This is Tika. I’m 37, never married, no children… all by choice, but my mama died in 2008, supposedly from Alzheimer’s at 56 yrs old, my best friend and cousin was killed in a car accident, my pawpaw died, my boxer dropped dead in front of me ( btw, I still have my 12 yr old chihuahua, Nathan, but he had $5100 worth of skull/brain surgery in the past yr or so. He’s all I have left. The love of my life just went to prison, for assault with serious bodily injury, he crushed my face and fractured the other side, knocked out four teeth… but I kept smiling cause I didn’t want to provoke him, he was drinking and snorting morphine, (something he’s not used to) But he said he had to get f—ed up to get the balls to do what he did to me that night. We’ve been together off and on for 11 yrs. He asked me was it possible to love somebody to death ( and he reinerated “to death) I told him I couldn’t be with him because of the life he was living… I’ve already had two abortions by him, which of course I regret, but he denied them then, and I didn’t wanna bring children into a life of crime, not knowing where there daddy was, locked upor dead. Listen, I called the hospital that night to make sure no cops would be involved. Little, did I know when I was running, bleeding, and just asking her to come pick me up, but she said she was drunk, she had already called the cops on him. I pleaded with them the police when they showed up at my house that I didn’t wanna press charges, but the state did anyway. I had almost $60,000 worth of surgery. I forgive him, cause I understand the frame of mind his was in. I’ve flipped the script on him many times over the yrs. Point of this long story is, I miss him, and when he gets out we’re not supposed to come around each other. But I don’t think I can make it til he gets out. I think about suicide everyday. I attempted suicide in 2006 and woke up in a coma. Now, I’ll take 8 Ambiens, and I still wake up every couple of hours. I wanna be with him when he gets out. My father is a pedophile, T caught him in action. My sister doesn’t give a sh– about me. When my mama died, I had been living with her for yrs, I took care of her til the end til she was took to Hospice. When she passed over, I lost my whole world, my best friend. But my entire family, including extended family pushed me away, cause of the rumors my sister was spreading, plus they all knew I was suicidal and didn’t want me to die in their house, they were pushing me further into it.I live with a roommate now, that I worked at a bank with when I was 20. But there are issues there, cause he said he didn’t have ulterior motives, but he did. He’s a 40 yr old virgin, and I’m not what he thought I wasat the bank sweet and quiet and shy. I mean I am sweet, but I’m wide open, or used to be, I partied. I was a stripper for 8 yrs til a car accident. I know I’m rambling, but I have nobody to talk to. Men every day hollar at me, and this is the truth, wanting my phone number and they tell me how beautiful I am, but I’m so miserable, and they don’t know what I’ve been through. I’m damaged goods, nobody wants somebody who complains from the pain of the 4 metal plates in my face and screws. This guy right now, N I just took him to work he says he loves me , but yet he’s a thorn in my side. There’s a long story behind all that. He says I need to get over it already, and that I’m obsessing over T, the DA said it was the worst injuries he’d ever seen and the victim survived. Now that hurt my feelings. Anyway, I’m even losing my hearing in my left ear… he beat me with a lock by the way. Everybody said there was no way he did that with his bare hands, but I didn’t want to get him into more trouble. I called his public defender, like he said, and told her when the cops came to my house and questioned me I was on medication, so they supposedly threw that statement out, I didn’t even know I was making one. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, except that I need him here now. I don’t know if I can wait 20 some months. At first, they said he was looking at 20-25 yrs, then if he plead guilty and took a plea, 5-9. He wrote me letters begging me to write this affidavit and say I lied, that I didn’t know who did it. I begged him just to take the plea and not put me through a trial. Well, the DA called and told me just to come to his preliminary hearing to intimidate him. It worked,he plead guilty, but he got a better deal than anybody could have ever expected, esp. since he’s habitual. What’s wrong with me? Why do I want to leave with him now? After all he’s done over these yrs, I only feel safe in his arms. I don’t know if I can make it. But, I’ve come this far, I should just ride the rest of it out (life)? Btw, another ex, he got out of prison, he seen me at Walmart, he said I’d better call him that night, I didn’t, told him I didn’t live in the sme place. He ended up killing his on again off again gfriend, then shot himself. That was supposed to be me. I know I’ve just been rambling on about tiny details, but this shit, I guess is what’s leading up to me being so suicidal. I really need somebody to talk to besides my psychiatrist, who’ll put me away. I need somebody to identify with me , ya know? I don’t know how to work this and I hope when I try to put it out there I don’t delete it. Even though I’m a little embarrassed, I’ve divulged this much information. Let me see how this works and if anybody responds to me. I’m already gone to tell u I’ve took a lot of pills, not to kill myself, just to feel different, I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. Somebody please talk to me!

April 24th, 2010by Tika

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