My depression is continuing to get worse. I’ve reached a new point where I find that I’m actually starting to enjoy this feeling of despair. I’m starting to enjoy all of the emotional pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, the sorrow. It’s strange, just a few days ago I hated it and all I wanted was to be happy. But lately, I’ve been craving it. It almost gives me a kind of high. I think maybe it’s because I’ve been like this for so long, that it’s starting to grow comfortable. Happiness feels so foreign now, that I just want to crouch back into my dark […]
Tag:
the other side
Does anyone else have conversations with people who are long gone?
I mean, I’m doing it all the time now. I’m not even thinking up the other side of the conversation in my head, it just comes out, reply after reply after reply to ghosts. To an outsider listening to me, they’d assume I was just on the phone.
I’ve had different variations of the last fight I ever had with him. Versions where I was on the defensive, versions where I attacked… Why did I have to stay silent when it really mattered?
If I’d spoken up when you asked me to leave and not come back, […]
Living on earth is like climbing a mountain with the goal of getting to the opposite side. Many will attempt to climb all the way to the summit, others succumb and travel around the side of mountain, and a select few will take the short cut – a high speed train blazing through the tunnel to reach the other side. Eventually all of us will end up at the same destination – at the base of the mountain at the other side.
I envy those who never existed on this earth. They may have missed experiencing pleasure but to miss experiencing pain is even sweeter.
So I spent the first moments of the new year on the phone to Lifeline (a UK service) and the only thing they were interested in was persuading me there’s reason to live or having me committed.
But what if you’re past that point? What if you’re determined to die and just want to talk to someone impartially? I feel it’s disrespectful to completely ignore the suicidal persons issues or pretend they don’t exist just to be a hero(ine).
So I’m still here questioning my suicide method, to sit drunk at the edge of a tower block, take a cocktail of tablets, then inhale a huge amount […]
“Glenfidich, clean.”
“I’m going to have to see an ID. I mean, anyone who orders a Glenfidich probably has drank a time or two in their life, but you look kind of young.”
I flashed my license, she responded in a quick nod and vanished into some back area out of view. My vacant stare scanned the activity of the airport terminal. I had gotten three hours sleep, and in the midst of my loose focus, all of the crowds flowed by in bright blurs.
The cling of the glass behind me signaled the arrival of my best friend. I smiled at the server, nervously nursing the bitter […]
I’m so tired of living (more precisely breathing). I wish I was tired of posting the same old repetitive story about my frustration, guilt and unsuccessful attempts of redemption too. But this is the only thing I can do, sit in front of a laptop and write about how miserable I am and how much that I hate myself. One prime reason that my guilt has amplified is because I could have avoided that.I used to be on the other side, the brighter side. I should have/ could have tried a little harder to change things for good but my attempts failed miserably for the […]
why is death the only answer? what happen if i succeed only to find that it hurts on the other side? where does this anguish come from and why cant i beat it? why cant i be a normal person? why do so many of us suffer from this? why cant life be simple and easy? why do people prevent me from having work, a place to live and food to eat? why cant i abide by the rules? so many questions, too few answers
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