I haven’t been on here in months and I won’t deny that things have actually gotten much worse. I mean one minute I’m saying “I got this, I can make it” and the next I’m saying “okay I’ll just end it all on my 21st birthday.” My feelings go back and fourth. And now it’s just all coming back. My plan was to end it all on my 21st. To see if things ever get better. I realize that im still young, and all that, but some people just weren’t meant for life. Sometimes I feel bad because I wasn’t put through so much torture […]
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Things I picked up today after seeing my shrink for the first time in a year:
1) Seasonal Affective Disorder blows. I really don’t want to have to put up with this shit every goddamn time the leaves turn, but them’s the breaks.
2) I was reminded that the probability of getting depressed increases more and more for each successive episode. After two periods of depression, you’re likely to go through a third, which means a fourth is even more probable, etc. Of course this means that as time goes by, it’s increasingly likely that I’ll need to be on meds on a permanent basis. Fuck.
3) I’m […]
Have you ever had a moment where you’re just thinking, not about anything in particular.. and those innocent thoughts take a nasty turn? Next thing you know you’re talking yourself out of hurting yourself. Moments of insanity I like to call them. When something in your head shifts ever so slightly and everything you’ve stuffed and hidden inside for twenty years tries to get out? It over loads the brain and you just want to make it stop. You’d do anything for the memories and the pain to leave.
I’ve never been able to fully tell anyone the whole story. Why not a bunch of random […]
There has to be a difference between these two statements: “I want to die” and “I wish I weren’t alive. You know how I know? Because I can honestly say the second statement but cannot say the first. Well I can, but I don’t mean it. I know this because about a year ago (Around May) I ‘wanted to die’ so badly, and to my dismay, for the first time, (after roughly 7 years of being suicidal), I realized I couldn’t go through with it. Since that day, I daily wonder why that’s so. See, if I wanted to die, I would have made it […]
How should I start off? Well here it goes, hi I am a international student (18 years old) and I am to graduate this year in May. The thing is I have never had friends since I was in the 7th grade, which was when my so called friends decided that it was cool to bully and ignore me. The one moment that still lasts in my head was the field trip… and it still plays in my head like a recurring nightmare… going on the train with my ex-friends and getting bullied throughout the field trip. Not only that but sleeping a spare tent […]