates…perfectly fine…perfectly happy. When I wake up in tears daily. It always comes back to this. I am 24 years old, a lesbian, and I am constantly coming back to this depression. Sure there are breaks […]
And it is my own fault. I dropped out of college after 2 years, moved to another town where I got into drugs and other things, and fell on my face. After that I moved back to my hometown where I met a new women. We moved in together and I became a part of her family with her 3 children…sounds like I rebounded wonderfully right? Nope, ruined that too. Lost my job and the only way she doesn’t get evicted is if I move. I borrowed money to delay the process, but now I owe family that money and I do not have it. So […]
I am done. Tired. I’ve tried DBT. I’ve tried & i’m tired. I love Scott!! I can’t tell him that though. I dream about him & wish he was in my life, other than being my therapist who I can’t & cannot appease. So, I’ve decided that death will finally take me, as I’ve always felt it would. You see, I have no friends. I can’t & don’t keep them. This world sucks!!! All you see is hate & killing. People who think they are owed, who don’t shoot for the moon themselves. They just want everything handed to them. So, my Suicide is planned […]
…it was my life. So yesterday I had to spend the day going through mum and dads things, mum died recently and dad’s off to a nursing home, and came across all this childhood stuff. Do you think I could find something that didn’t remind me of some kind of hell growing up? Nup. Then I found stuff mum had kept with my cancer diagnosis and treatment, all this paperwork (I was 17), disability and deformity and yeah it was like reliving a nightmare. Yep I remember the hardship, the death defying years, decades, the taunts, abuse, stares and ridicule…hang on they’re still happening in […]
Do I make it
Only with no wing
So that one day
If I may
Maybe one day
A world may need me
Maybe one day
A world may need me
Where may I go
To once again feel
A lone chain melody
Will I make it