November 27th, 2011by jessie209
Who actually reads these thingsâ€¦ Really? To know that someone else feels just a badly as I do isnâ€™t comforting. Itâ€™s sad. No one deserves this.
I keep telling myselfâ€¦ You know, if I can just get through this, Iâ€™ll be fine, and even blessed. God will use this pain for something. Itâ€™s either discipline, or preparation for something much bigger than you and I. But Jesus chose Judas and Peter as his disciples, knowing they were gonna screw up. Maybe God knows I end up killing myself, and He found a way to work around it.
Last night, I got some of my grandmotherâ€™s syringes, and practiced giving myself injections. Nothing in the syringeâ€¦ Just wanted to see if I could do it. I can, and it didnâ€™t hurt at all. And Iâ€™ve heard that insulin overdoses are the next best thing to barbiturates. I donâ€™t know. I just donâ€™t know. When I gave myself the needle, I felt no painâ€¦ No physical, and no remorse. I feel like Iâ€™ve made peace with God over the decision, should I choose to go through with it.
God, I donâ€™t knowâ€¦