Not the same person

Just warning you I’m a bad author so

Well during the school year I was a loud, bubbly, never-cry-in-public, person. But since summer got out and I haven’t been around many people  I isolated myself from everything and I felt fuzzy about everything all the time, and I started thinking. and since then I’ve been a lot more sensitive and I would cry about nothing and I felt really weak. I always was the friend that talked with my friends about their problems and tried to help, but now I’m the friend that can barely pay attention in conversations in general. So everytime someone would call me something just as simple as weird, I would try and hold it together but end up crying anyway. My friend Rachel was close to suicide and that was stressing me out even more, the thought of not having her here was heartbreaking, and all my friends had a lot of friends, so I felt like an awkward loser. And at the moment all my friends were also getting in relationships so I felt more alone then ever. Every night I would lay in bed and wish I was somewhere else but I couldn’t go somewhere else I had to stay here.

And then my parents started to fight a lot. We were short on money and they always fought and I would cry about it all the time. It hurt me to see my parents cry all the time.  So then I turned to something I thought I would never do, I started cutting, and I know you probably think I’m a huge prick right now but this was a big deal for me. i was only partly worried about my parents finding out. a couple of my friends found out and they didn’t really say anything about it. And you might not think I had a good reason but I just felt empty, and ugly, and fat, and I just felt abandoned. And one night after my parents had gone to sleep I took out my razor, right as I was about to slide it across my skin my mom walked in to say good night. My stomach dropped and my mom just kept asking me what I was doing and what I was hiding. I gave her my razor and she asked me what it was for, I was like hyperventilating, and I just showed her the cuts and said it’s for that, in tears. she sat down on my bed and just kept telling me it was a psychiatric problem and I had to stop.  the next day when we woke up my parents kept asking me questions but I was just so out of it. they asked me, do any of your friends cut: I answered rachel, they asked me why: I said just stuff and school and you’re fighting, and my friends birthday was coming up and I wasn’t allowed to go, and I couldn’t hang out with rachel as much cause they were convinced that was my only reason I cut, peer pressure. Rachel got mad when I told my parents, and My parents talked to my other friends parents, and I just felt like I had ruined their lives and my parents weren’t proud of me. i was constantly crying and I just didn’t want to be there anymore.

After that was over I kind of just slept a lot. felt really hollow, and isolated. I just felt like a zombie. and now my brother might have cancer, and it’s time to go back to school. And I’ve been trying out alternatives to cutting but i just don’t know. I’ve been having really bad dreams and I keep waking up crying, whether a good friend dies or I do. but the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.

When summer started I was a fun, upbeat person.

When summer ended I was a depressed, hollow, skeleton. and I wish I could have stayed and been who my friends liked.

I know you all probably think I didn’t have a good enough reason to cut or be this sad. but if you could have seen the things in my head and known how I thought you would understand and probably feel the same way. I’m just getting tired of it and it’s just not fun anymore. I’m not who I want to be and I’m alone. none of my friends know though. but they will soon once they realize how out of it i am. I just can’t hear anymore, it’s just a buzz.