My Story…
May 24th, 2010 by TyedyedThe first time I had suicidal thoughts was when I was 8 years old. At the same time I lost all faith in God that I may have had. I knew something was wrong, but being so young I didn’t know exactly what it was. In those days child abuse wasn’t talked about and I never said anything. It was my brother that protected me and kept me safe. I hung in there. 3 years later: my parents “Legally” disowned my brother and sent him to a foster home. My whole world was shattered. I had a mental breakdown, or my bi-polar disorder kicked into high gear… 11 years old and I could not see any future for me. My parents divorced a year later (for the second time) and I felt truly alone. My parents are narcissists and only care about themselves. They never took their children’s feelings into consideration, everything was about them. At that point in my life I made the decision that if nobody cared about me, I don’t care about me either. All my actions from that point on was to the extremes, (highs and lows). I never thought I would live to the age of 21. I lived every day to the extreme. Imagine my surprise when I turned 21 and I was still on this earth. I didn’t know what to do. So I hitched hiked cross the country and ended up in the Florida Keys. I found a place where there are good people and a great community and have lived here ever since. I am 42 now and have discovered that all the traumatic crap I went through was just that “CRAP”. This is a fact I can’t change. 8 years ago I was diangosed with cancer and told that had about a month to live. I couldn’t believe I went on a big time manic phase. I found out that I am a survivor not someone who wants their life to end. I went though all the treatments and have had serious side effects from those treatments. One of those side effects was the push over the edge mentally. I have survived so much all alone and being alone is my greatest fear. A fear that I knew that I was destine for when I was 11. It has taken years of blaming myself for everything, always putting myself down, being an underacheiver. I am now on the right kind of medications and I have been able to forgive myself. I now know it was never my fault. I didn’t deserve the beatings and all the mental abuse. Everything has come clear and I am to old to start over. Oh dear… I haven’t had any contact with my family (other than my brother, whom I found when I was 18) in over 2 years and it is problaly the best thing I have done in my life. I beat my parents, my upbring, my self destruction, two suicide attempts, cancer, and life in general ALL ON MY OWN. I have never had any help, that goes to say that I am alone and not hopeful for any fulfilling relationship. But I am strong and in control of my life now. With that, there is hope…
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May 24th, 2010 at 12:24 am
Your story is so cool!! You’ve done an amazing job beating right back at a horribly unfair and painful life and now you’re an inspiration! I’ve never had even one romantic relationship in my entire life so I know how that is. I’ve lived a lifetime alone with severe panic attacks and social phobia. I’ve been homeless 3 freeking times and I never gave up. I beat drugs and alcohal and built a strong healthy body. Now I am determined to see this thing through to the bitter end. We are the survivors buddy…. when death looks at us and smiles… we smile right back. I can handle anything life throws at me! I may scream and cry, I may pitch a fit heard from Mt Olympus but I’m not giving up! Bring it on!