sometimes life is just too hard
you can only help yourself
except, i can’t
please let me leave
just please help me make this less painful
it will be so much better for everyone
ever feel like you’re losing everything? you watch from a distance, but even from another perspective, you can’t manage to make sense of what’s happening.
so you choose just one thing to hold onto. it doesn’t really matter what it is, but you make it mean everything, because you need something to stay. you need this one thing for the world to revolve around because if the world doesn’t have an axis then what the fuck. you’re too scared to let go, you might fall and you have no idea where you will land.
but happens when you start to doubt that one thing? when you’re not even really doubting but you know for a fact that it’s just a safety net, that it’s false, and stupid …?
i can feel the sting as the blood trickles down my arms
i can feel the water rushing in my nose, my ears, my lungs
i can feel the rope tightening and my breath slowing down
i can feel the wind whipping past after i step off
i can feel so strongly that i sometimes feel nothing at all
i can feel myself slipping and it’s terrible. i know i should care, i know it should matter, but battling this other voice in my head just gets harder everyday
i’m not supposed to use the word ‘should.’ well, “it would be nice” if i didn’t think about this all the time. it would be nice if i had any self-control whatsoever. it would also be nice if i could remember and apply anything you taught me. it would be nice if i weren’t so self-destructive, if there wasn’t so much hatred, all the time. it would also be nice if the simple fact that i’m not in your life anymore would make you happy, but i know you don’t care either way.
cancelled my therapist appt today
then again, it probably wouldn’t have helped anyway
here’s a good song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE0L9EQAHk
“well my best friend took a bullet through his eye
first he had a patch, now he’s got a glass eye
one hard… glass eye
he says sometimes,
he wishes both his eyes were glass”
went to my first therapist session today. …
yeah i really can’t do this. i thought so seriously about killing myself afterwards. i mean, not more seriously than i have before. it’s just… i can never explain to anyone how this feels. i hate everything, and i try so fucking hard all the time to just get along
but i’m stupid, and i make mistakes, and everything is just so goddamn pointless and i never get any joy out of anything and i know people want me here now but i still don’t care, and i guess i hate myself for that, too, but what am i supposed to do?
i have a method but i’m not sure about timing, and i feel like i should try more but i also somewhat know this is inevitable and don’t even want to delay it any longer. i just want something to matter. i just want someone to care. to genuinely listen …
i’ve felt so useless and disgusting lately i thought i was going psychotic because i can’t get these images out of my head when i try to sleep. how the fuck am i supposed to explain this to anyone? also, it’s not like i’m going to be cured for my depression. and it’s not like life is ever going to have meaning. distractions only last so long
fuck everyone, everything, over & over, hard.
don’t fucking talk about me like you know me because you just fucking don’t
if you did,
you would care more
and why can’t you fucking see all this evil in the world
why do you even smile or say it’s good
when someone you supposedly loved just turns into, well, money
how does no one actually give a shit
like what is thisssssssssss
i asked you for help, did i not?
you definitely saw me suffering
do i look strong to you?
choke me, stab me, rip off my skin, just do anything else… i know it would hurt less
just make sure it ends because i can’t stand this limitless torture anymore
please give me a way out
and stop pretending like it will all be okay eventually, because it won’t. ever. get. better.
just wondering – for how long has it been since you guys felt in any way in control of your emotions? because i am definitely not anymore. just crying randomly/in public or happy for no reason at other moments….
in other news, someone told me not to kill myself today. obviously completely unaware of what these words meant to me, but still slightly amusing nonetheless
if i ask for help, don’t ignore me. i’m not the psychopath you may believe me to be… i can have feelings, too, and like any weak person, sometimes i need comfort. why don’t i deserve this? i mean i know i’m worthless, perhaps have made some bad mistakes, but if you can claim to love me, why is some acknowledgement of my pain so impossible?
alright well making decisions has Â never been my strong suit. my sister wants to visit me this weekend, and i already told her it was fine… but now i’m feeling shitty and want some time to myself and it’s just never good when we’re together and i’m depressed because she refuses to understand. also it just makes me feel worse. should i a) hope for the best and let her come, perhaps raising my mood by doing so or b) tell her i’m too busy and i’ll see her some other time soon?
feeling completely hopeless and terrified.
recently i haven’t been feeling suicidal but the future just looks so bleak
today all i could see was black i just idk it’s happened before i mean i never thought i would be here in the first place so i guess it will be okay but i just really don’t know how right now
becauseeeee i’m going to be homeless by the end of may… and i really need to figure that out. it’s just a scary prospect i guess.
sorry, just ranting.
also i’m really tired of people being so fucking stupid.
but also had a pretty good day today.
i need help
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