Things I picked up today after seeing my shrink for the first time in a year:
1) Seasonal Affective Disorder blows. I really don’t want to have to put up with this shit every goddamn time the leaves turn, but them’s the breaks.
2) I was reminded that the probability of getting depressed increases more and more for each successive episode. After two periods of depression, you’re likely to go through a third, which means a fourth is even more probable, etc. Of course this means that as time goes by, it’s increasingly likely that I’ll need to be on meds on a permanent basis. Fuck.
3) I’m really not looking forward to talk therapy. I’m introspective and observant, and I don’t open up easily. It’s going to be painfully awkward.
4) Apparently suicidal thoughts aren’t that big a deal unless you’ve acted on them or are thinking of doing so. Â “Passive death wish” is the term my doc used for me.
Depression is a weird chimera of an illness. I wish I weren’t sick.
1 comment
If I may say, it sounds like you liked the first session back and the person had some useful things to say. YOu also weren’t shamed or lectured or treated like an exploding bomb just because you’ve thought about wanting to die.
Try to transfer the awkwardness of therapy to the therapist. Just sit silently if it’s feeling awkward or you just don’t want to tell the person any more. Make them work for heir money. It seems like maybe it will get less awkward when it seems they really understand you and are in your corner.