I am now in college. It has been 3 years since I’ve lost my dad. Its been a hard three years. I am trying so hard to make it in this adult world. I never knew I would be this stressed out. I have been finding so many grey hairs. I am only eighteen. This is crazy. Sometimes I want to give up. There are so many days when I can’t find a way out of my bed to get to class. Last semester I did horrible. I lost my $9,000.00 scholarship. It broke my heart. I don’t know where I’m going to school next […]
Tag:
unhealthy
It’s not something as dramatic as suicide but I want your help.
The last three years, I have been in a very weird phase of my life. When I go outside , alone, I feel that people are thinking bad things of me and I feel that there is a big cloud over my head and they can see whatever I have on my mind. I am overweight and I eat unhealthy food with big ammounts on my plate. It’s not like I am a glutton but it’s like I force myself to eat it. I have never had a real friend. Noone that I could […]
The age before life starts to get worse, you leave your prime and descent begins. Cavemans only lived to their 30’s, this was the most natural and primitive human lifestyle back when every human was robust and healthy, nobody had suicidal thoughts or modern problems. In contrast, really weak but advanced people like Romantic poets (john keats) died in their 20’s-30’s. The only time people lived to 60+ was when they were healthy but lived in farms or villages. Only recently EVERYONE even unhealthy/mentally ill/pessimistic people can expect to live to 80’s-90’s and It’s because of the medicines we discovered. Life today is more artificial, […]
PROS – 1. No more mental illness, 2. No more constant worrying, 3. No painful natural death in the future, 5. No more addictions, 6, no more rejection because I can’t function as a normal adult, 7. No more of this world weighing me down with consequences and obligations, 8, I’ll have a choice!, 9. I’ll never suffer again, 10. I will have no wants, impossible or unhealthy ones.
CONS –
I wish being good to him was enough. I wish giving everything I have to give was enough. I wish loving and adoring him were enough. I wish it wasnt all about looks and money. I wish I could be the one to worship him. I wish I counted. I wish he believed my love was real instead of desperation as he thinks it is. I wish he weren’t superficial at all. I wish I didn’t have to be without him. He thinks it’s unhealthy to love just one person… and I don’t think it’s anything close to love to want a dozen or more […]
I figured since this is where we met that it’s only fitting that I write you something beautiful here. Everything comes full circle and I pray that as I let you go – you will come back to me at the right time. I do love you but you are in love with someone else. You say you still love me but your heart is in his hands right now. I hold onto you in an unhealthy way right now. I hold onto parts of my past for comfort and security instead of setting my sights on the limitless possibilities ahead of me. My […]
I can feel it. The pull to take a beer or any other drink I have every night, when the thoughts come creeping up. The sweet, blissful promise of release from the voices in my head and the cool, refreshing feeling as the liquid touches the back of my throat, giving me a sensation similar to falling into the arms of someone who cares. They won’t shut up, so I drown them. Just for tonight, because a permanent way to shut them up doesn’t seem to exist. A constant battle, day after day, always ending in my twisted, ironic victory. Like fighting a bomb – […]
I love it when you
Curl your arms around my neck
And sink your teeth into my shoulder
And twist my heart to bloody ribbons
Snapping.
I love it when you
Kill me in every way possible
And suffocate me under your breathless thoughts
And line-dance across my skin
Crimson.
I love it when you
Press on me like a weight
And hollow me out like a hole
And twirl me along the edge of the roof
Dangling.
I love it when you
Whisper dark nothings into my ear
And make my heart beat faster
And kiss my hand goodbye
Fallen.
But I love it most when you
Leave me alone with the crowd
And hide yourself away somewhere lost
And forget about me
Please.
I hate it when […]