Long one:
I have a big family, but my dad’s never been around so it’s always just been me and mum. Therefore, apart from my grandfather she has always been the one that I confide in. Bare in mind I am not the type of person that feels comfortable confiding in others and I tend to keep it all bottled up, occasionally taking things out on a sheet of A4 with black ink.
Whenever I do tell her things, I always make her promise not to tell anybody at least twice before I let it go because I know she’ll just spill it all to the first person that will listen.
It’s hard for me to talk about things that upset me as it is, no matter how small, but I feel that I just can’t anymore.
The thing is, as I have grown older i’ve confided in her less and less, and she may think she knows things, but she doesn’t know the half of what’s been going on with me at the moment. In recent times, when I have actually decided to talk to her and trust her not to tell, she’s gone straight away and told either my grandmother, my auntie, or at least one of her friends. For example, just four nights ago, she brought up something that somebody did, (that I made her swear not to mention to anybody) in front of me and one of her friends at the dinner table, and not only that, she also revealed to me that she had told that person’s mother quite a while ago too.
It really hurts to know that I can’t trust her with the small things, and as stupid and as silly as they may sound, if I can’t trust her with those, then how on earth am I meant to trust her with the bigger stuff? When I’ve spoken to her about it she either laughs in my face, or she is persistent that she hasn’t told anybody the big stuff, however I have been present when she’s said some of it.
I hate that she tells my aunty, because she is one of the most bitchy, judgemental ladies I know, and some days she is absolutely fine, but mostly she will walk in the room and the first thing she says is something like “What the hell has happened to your hair?” And honestly doesn’t understand how sensitive I am when it comes to those little things.
I’m writing this now, locked in the bathroom as my mother is talking about guy friends on the phone. We’ve been in an argument because she threatened to tell my aunty a secret and I asked her not to and told her why I didn’t want her to and she burst out laughing. It all got too much so I through a mini tv remote at her and she got angry and took my phone away. I feel bad for throwing the remote but the countless times she has slapped me makes me not want to care. And last time she took my phone she read through my messages which makes me trust her even less.
Now she has hung up the phone and it skyping her current boyfriend. I hate the fact that she gossips about me to her friends, but I wouldn’t ever mention her boyfriends to mine. For instance, she nearly got pregnant from one of them, she happened to know him for all together one and a half months and had met him online. She met this one online too, just a few weeks ago and is meeting him this weekend for the whole weekend. I’m fourteen in just over a week and honestly can’t deal with it because she has no clue of how badly it’s affecting me because she thinks this is fine. One of my earliest memories is of her clawing my face because I was annoying her. I tried cutting once a few months ago but absolutely hated it and am not going to do that again, especially since she’s been calling me a freak and saying I have mental issues ever since. I don’t know how to handle it of take my anger out because it’s way past the point of just talking, and I’m scared I won’t be able to hold it in and that I’ll do something violent to either myself or her.
Please, please help me.
2 comments
Hi kbayat. First, welcome to the site. This post is a good first step… It allows you to get some things off your mind. Keeping things bottled up inside you doesn’t help and it actually makes things worse. A release valve, like writing or talking, can really help. Part of your anger may lie with not being able to vent or communicate what’s happening in your world.
It seems like you’re upset or concerned with some of the decisions your mother has made. For example… meeting people online, almost getting pregnant relatively soon, etc. Sometimes it helps to accept that people are going to make decisions that satisfy them. If they make a mistake, they may or may not learn from it… but it’s often outside of your control.
If you know that you have a problem working through your anger (throwing the remote, etc.), it might be helpful to think about other ways to react when something upsets you. Perhaps going for a walk, counting to ten, or opening a book might distract you for the moment… before you react in a way that will get you in trouble. Reacting differently may also keep your text messages private because you’ll keep your phone.
There is nothing wrong with needing help… for mental health, physical health, or otherwise. You’re not a freak if you’re struggling. Perhaps there is someone at your school that you can speak with if you’re having some challenges. I’ve received help for some of my own challenges and there is nothing wrong with it.
Thirteen is also a rough age. The teenage years in general can be difficult. Keep in mind that some of the struggles you’re experiencing now won’t last forever. Once you graduate high school in a few years, you’ll have a lot more control over your destiny. For now, school is the big priority because the better you do in school, the more options you’ll have down the road.
Don’t give up on yourself… and please don’t hurt yourself. There is often a way (or few) to get through obstacles that occur. Keep moving forward.
That’s really helpful, and very much appreciated, thank you.