Hey SP friends, just wanted to wish you all a good day (or night, wherever you are).
I don’t do this usually, but I’m feeling a bit better today, and I hope some of you are too.
You texted me first today. You initiated the conversation. You apologised to me. Honestly speaking I have no idea what you’re apologising for. And I don’t know how I should reply your text. I guess I’m too used to not talking to you.
This girl I really like, Mary, found out that I cut. And about my recent suicide attempt. She took my arm today and drew all over it. Hearts, butterflies, her name, the whole shebang. She told me shes rooting for me and that I can get through this. I think I believe her. So I’m setting the clock to zero and letting the numbers grow. Hopefully I won’t have to reset it to zero any time soon. I’m going for a personal record of over a week clean. Wish me luck 🙂
I’m sick of being alive and today, I tried to intoxicate myself with water. Fuck, I thought today was my final day. I drank 2 gallons of water in less than an hour, although, I puked once. I felt this strong headache, started feeling dizzy and I had trouble breathing and I laid down on my bed for a bit and passed out. I woke up with pure disappointment on my face, I woke up to find my heart still beating. I don’t have many options for suicide, just this and falling off the Golden Gate , but I hesitate on the bridge. I just […]
I tried to kill myself today the bottle pills I ended up picking them back up every time I try either back out or doesn’t so after all this I’m going to try again I learn things today no 1 no should no about so I’m going to try again
Why do you play with my emotions?
You actually asked me how I felt.
You already have someone so why do you want me?
I felt something new with you today that actually gave me hope.
You’re such an asshole.
Why do I miss you so much when we’re apart?
Do you miss me?
It is hot and sunny out. 12:30pm. I hate feeling this way when it looks like that outside. When it’s daylight. Feeling suicidal in the sense that it’s more comforting to think about suicide then it is to think about how awful and worthless I am, but I’m not sure I would actually attempt something.
I got a new job. A real job. Real money. Real benefits. I should be ecstatic right now…and I was yesterday. So much so that my head was completely spinning with lists. Things I need to do. Things I need to buy. Things I need to be. Spin spin spin. I […]
cancelled my therapist appt today
then again, it probably wouldn’t have helped anyway
nothing will.
here’s a good song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE0L9EQAHk
“well my best friend took a bullet through his eye
first he had a patch, now he’s got a glass eye
one hard… glass eye
he says sometimes,
he wishes both his eyes were glass”
I actually came on here tonight for the first time in a week or so to make a post about some stuff that’s happened lately in my life… and now my head is just too overwhelmed by the utterly repulsive tragedy that’s taken place today/tonight involving a really awesome person.
So instead of crapping on about my own troubles, I’m just gonna leave this post here so we can all maybe give a thought to that special person today/tonight, because this is their day now and they deserve to be remembered.
Rest easy.
I think I am almost ready… I almost let it slip today that I have a plan. No one noticed though all I ever hear is have faith. Well it’s too late for that… I have to pick a date I think that will help push me to get everything ready. I wonder how long it will take for anyone to notice I am gone.
Just need to put my goodbyes in order…I have to say goodbye…
So… I woke up and intended to kill myself today. I decided to give it one last shot with my MD who abandoned me. I sent her a text asking if there was a bed available at her hospital. That I was serious and was very genuinely asking for her help. Nothing provocative. Well, I had text her a bunch over the past few weeks asking when we can meet soon. Nothing provocative. But she wasn’t responding which was unusual so it created more distressed for me. Note: For those of you who haven’t read my posts, I have been through tons of treatment (ECT, […]
Xorn
-beat at 55-
I need to find camaraderie, today. I walk because I die.
I got a grand a month, I’ll buy the wagon.
Take this book of true-dire and let me live freely like you.
Godmother of Mercy. Sister of Seraphim. Brother of Crusader.
A chained black-beast of ‘Heaven and Hell’.
Do not ever forsaken, “Salvation.”
Someone bust the next wrap, we can probably make at least a ‘thou’.
Don’t leave here thy no longer; like a bird, you can open my cage.
Pure alchemy, fortress; fortify my iron-chain of fate, vowed to the death.
The faithfulness of it’s mankind, the fidelity and homage for the undead.
I need to explode in golden-fire from the die.
‘Comrade Of True Life; arrive, awaken’
(2x)
So i didnt cut, but i started. i startd cutting since Thursday the 11th. I made a big cut and deep, but i treated it. Today i have around 20 cuts small but bleedable. On thrursday i also told my mum about the voices ive been hearing in my head telling me to kill myself. She told me that shes going to have to take me to therapy. Im actually happy. First, because ill get help. Honestly i dont want to die, ateast not yet. Second, ill be happy and carefree. Nobody nows about my cuts and the voices in my head only my mum, […]
I made the decision Friday as I was leaving work.
I’ve been struggling with it since I came here. After years of trying, I finally got hired for my dream job. I moved to another state – something I’ve always wanted to do – to take it. The job is good. My coworkers are good. My boss is good, and the money is good.
The problem is me. I’m an utter failure. In the few weeks that I’ve been here, I’ve mishandled tickets, screwed up projects, behaved unprofessionally, and even lost data. My coworkers can’t stand me, and I can’t blame them. One guy is actually looking for another […]
(Didn’t want to highjack that other post again)… Have you ever been so tired and exhausted that you are too tired and exhausted to even sleep? I thought about treatment options today. I really don’t have any. I’ve done it all. I can’t bear to go back into DBT. ECT fried my brain last time and I am still suffering the memory consequences. I really don’t have any treatment options anymore. I’m out of options.
For some reason, Nietzsche’s words came to me today. “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.” Does this resonate with anyone else?
Ending it today. Bye everyone.
I just told my mother that I didn’t feel like eating at all today (it’s 5:25pm where I am) and her response: ‘oh ok.. I’m gna go have supper’ …..
When did this become the norm?
i kept myself extremely busy and productive today to take my mind off of everything. it worked pretty well too. i went to my college and attended my two classes for today. i got a lot of homework done for my courses, took care of the remaining things for financial aid, etc. i felt like i accomplished a lot today, i was even a little proud of myself, until night time arrived….
whats the point of any of it? why am i still trying? im absolutely miserable with myself. the only person who could make this better is the person who shattered my fucking heart. i […]