I just discovered this site. I don’t know if I have the energy to go through the full story, but this is where I am in brief –
38, male, below average appearance. Weak chin, skinny upper body, with a belly. I don’t work out because I want to think about my physical self as little as possible.
No college degree. I’ve started and dropped so many times it’s absurd. I was in school off and on from the age of 18 until 35. Changed majors 4 times. Every emotional setback and I dropped classes – I have almost as many W’s on my transcipt as actual grades. I only need to finish 1 more class at a community college to be able to transfer to a 4 year and get my bachelor’s. Given my ridiculous academic history I need to write a letter to the dean of my department major and get them to sign off. The shame of not being able to finished community college after years of trying and failing is too much and I can’t write that letter.
I worked in a terrible telemarketing job up until 2 years ago when somehow I got into a real sales role at a tech startup. On one hand, I’m not terrible at it and it can lead to a normal middle-class life instead of being broke all the time. On the other hand, I’m an extremely introverted person with almost all the traditional symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder. Being in sales is torture – I feel like a fraud and while I’m not terrible, my performance is solidly average. I’m surrounded by people who went to ivy league schools and have graduate degrees. I can’t help but compare myself and feel like a fraud.
I can’t remember when was the last time I had sex. Either 4 years ago or 5 years ago. Since 2 years ago I’ve developed erectile dysfunction and have given up on dating completely.
My one and only normal adult relationship lasted from 2003 to 2007. It had its ups and downs, but it was -stable- and happy most of the time. It ended when my best friend since high school seduced my gf over the course of several months – she told me what was happening as it was happening, that she was developing feelings for him but he wouldn’t leave her alone. We broke up and they were together in less than a week. He lived in the apartment downstairs from me and I had to hear them having (loud, vigorous) sex almost every night. I moved to a new city.
In the last few years I’ve been isolating more and more. Now I feel like I’m being torn apart between 2 conflicting desires. I want to be alone. I cancel plans, don’t return calls, I’m losing friends every year that passes. Just the idea of being around other people is exhausting. At the same time I know this isn’t healthy. There’s no love in my life, I’ve gone years without so much as a hug, and in the end we’re all just mammals that need some kind of physical closeness or else we get sick.
For a long time now I have been waiting for my mother to pass away, hopefully peacefully, so that I can commit suicide. I know that she is the only person who would not recover were I to do this. We’re not close, she’s on the other end of the country, but I can’t do that to her. The only thing that keeps me tied to this earth is this debt, this unwillingness to hurt other people with my passing.
I’ve fantasized about suicide, the afterlife, the process of dying at least once a week since I was 12, with long periods where it’s multiple times a day. I’ve spent so much time in that head space that I feel like I’m out of sync with the rest of humanity. Somewhere in the back of my mind there’s a tape loop repeating over and over, “I want out. I want out.” The only time I pray is when I beg, plead, and rage against God to let me go.
Writing this out is just making me realize how bad things have gotten. I feel tired. I feel sick in every sense of the word. I don’t expect a solution. I guess I’m just curious to see what an objective outsider sees when they read this.
edit: reading this a few minutes later, I think about some obvious answers. That it’s not too late, there are things I can do that will make it all better. Start by going to the gym. Write that letter to the dean and take that stupid class and go get a bachelor’s degree. But it does feel too late. When you’ve tried making a clean start over and over and over again, almost your entire life and things never get better, it’s hard to see the point. It’s like being late for a New Year’s Eve party, showing up at 2 AM while everyone else is winding down and heading home. Pointless, might as well have stayed home.
7 comments
Greetings. This is my first direct comment on someone else’s story, so I beg your pardon if you find it rude, out of place or just not the kind of answer you are looking for.
You have a job, right? I do not know if your Avoidant Personality Disorder lets you have relationships with your colleagues. If you have the same job your colleagues have as well, it is for a reason, and maybe talking to them would let you know that they do not look down to you.
Regarding that relationship you had, I cannot help but tell you that… uh… no, I cannot tell you anything about that. Sometimes life is a *****. Now, if you ever want to look for someone else, think about your mother. Why do I say this? Regardless of whether your mother is a good person or not (Although judging by your text, she is a wonderful person), the one that shall love you must be the one that can thank your mother for giving you life.
You can try going back to college, and I personally encourage you to do so. I had a classmate who, by that time, was like 53 years old and now she is an English teacher.
Isolating yourself might be a good idea or not, I think you should just find the right people to hang out with. Personally, I have based most of my relationships out of common interests that I share with others, such as certain genres of video games. But do not feel wrong because you do not return calls or whatever, just take it slow, so you can feel whether things are going in the right direction or not.
I do not know if my words are of any help, but I thank you for reading them.
PS: I do not want your pity nor your sympathy, but I would like to have your life. It sounds like a less fucked up version of mine.
Thanks for taking the time to respond – I can tell you put some thought into it and it’s much appreciated. Some nights it helps just to know someone’s listening.
To answer some of your questions, I am still working, but they’re leaning towards outsourcing us and it feels like I could lose my job at any time. I do get along well with the people I work with, it’s awkward though because of the age difference – I’m 38 in an entry-level position, so my peers are early to mid-20s. I’m afraid it makes me look like a fool in front of everyone else. The CEO is younger than I am.
My mom’s great for everyone who isn’t me. She’s got some serious borderline issues of her own and we go months without talking. She’s never been someone to rely on and she knows almost nothing about my life.
College would be fine if it wasn’t for the expense – taking out student loans at 38 seems ridiculous, I’ll be paying them off until I’m 50.
I haven’t made any new friends in 5 years. I’m having a hard enough time keeping the ones I have, I know if I make any connections now I’ll be distant and let people down. Friends, partners, it’s all the same thing, I won’t inflict my personal damage on someone else.
After the 2 posts I’ve written so far, I should acknowledge that there are still people who have it worse than me. It’s why I don’t ask for help very often. Hell, there are a billion people without clean water to drink, who am I to complain? I’m just another privileged American asshole with no real problems but the ones I’ve created for myself.
Hello, I’m new to this site as well. And I can relate to the passage in your post about feeling like a fraud in your job and feeling like it’s just too late to start anything. Very good analogy with the party, too. Anyway, you can read my post to better realize what I mean. Anyway, I’m stuck in life, too. I think a lot, if not all, people on here are. I think that what happened to you regarding your gf and supposed friend is a prime example how very appalling humans can be to one another. But this site, on the other hand, is the example how humans can be kind and helpful and bond even without meeting each other just by being open and listening to other people’s problems. I totally understand the feeling that the career paths you are thinking of seem to ridiculous to continue and you feel trapped with no options. But actually, you also do have a point, that you’re in America, some people try their whole lives just to get there, and you said yourself that you can work towards being part of the middle-class and not being broke. I guess I’m happy for you regarding that. But also I know how hard it is to be lonely and have no hugs readily available. Have you no siblings? Maybe a visit to your mum can help? Of course, you can tell her what you feel or just get a hug from her. Anyway, I hope the best for you. Thanks for reading my comment.
I want to comment on something you said regarding the need for physical closeness. It is an important observation and it may be more significant than you realize. I believe this is exactly why people that are in situations where human contact is compromised often turn to pets for companionship. And you are right – the lack of intimate contact can make us physically and emotionally ill.
I understand how devastating it can be to lose friends – it becomes a viscous circle where we become self-loathing and that alienates us from the friends we still have and makes us inherently unattractive to potential new ones. It’s one of the hardest things to overcome but I really hope you can find a way to engage with new people that can support you. If you can, you will begin to regain your self-acceptance. And that can turn everything around for you.
I’m not saying it is easy; it takes courage and risk but it can really pay off. Posting here is a good start.
I wish you well – just hold on to the knot if you can.
Nozmoking, Sooner, just want to say thanks, guys. If nothing else posting on this site has showed me a better side of humanity than I’ve come to expect. I’ll be on again later and contribute to the group. Keep your head up.
You’re very much welcome. Later. 🙂