This is Tika. I’m 37, never married, no children… all by choice, but my mama died in 2008, supposedly from Alzheimer’s at 56 yrs old, my best friend and cousin was killed in a car accident, my pawpaw died, my boxer dropped dead in front of me ( btw, I still have my 12 yr old chihuahua, Nathan, but he had $5100 worth of skull/brain surgery in the past yr or so. He’s all I have left. The love of my life just went to prison, for assault with serious bodily injury, he crushed my face and fractured the other side, knocked out four teeth… but I kept smiling cause I didn’t want to provoke him, he was drinking and snorting morphine, (something he’s not used to) But he said he had to get f—ed up to get the balls to do what he did to me that night. We’ve been together off and on for 11 yrs. He asked me was it possible to love somebody to death ( and he reinerated “to death) I told him I couldn’t be with him because of the life he was living… I’ve already had two abortions by him, which of course I regret, but he denied them then, and I didn’t wanna bring children into a life of crime, not knowing where there daddy was, locked upor dead. Listen, I called the hospital that night to make sure no cops would be involved. Little, did I know when I was running, bleeding, and just asking her to come pick me up, but she said she was drunk, she had already called the cops on him. I pleaded with them the police when they showed up at my house that I didn’t wanna press charges, but the state did anyway. I had almost $60,000 worth of surgery. I forgive him, cause I understand the frame of mind his was in. I’ve flipped the script on him many times over the yrs. Point of this long story is, I miss him, and when he gets out we’re not supposed to come around each other. But I don’t think I can make it til he gets out. I think about suicide everyday. I attempted suicide in 2006 and woke up in a coma. Now, I’ll take 8 Ambiens, and I still wake up every couple of hours. I wanna be with him when he gets out. My father is a pedophile, T caught him in action. My sister doesn’t give a sh– about me. When my mama died, I had been living with her for yrs, I took care of her til the end til she was took to Hospice. When she passed over, I lost my whole world, my best friend. But my entire family, including extended family pushed me away, cause of the rumors my sister was spreading, plus they all knew I was suicidal and didn’t want me to die in their house, they were pushing me further into it.I live with a roommate now, that I worked at a bank with when I was 20. But there are issues there, cause he said he didn’t have ulterior motives, but he did. He’s a 40 yr old virgin, and I’m not what he thought I wasat the bank sweet and quiet and shy. I mean I am sweet, but I’m wide open, or used to be, I partied. I was a stripper for 8 yrs til a car accident. I know I’m rambling, but I have nobody to talk to. Men every day hollar at me, and this is the truth, wanting my phone number and they tell me how beautiful I am, but I’m so miserable, and they don’t know what I’ve been through. I’m damaged goods, nobody wants somebody who complains from the pain of the 4 metal plates in my face and screws. This guy right now, N I just took him to work he says he loves me , but yet he’s a thorn in my side. There’s a long story behind all that. He says I need to get over it already, and that I’m obsessing over T, the DA said it was the worst injuries he’d ever seen and the victim survived. Now that hurt my feelings. Anyway, I’m even losing my hearing in my left ear… he beat me with a lock by the way. Everybody said there was no way he did that with his bare hands, but I didn’t want to get him into more trouble. I called his public defender, like he said, and told her when the cops came to my house and questioned me I was on medication, so they supposedly threw that statement out, I didn’t even know I was making one. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, except that I need him here now. I don’t know if I can wait 20 some months. At first, they said he was looking at 20-25 yrs, then if he plead guilty and took a plea, 5-9. He wrote me letters begging me to write this affidavit and say I lied, that I didn’t know who did it. I begged him just to take the plea and not put me through a trial. Well, the DA called and told me just to come to his preliminary hearing to intimidate him. It worked,he plead guilty, but he got a better deal than anybody could have ever expected, esp. since he’s habitual. What’s wrong with me? Why do I want to leave with him now? After all he’s done over these yrs, I only feel safe in his arms. I don’t know if I can make it. But, I’ve come this far, I should just ride the rest of it out (life)? Btw, another ex, he got out of prison, he seen me at Walmart, he said I’d better call him that night, I didn’t, told him I didn’t live in the sme place. He ended up killing his on again off again gfriend, then shot himself. That was supposed to be me. I know I’ve just been rambling on about tiny details, but this shit, I guess is what’s leading up to me being so suicidal. I really need somebody to talk to besides my psychiatrist, who’ll put me away. I need somebody to identify with me , ya know? I don’t know how to work this and I hope when I try to put it out there I don’t delete it. Even though I’m a little embarrassed, I’ve divulged this much information. Let me see how this works and if anybody responds to me. I’m already gone to tell u I’ve took a lot of pills, not to kill myself, just to feel different, I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. Somebody please talk to me!

April 24th, 2010 by Tika
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18 Responses to “This is Tika. I’m 37, never married, no children… all by choice, but my mama died in 2008, supposedly from Alzheimer’s at 56 yrs old, my best friend and cousin was killed in a car accident, my pawpaw died, my boxer dropped dead in front of me ( btw, I still have my 12 yr old chihuahua, Nathan, but he had $5100 worth of skull/brain surgery in the past yr or so. He’s all I have left. The love of my life just went to prison, for assault with serious bodily injury, he crushed my face and fractured the other side, knocked out four teeth… but I kept smiling cause I didn’t want to provoke him, he was drinking and snorting morphine, (something he’s not used to) But he said he had to get f—ed up to get the balls to do what he did to me that night. We’ve been together off and on for 11 yrs. He asked me was it possible to love somebody to death ( and he reinerated “to death) I told him I couldn’t be with him because of the life he was living… I’ve already had two abortions by him, which of course I regret, but he denied them then, and I didn’t wanna bring children into a life of crime, not knowing where there daddy was, locked upor dead. Listen, I called the hospital that night to make sure no cops would be involved. Little, did I know when I was running, bleeding, and just asking her to come pick me up, but she said she was drunk, she had already called the cops on him. I pleaded with them the police when they showed up at my house that I didn’t wanna press charges, but the state did anyway. I had almost $60,000 worth of surgery. I forgive him, cause I understand the frame of mind his was in. I’ve flipped the script on him many times over the yrs. Point of this long story is, I miss him, and when he gets out we’re not supposed to come around each other. But I don’t think I can make it til he gets out. I think about suicide everyday. I attempted suicide in 2006 and woke up in a coma. Now, I’ll take 8 Ambiens, and I still wake up every couple of hours. I wanna be with him when he gets out. My father is a pedophile, T caught him in action. My sister doesn’t give a sh– about me. When my mama died, I had been living with her for yrs, I took care of her til the end til she was took to Hospice. When she passed over, I lost my whole world, my best friend. But my entire family, including extended family pushed me away, cause of the rumors my sister was spreading, plus they all knew I was suicidal and didn’t want me to die in their house, they were pushing me further into it.I live with a roommate now, that I worked at a bank with when I was 20. But there are issues there, cause he said he didn’t have ulterior motives, but he did. He’s a 40 yr old virgin, and I’m not what he thought I wasat the bank sweet and quiet and shy. I mean I am sweet, but I’m wide open, or used to be, I partied. I was a stripper for 8 yrs til a car accident. I know I’m rambling, but I have nobody to talk to. Men every day hollar at me, and this is the truth, wanting my phone number and they tell me how beautiful I am, but I’m so miserable, and they don’t know what I’ve been through. I’m damaged goods, nobody wants somebody who complains from the pain of the 4 metal plates in my face and screws. This guy right now, N I just took him to work he says he loves me , but yet he’s a thorn in my side. There’s a long story behind all that. He says I need to get over it already, and that I’m obsessing over T, the DA said it was the worst injuries he’d ever seen and the victim survived. Now that hurt my feelings. Anyway, I’m even losing my hearing in my left ear… he beat me with a lock by the way. Everybody said there was no way he did that with his bare hands, but I didn’t want to get him into more trouble. I called his public defender, like he said, and told her when the cops came to my house and questioned me I was on medication, so they supposedly threw that statement out, I didn’t even know I was making one. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, except that I need him here now. I don’t know if I can wait 20 some months. At first, they said he was looking at 20-25 yrs, then if he plead guilty and took a plea, 5-9. He wrote me letters begging me to write this affidavit and say I lied, that I didn’t know who did it. I begged him just to take the plea and not put me through a trial. Well, the DA called and told me just to come to his preliminary hearing to intimidate him. It worked,he plead guilty, but he got a better deal than anybody could have ever expected, esp. since he’s habitual. What’s wrong with me? Why do I want to leave with him now? After all he’s done over these yrs, I only feel safe in his arms. I don’t know if I can make it. But, I’ve come this far, I should just ride the rest of it out (life)? Btw, another ex, he got out of prison, he seen me at Walmart, he said I’d better call him that night, I didn’t, told him I didn’t live in the sme place. He ended up killing his on again off again gfriend, then shot himself. That was supposed to be me. I know I’ve just been rambling on about tiny details, but this shit, I guess is what’s leading up to me being so suicidal. I really need somebody to talk to besides my psychiatrist, who’ll put me away. I need somebody to identify with me , ya know? I don’t know how to work this and I hope when I try to put it out there I don’t delete it. Even though I’m a little embarrassed, I’ve divulged this much information. Let me see how this works and if anybody responds to me. I’m already gone to tell u I’ve took a lot of pills, not to kill myself, just to feel different, I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. Somebody please talk to me!”

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  1. They say the best people, the one’s who’ll make a difference, have the hardest lives. I believe that. I’ll admit, you have had a traumatizing life so far. But the fact that you’ve survived all of it, and fought back for your life.. is so inspirational. There’s hope for you yet, you just have to contact some extended family, someone who’ll take you in. Work through this, but please, not for me but for yourself, escape this lifestyle you live in. Only then, when you change your surroundings, can you do great things.

  2. Just remember, you’re always welcome here. And you’re never alone.

  3. Thank you. just for taken the time for me , you’ve helped me make it through another day.

  4. Hopefully you’re around to talk to for many more days.

  5. It takes great courage to post what you did. Thank you for sharing your life.

  6. Hey, first of all I want to say that you are very strong and courageous don’t ever forget that. Remember nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. About the other ex and his gf that wasn’t supposed to be you. If anything it shows you that you are here for a reason. I can relate to you which is why I have so much respect for you for posting this, it’s not an easy thing to do. I understand what you mean about feeling like you need him I’ve been there too. But the thing is is that’s part of the mistreatment. By treating you the way he did he made it so you were dependent on him…but you’re not. I definately can relate to how you feel about nobody wanting “damaged goods” but trust me there is good men out there and you aren’t damaged goods. You’re a survivor! You don’t need anyone else’s approval. I know it’s hard but I really think you need to not have contact with him. You need to focus on you and learning to love yourself. If you respect yourself then others will respect you. You have had such a rough life but you can either let it ruin you or you can use it to your advantage to make you a stronger, better person. In the end YOU decide how you want to use your life experiences, nobody else. It’s all in perspective and how you decide to look at it. If you just focus on the negative you will only get negative feelings. I know it may seem hard to find anything positive but you can still have a positive future. It’s not too late. If you need anything I’m here

  7. hi my named is farrah i have a step mom and a dad and a mom but my mom lives in newyork never met me my dad never even care bout me. i have a life that everyone is against me i go to a school and i get straight A and everyone from my school makes fun of me. i have no friends except for one her named is bailey she the only one that support me. i treat her like if she was my angel she treat me like a angel she always is there for me and never makes me feel like if im some piece of trash. she always has good feelings that im gonna be something great in this life. i have a sister that in school she said to everyone my life and everyone makes fun of it. i never had someone that has been super awesome in my life like my friend bailey but this is what i hate bout my life everyone is against me but i just keep on until the end that i want to kill my self. my life is a piece of garbage nobody even understand me how i feel inside and outside.

  8. aneuheis, I just want to give you a great big hug… after I stop crying, of course. I guess it’s hard for me to accept that anyone can possibly care. I’ve been in the bed with the covers over my head for four days now. I can’t go on living like this… you’ve given me hope. I feel guilty for saying I wanna kill myself, after reading what you said. Can you tell me how to get motivated and get on with my life?

  9. Your story probably makes everybody cry. You have such courage my friend! I know it doesn’t feel like much but have you ever just logged onto facebook and made some new friends to talk to there? It helps me to just read what they’re doing today and see how they talk to their friends. It can take your mind off your own problems for awhile. If you are religious you could try joining a church in your town and making some new friends. Those people are always so eager to help someone like you. Miserypit.com is a place to talk about suicidal feelings with people who won’t judge you. Ask your therapist to recommend some ways to get out of your horrible life and start all over. You can do it my friend!! You just need some encouragement. Look at how many people care about you already just on this site! Take Care!!

  10. Thank you! I don’t know what to say today, I’m too fucking depressed, excuse my language. But my feelings haven’t really come out in a while, and I’m afraid of what I’ll do when I snap. The pain from my assault, you’d think I’d be getting better. I can hardly move. I need pain medication. I’m so lonely. I don’t trust anybody. I have this overwhelming fear somebody is out to get me, soon. Dust Devil, thank you for your encouragement. I’m sorry I’m acting this way. It really helped to read what u said! Will things get better? My mama always told me when I was younger, they don’t get better, they get worse. Well, remember she died. My daddy made her miserable til the day she died. And he had another woman, 3 wks or sooner, paying for her crack, and giving her my mama’s jewelry. I need to take a break for right now. Love u!!!

  11. When I get my nerve up, and if anybody is interested, I want to tell the story of the night I was assaulted by my exboyfriend. I think/i know it will help me in the healing process. I need to tell the gory details.

  12. I know I might not be much help. Bit I would love to listen to your story.

  13. Thank you, you’ve already helped more than you know. Give me a little while, like I said, gotta get my nerve up.

  14. It’s okay. Unless I compleatly lose it and break down any worse than last night, I wont be going anywhere.

  15. Right now, I just wanna say I wish those guys had let him finish what he started. He had planned a murder/suicide. He beat me so hard with that lock in in hand, the lights when out. I actually thought someone had turned the lights out. He crushed my face/jaw on one side, the other side of my jaw is fractured. I’m losing my hearing in my left ear, not to mention all the other pains and aches, that weren’t addressed at the hospital. (I had called the hospital to make sure the law wouldn’t be involved, I actually had no intentions of going). But, anyway, I just remember this peace coming over me when he kept beating me to the ground… I kept smiling… even though I knew my teeth had been knocked out. I knew he was going to take my life. He promised me that. Luckily at this time, he didn’t have a gun, the first time I’ve ever known him not to have one. (Hell, he brought a Tech9 to kill my daddy when he was 18, he’s 30 now). There’s more to this story, and I’ll get back to it later if you’re interested, I just wanna know why I miss him and still love him, and he’s still the only one who can make me feel safe and secure? All this because I didn’t wanna live with him in his crackhouse, I wasn’t ready to marry him and have yet another baby I’d have to “kill” cause he’d say it wasn’t his. They were supposedly gonna get him for kidnapping, too. I asked my tarot cards one question yesterday, I try to leave them alone, because they are so accurate it’s scary. But I asked. is he gonna kidnap me when he gets out? The card said, and I compared notes with other books, “an unjust and untimely death…” He was wanting me to leave the country with him before all this happened. He gets out next year Nov 23rd. 23 is his lucky number, I’m obsessed with it, before all this happened I saw it everywhere, license plates, I’d look up, the clock would be 23 after, I changed the clock in my bedroom to a Roman numeral clock. One site, where other people are plagued by seeing the number 23, somebody said, it’s an omen of death. (Psalm 23)? Do you think I’m crazy? Or should I be preparing for this day. I think I should be. And I’ll be ready. I think it will be a relief. Btw, I survived another suicide attempt last night, I took so many pills, apparently I was one short. Thank you for reading, it helps to tell somebody these things, ya know? Please tell me what you think.

  16. You know, it would really help if I had female friends, or especially if my mama was alive. I have no family. To hell with them. I’m so alone. After all I’ve been through, do you think it can actually get better? Remember, I’m 37, no children, never married. I only have exboyfriends that call everyday to check on me. Thank God for that. They still love me and help me out and take me places, but I can’t help but wonder, is that healthy? I’m not ugly, obviously, I get “hollared” at every time I go somewhere, or approached my men wanting my phone number. But, I do want to be in love and settle down, problem is, I wish I had with him, then this would have never happened. I’m sick, I know.

  17. Well,
    I’m not much but I’m here for you.
    I can’t even begin to imagine what all you’ve been through, let alone understand it. But not only did you go through It, you made it. And girl, you made it for a reason. I know you’re sad, angry, confused, and miserable. But happiness is out there. And you are going to hunt it down, tackle it, and make it your bitch. I already know it.
    Everyone has a purpose, and no matter how insignificant it may seem it’s so much more than it appears. I know, your purpose is going to be life changing.
    Stay strong, and live on my friend.

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