Who actually reads these things… Really? To know that someone else feels just a badly as I do isn’t comforting. It’s sad. No one deserves this.
I keep telling myself… You know, if I can just get through this, I’ll be fine, and even blessed. God will use this pain for something. It’s either discipline, or preparation for something much bigger than you and I. But Jesus chose Judas and Peter as his disciples, knowing they were gonna screw up. Maybe God knows I end up killing myself, and He found a way to work around it.
Last night, I got some of my grandmother’s syringes, and practiced giving myself injections. Nothing in the syringe… Just wanted to see if I could do it. I can, and it didn’t hurt at all. And I’ve heard that insulin overdoses are the next best thing to barbiturates. I don’t know. I just don’t know. When I gave myself the needle, I felt no pain… No physical, and no remorse. I feel like I’ve made peace with God over the decision, should I choose to go through with it.
God, I don’t know…