OddOneOut

Family & Friends Effects General Rants

I’m not supposed to be here

by OddOneOut 9/23/2015

written by OddOneOut

Just a rant…
Living in South Korea right now, and one thing I noticed is that this place will literally suck the ambition, desire – any sort of force that drives me forward in life – out of me. I hate this place, and I have to stay here another 3 months before I can even think of moving to another place.

I used to have dreams, have a heart full of things I wanted to do. Plans to do those things, the WILL to do those things…
But…it’s something about this country. The lifestyle here…Maybe it’s just me that can’t get used to it or, since the youth of this very nation are calling this place “HELL KOREA”, it really IS the place that is wrong.

Whatever the case…I need to get the f**k out of here.

Anybody have any personal experiences to share about South Korea, or Asia in general? I heard Asian culture is mostly the same.

9/23/2015 2 comments

I cannot believe it took me this long to realise this…

by OddOneOut 5/25/2015

written by OddOneOut

One’s problems don’t mean jack-s**t in the world.
Unless someone can make money off of it, or benefit in some way, it will remain useless and repelled.

Even a mother doesn’t care what her son’s been through.

Or maybe that’s just mine.

Yeah, probably just mine.

5/25/2015 3 comments

I think I’m becoming an alcoholic…

by OddOneOut 5/7/2015

written by OddOneOut

I can feel it. The pull to take a beer or any other drink I have every night, when the thoughts come creeping up. The sweet, blissful promise of release from the voices in my head and the cool, refreshing feeling as the liquid touches the back of my throat, giving me a sensation similar to falling into the arms of someone who cares. They won’t shut up, so I drown them. Just for tonight, because a permanent way to shut them up doesn’t seem to exist. A constant battle, day after day, always ending in my twisted, ironic victory. Like fighting a bomb – it doesn’t matter if it dies or not, for it’s goal is to maim me by giving it’s life.

I can feel my body turning into this grotesque thing; chubby, unhealthy…dying. And yet, the mind must be master of the body. If the mind cannot be master of it’s own self, how is it expected to be master of the body? Like a father taking the heat for his son’s mistake, the body suffers for the weakness of the mind.

These damn voices. Nothing will make them go away. Medication is too expensive, a good friend to talk to? That’s worse than the worst joke ever…It seems that alcohol is all I have, and it’s just killing me.

5/7/2015 1 comment

Family & Friends Effects General Rants

Recovery is terrifying when you don’t know who you are without your sadness

by OddOneOut 1/4/2015

written by OddOneOut

How does one figure out who they are without their sadness? Is it the mask I put on even when I am sad? Because I’ve been wearing that mask so often that I feel it is who I’ve become now…like the mask is somehow etched into my life permanently that it becomes a knee-jerk reaction to how I act around people…

How do I know who I am without my sadness, when I haven’t had a time I can remember that wasn’t without sadness?

Please help…I’ve been trying to figure this one out for weeks…

1/4/2015 6 comments

It’s like Lower School all over again…

by OddOneOut 6/11/2013

written by OddOneOut

There were these kids…they liked to push me over, then leave me alone until I was just on my feet again and getting up, where they would push me to the floor again.
Every time I was getting up I thought that they wouldn’t do it again, that it’d be the last time. But every time, they did it again. It was the worst form of taunting I’ve ever faced. The giving one hope then pushing to the floor (literally, in this case) act. Nothing is worse than giving a person hope then, just as that hope is settling in, destroying one’s life again.

I just never knew my own father would do that to me now…
continuously…
Knowingly…
and yet without conscious thought….
simply because, he doesn’t know me.
His own son.

He may think he does, but he has no idea who I am anymore. And he doesn’t even try to know. All he sees is a well-built boy who now needs to become an adult, and therefore he will start treating him like an adult without any sort of preparation or warning that a father may have given his son when he was growing up.Too busy with his own life and problems, too busy with his own things, that he never knew the son who was constantly changing, right under his nose. The one who should have been there when that son needed someone to talk to, and yet found no-one, wherever he turned.

Now, you have me. A son whom you do not know.
And the worst part is, you think you know.
You THINK you know…
Please, just be the guy that you’ve been in my mind for all this time.
A benefactor.
Once father and now, purely, my benefactor.

6/11/2013 4 comments

Dear Meursault…

by OddOneOut 6/3/2013

written by OddOneOut

For those who don’t know, Meursault is a character from the famous literary jewel “L’etranger (The Stranger/Outsider), written by Albert Camus, and is pronounced Mur-Sew

The book is famous and controversial because of Meursault’s character (which I won’t explain here; all of you should read the book it’s amazing), which I strongly believe is EXACTLY like how I am becoming right now…
I don’t care anymore. Whether something is ethical or not, what the effects of my actions will be…I feel emotionless (ba-dum, tss), don’t feel pain or happiness, time passes and the only way I know that it does is by the colour of the light at that moment of time. If my own mother died…I’d be indifferent. Just like Meursault is in the book…
I can finally understand why Meursault did things because “he felt like it”. It’s just so simple. So honest. I just feel like doing things. I just feel like starting a conversation with that person via text messaging, just feel like going for a run. Just feel like playing games. Not actual emotions, but something compelling me to do it at that moment. And if things go wrong – the person doesn’t reply, the weather is bad, my laptop is out of power etc. – then screw it. Shrug and move on.

Nothing stays for me, nothing lasts. It’s all just…empty.
And I know that it is, which kinda makes it even more strange. My self-awareness of it all.

6/3/2013 6 comments

Everyone has their burden to bear

by OddOneOut 5/27/2013

written by OddOneOut

Everyone has problems in their lives. Everyone has things do deal with, problems to solve, things to be sad about.
But they go on with their lives, as if everything’s fine.
Why can’t I do that?
Why do I have to be so weak? I’ve got problems, yes, but can’t they be dealt with like everyone else deals with their issues?

What is it that they have, which I don’t? Why can’t I be strong like them? Why do I have to be so weak?

5/27/2013 3 comments

Do I even have the right…

by OddOneOut 5/23/2013

written by OddOneOut

Why is it that no-one cares? Why do you keep walking away? I’m calling for help here, and you all melt away and hide from me as if I’m a carrier of a disease.
PLEASE. I NEED SOME HELP, PLEASE HELP ME. ALL I NEED IS FOR SOMEONE TO LISTEN. I’VE NEVER SPOKEN IN MY LIFE, NEVER LET THESE THINGS OUT OF ME. THE ONLY THING THAT LISTENED TO ME WAS A BOOK, AND IF IT HAD A CHOICE, IT PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE LISTENED TO ME EITHER.

Please…all I need is one person. One person that won’t screw me over by spreading rumours after I’ve told them my stories. I’m just so lonely.

But then, when I look at my life right now, it’s not so bad. I got everything I want/need, an open future, lots of people who accept me as a friend ect.
So do I even have the right to be like this…When I’m materialistically fulfilled…

5/23/2013 8 comments

Sure, I’d LOVE to talk to someone about my problems. Simply LOVE to.

by OddOneOut 5/19/2013

written by OddOneOut

But who’s gonna listen? You? You, the one who comes up to me with a sickly sweet voice saying “What’s wrong?”, and when I tell you, all you have to say is “You need some help, go talk to someone!” before walking the fuck away. That’s the sort of shit that makes people like me NOT talk, you inconsiderate son of a *****.
Everyday, every night, I’m looking. Looking all around me, at my Facebook account, at my Skype, at my phone contacts book, at my god damn life. And always wondering, “Who’s ever gonna listen to me?”.

No-one, that’s who. And the ironic thing is that it’s LONELINESS that’s causing these things inside of me. The fact that no-one listens, nobody cares, nobody bothers to understand or know me. No-one in my life so far has come to sit down and listen. All they come and say is “You need some help, man. You’re weird!”. Well, fuck you very much, go live your perfect ass life with all the money and the parents that give a shit and want to help you out, and all your “friends” that you go hang out with. Just fuck off. You don’t know me, and you never WILL know me.
How do I know? You don’t even fucking try.

Not even my parents try. Even from them, all I hear is “What’s wrong with you? It’s like I’m living with a PIG, the way your living in this house!”, or, “You are a sorry piece of fat fuck, and I don’t know what’s gonna happen in your life!”. Well, thanks for bringing me into this world, because it was YOU who wanted a family. You ever stop and think about how it might be for the kid? Having to go through all the shit in life (and you KNOW what shitty things life has in store for a person), having to always live in fear, having to LIVE AT ALL. And now you come to me like I brought all this shit upon myself. Well it was YOU who decided to move the entire fucking family to a place where your kid would be a social outcast, it was YOU who decided to spend so little time with your kid when he needed you. It was YOU who decided to give him everything he needs except you being there emotionally.
Now, I’m alone. Completely and utterly alone. And don’t you try to come in through the door and complain about how it’s always locked tight without anyone being allowed in. You’re the one who locked it.
You’re my parents and you don’t know me? Cool. That’s how it’s always been, that’s how it always will be. Don’t try to change anything now.

5/19/2013 8 comments

4 months…thank you.

by OddOneOut 3/13/2013

written by OddOneOut

That was all it could give me….4 months free of cuts and suicidal thoughts, seeing life in a brighter light.
4 months of not coming on this site and yet still being able to survive.
Not anymore, though.

Life is back. My R&R is over.
Time to get back on the wagon.
Welcome back, *****.

3/13/2013 3 comments

First give it a try…

by OddOneOut 2/15/2013

written by OddOneOut

I’m not trying to be a dick or anything, but it’s just a moment’s revelation that is slowly turning my life around right now and I thought it would be nice to share and get the ideas of other people.We, the ones on this site, usually have no meaning in life, think ourselves a failure, have had (to many different levels) experienced traumatic events or had our lives ruined by someone or thing, and are now seemingly left without many options. Our lives cannot, and will not get better. It will always be like this.
But, HAVE YOU ACTUALLY TRIED TO FIX THINGS? Of course, many of you will say (and be correct in saying) that you have done as much as possible to make life better by sacrificing many things in your lives. And I agree with this completely for those who really deserve to say that.
However, there are an equally many number of people on this site who probably are simply…should I say, whining about things that aren’t going well in life simply because they themselves haven’t done anything (much) about it. Think about it. Can you actually say that you’ve done everything possible to fix something in your life?
I realized that I myself was simply whining about having this girl that I liked who doesn’t seem to like me back. I kept asking myself “Why?”. Then suddenly, it hit me. I wasn’t talking to her, I wasn’t spending time with her, I was practically AVOIDING her. Of course nothing’s going to happen, you’re not doing anything!! As soon as I realized this, I also realized how many other things in life were going wrong or not happening simply because all I was doing was complaining and being depressed about them. Sure, some things are quite valid, but there were things that I could have done to improve my life – things that I didn’t do.

So, all I’m saying here is that maybe we should actually work to make something happen, maybe a little harder than you already have, before falling to the ground screaming and crying, going on about how things just can’t be done.
I know that for many people, they HAVE done everything they can and that life is just too bad for them…But to the others, the one who just got the blues and felt no reason to life…Maybe we should give it another try, put in some more effort and see how things come out.

2/15/2013 16 comments

That was “well cut”

by OddOneOut 1/27/2013

written by OddOneOut

First time I went THAT deep…
I was scared it would hurt too much.
It’s not too bad. Just do it step by step, like everything else.
And before you know it, you’ll be on the other side.

And it’s not even that deep 😛

1/27/2013 1 comment

Being alone…is something deadly easily overlooked by “normal people”

by OddOneOut 1/22/2013

written by OddOneOut

All I want…all that I REALLY want…is just someone who wants to talk to me…that’s all I need right now…and there’s just no-one. No-one that wants to, because I’m the weird guy who’s always so negative and annoying.
I have things to share,
But no-one really cares…
Nobody knows me at all.
I got lots of friends.
Yes, but then again…
Nobody knows me at all.

And nobody ever wants to.
I don’t blame them for it. I shouldn’t be bothering people with my problems. They don’t wanna know and they have every right to ignore me.
But I really need someone right now. The girl that I’m in love with would be a nice one to have. But women don’t like that. A guy who’s weak. A guy who’s…human. They want someone that can be their rock, their support. And that’s why I’ll stay single, that’s why I’ll have a hard time with “friends”. Because the world doesn’t want to know about people like me.

You gotta look in the mirror and learn how to put on a smile. To be like everyone else. Because if you’re different, they’ll eat you up. Like a bunch of zombies. If he/she is different in any way…We’ll gang up on them and kill them. Make them into one of us. Why? Because they’re different.
The nail that sticks out will be hammered – Japanese proverb

1/22/2013 23 comments

Please can I die?

by OddOneOut 1/15/2013

written by OddOneOut

I’m such a coward…
Everything’s in place for my death, and the only thing holding me back is my fear.
Fear of death, when it’s the only logical way to end all suffering.
Not just my suffering, but my family and friends’ as well.
Everyone’s better off without me, and that’s the truth.
So all I gotta do is jump…
and let gravity do the rest.
Fear is holding my feet to the ground.
You fucking coward…

1/15/2013 0 comment

Solitude is beautiful…(this is purely a rant…)

by OddOneOut 1/11/2013

written by OddOneOut

Right now, things seem to be getting better. I’m able to go on without my razor as much, I can enjoy music like I used to, laugh purely because I want to, not feel that pain that can’t be explained somewhere within my heart…

But that will all change when school starts again. When I have to rejoin the real world, and see it for what it is. When it presses itself against my face – when reality comes back to wake me from my dreamworld that I created to protect myself – It will all be as it were. I’ll be cutting again, empty, emotionless and hollow again.
Because that’s the only way to survive in this world…Not give a damn whether it hurts, to only think of yourself, because you can’t afford to think of others.

Human beings…every now and then you meet someone who seems to be truly different from the rest. Then, they show your their real sides.
Experience that enough times and you learn to trust no-one.
You can’t fool yourself forever.
Sometimes it’s good to give in.
Now…where’s that razor…?
Ahh, here it is.
My salvation
From this pain.
Between physical and emotional pain, I’d take the physical. Anytime.

1/11/2013 0 comment

These walls were built around me.

by OddOneOut 12/30/2012

written by OddOneOut

Depression…It can come to anyone but that doesn’t mean it comes to everyone. It doesn’t just HAPPEN like that either. If you’re depressed, there’s a reason to it and it’s not something silly or stupid, it’s actually quite serious.
Right?
So that means all the people telling me that I’m looking for attention are wrong, and that something has happened within my lifespan to cause depression in my life. I’m not being an a**hole, attention-seeking or anything. I’m actually depressed.
But then there’s no cure to this. No-one to talk to around me, those whom I CAN talk to are far away, nad many people don’t even know that I am depressed because I’m always having this fake smile & happiness thing going on. I’m the one who’s always joking around, always smiling and laughing – sort of the class clown. So of course, who expects to see a sad clown??
These inabilities to talk to people – these walls – they were created by…everyone. Everyone in my life, including myself. Or maybe, the world gave me a way to go, and that way was to build the walls.
To those people who haven’t experienced it, having no-one to talk to sounds like such a petty little thing, while in fact it’s the centerpiece in depression for many people.

I can’t even talk to my parents about it. I’ve been thinking about taking pills and other medication, but to tell my parents right now that I’m depressed and that I need help…They wouldn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t.
It will be like “What the hell are you talking about?”. My mom would probably laugh at me (because she’s a ***** like that) and my dad would be a little more than surprised, even shocked. My sister would condescend and be all “I know what you’re going through.”, when the biggest personal problem outside of school she had was having nothing to wear for her parties and how to sneak out without getting caught. Her boyfriends here mostly good people so she didn’t suffer to much there.

No-one to talk to, nobody cares.
No-one wants to hear my story, so why am I bothering them?
I’m sorry that I posted. You probably don’t want to hear this, but even a clown sheds tears from time to time.

12/30/2012 4 comments

Family & Friends Effects Rants

I’m so messed up…

by OddOneOut 12/11/2012

written by OddOneOut

This isn’t my first post here…But whenever I post something on this site, I feel like how I constantly feel when I do something like this in the real world – that I’m saying things that no-one wants to listen to, bothering people with my problems when nobody gives a damn. It’s been that way for a long time. Whenever I vent and rant, people just never cared. All they wanted me to do was to shut up and get on with my life, without giving a damn about what my problems were. That, mixed with the near-physical discomfort I feel when I cause someone else discomfort caused me to be quiet, internal, fake. Always a fake smile, always a fake happiness. Because that’s what people want, and I’m happiest when I can provide for other people.
Every once in a while though, I still need to vent, and now I find that I can’t even do that because it feels like I’m just bothering people with stuff they don’t want to hear…

I feel that right now, as I write all this. Stomach twisting, head bowing on its own accord, feel like I did something wrong.
How messed up can a person be?

12/11/2012 11 comments

So much swept under the rug…

by OddOneOut 12/9/2012

written by OddOneOut

3 years back, my family was in a severe economic crisis – we were broke. Living in a family friend’s house as a whole because we had to move out of our own; my father losing everything he had, spending time in jail and still having debt; having to move to a country quite literally running from money. It was a very bad situation.

But, bad enough as it was, my mother started turning into someone – no, showing a part of herself that me and my sister never knew was in her. She became a total *****. I know it’s unacceptable to be saying stuff like that about your own mother, but she was (and forever will be) a ***** in my eyes. A two-faced, lying, power-crazy psycho who is evil in almost a unique way. And I think she’s starting to slightly lose it too.
If she had not done that, if she had been a little kinder and more reasonable, more humane with us during that one year in crisis… Things wouldn’t be this bad. But she just had to be a total ***** to my sister and I, then change into this loving, caring woman in front of the public and my father’s eye. Absolutely two-faced.

And now she expects me to treat her with respect, as if she’s the most fabulous person in the world. True, she does sacrifice a lot, but for whom? She always tells me look your best, be your best in public. Why? So that I will have a good status in society? NO
Every time I did something embarrassing, even by mistake, she would always say “It makes ME look bad, you idiot!”. Now I see. She cares about herself only and the reason why she even pretends to care for me and my sister is because she’s so afraid that my father is going to divorce her if he sees what we (my sister and I) have seen.
And my unsuspecting father wants me to act like a normal son to her, and not be so rude. I’ve seen what that ***** really is underneath those smiles and laughs and high voices. She’s evil, cold, calculating, narrow-minded and doesn’t even attempt to understand other people.
Of course, I can still interact with her normally if need be, but I really don’t want to. I only do it to please my dad because he’s been through too much pain to see his own family ripped apart – but she’s making it difficult…
You can only sweep so much dirt under the rug before you start leaving a huge bump in it.

12/9/2012 1 comment