A few days i bought a whole lot of supplies for my exit & wrote on here that I would soon be leaving. For anyone following that post I am still here (obviously).
I decided to go and visit my mother for the night before I committed suicide. I was still convinced that now was the right time but during the night this really weird thing happened…..
I woke up during the night as i thought i heard my mum out in the hallway. I tried to sit up in bed and call out to my mum to ensure she was alright (she was […]
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Still here
There’s a silence in the room,
I don’t speak quite like you do.
You got my fingers crossed,
But I’ll catch myself and I’ll wish you off.
And I never thought the words you’d cast would hurt so much.
For that, well I won’t look back.
And I never thought the one you trust would stab your back,
I guess it’s not so bad.
There’s a window in my room,
I can’t see clear like you do.
I won’t move my mouth and I’ll stand up straight just to push you out.
So I can see your insides out,
And figure you out.
And I never thought […]
Just saying I’m still here. I went to see the guy I like and it was different. Or rather, I tried to hide my feelings and I can’t do that forever. I learned that he is insanely picky and judgemental of girls and decides in less than a nanosecond who’s good enough for him and who isn’t, with most getting the no pass. But I’m still insanely attracted to him because he’s my type. I still feel like I’m better off dead, since I’ll never have love and there’s no point in living without someone to give my everything to.
March 26th has come and gone…..and I’m still here, feeling old, fat, ugly and a worthless failure. My family has been so sweet and kind…..but I cannot seem to draw from that. I didn’t get to visit the Golden Gate on “my” day. I’ll have another opportunity to do so on 4/2 when I drive my nephew back down to the bay area. I’m supposed to continue on to Los Angeles but I intend to go to the bridge instead. We need to “visit” with each other.
60 years and a few days old now. I am destined to be alone. And I am so tired. […]
Tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
You never notice how much affection can kill you…litirially, you support her through everything she knows how you feel about her, she understands you and you understand her but yet even in the way you have expressed yourself, your love she doesn’t feel the way you want her to and the love almost seems guilty, you would do anything to get to her heart, betray your friends, lie to her, choose her over everyone else. Even after all the crap you take for her, the […]
It is now November, and I am still here. I’d be lying to say that I am happy. I’d be lying to say things are fine. Nevertheless, things are easier. Things are not as sad. I am able to sleep with less trouble. I can keep my mind off the bad things more easily, without bigger distractions.
Hopefully, things will keep improving. We shall see.
Either way, for now, I’m still here.
I have attempted suicide more than once, this last time I slit my wrist with a utility knife. For some reason unknown to me I’m still here. I have been locked up in mental institutions more than my fair share and the help that I needed and “need” just wasn’t there. I always feel the need to talk and to be heard but needless to say no one wants to hear me. Maybe it’s me? I’ve been bipolar and manic depressive with anxiety for over 12 years now.