I already feel dead.

I’ve been on several websites for suicide now.  All forums.  I suppose I keep coming to search for something.  Maybe a reply that says it’s okay.  I’m an atheist, so I don’t want to hear anything that has to do with your Jesus, Allah, etc.  I also don’t want to hear anything about waiting longer for shit might actually change in two, three, or ten years.  I’ve been depressed since I was in middle school.  I’m 21 now.  It started when I was a child.  It’s obviously the cause for my stupidity to begin with.  My childhood was filled with many forms of abuse.  My amazing daddy not only beat me every f***ing day, but as well as his friends.  Giving your friends that much control of your daughter, it’s not a surprise that one of them molested me.  My daddy also got a little too friendly.  I didn’t know how to say no either, because apparently that gives others a right to my body.  Like my sister’s friend at the time loved to play touchies.  You would think a seven year old would know better than to touch little girls.  I guess I’m not surprised on that either.  My parents, ever since I could even remember, were alcoholics.  Every day they would get trashed.  My father would beat my mother senseless and my mother would just ignore everything else that was going on.  I never had a mother, nor a father that actually loved  me. I never received hugs, or “I love you’s.”  My parents didn’t care what I looked like, so it wasn’t a concern that I went to school with dirty clothes with holes in them.  I didn’t get friend of the year award either, because they all ignored me! They made fun of me.  I was bullied in school and then came home to an older brother who would burn the dolls I did have with a lighter and hair spray.  I had a seven year old sister who would boil me carrots when I was hungry.  I never had any friends throughout elementary,  middle, or high school.  People constantly abused me, whether it being emotionally, or physically.  I started to cut myself and do drugs when I was in ninth grade, but no one paid any mind to me.  I admit, in the beginning, I did it for attention.  No one cared about  me and no one still bothered to care when they saw my marks.  My mother would give me dirty looks and call me a dirty lesbian.  Like I said, I’m 21 now.  Things haven’t changed. I’ve tried moving out.  I’ve tried working my ass off, but those thoughts, those feelings still remain.  I don’t want attention anymore.  I’m done with that. What I want now is to be erased.  I wan’t to be forgotten and most importantly, I wan’t to forget about myself.  The torture of having to wake up and realize I’m still here is horrendous.  I’ve tried suicide a couple of times.  Landing me in the hospital for a week.  You think it was obvious something was wrong if I overdosed on pills, but I simply said I had a headache and everyone believed me. Everyone carried on with their lives.  I carry no importance with me.  I have been and always will be alone.  The pain I harbor hurts so bad.  The hatred I feel for not only my so called family, but for myself, is consuming me.  All I ever feel now a days is sadness and rage.  I can’t let my past go and I know that’s the problem I am facing, but here’s the thing. I can’t let it go.  I’ve tried numerous times.  I really did, but all of these feelings come back.  The depression hits me like a wave.  I can literally feel the wave consuming my positive thoughts and all that’s left is my shell.  I feel absolutely insane inside.  I quit college, because I couldn’t concentrate, but mainly because I couldn’t work and go to school full time.  I also hated school. I don’t want to study. I don’t want to work. I don’t want a house with two kids. I don’t any of that. I don’t want to do anything anymore.  Every turn I made I was faced with even more problems. They were piling up and I just can’t keep up with it anymore.  My view on myself doesn’t help either.  I’m a good for nothing piece of crap and I deserve what has happened to me.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about suicide.  I really do crave it.  I’m a wuss though.  I don’t know how to pull that trigger.  Everyday I try to encourage myself, but I don’t have energy to do anything anymore.  My emotions go back and forth.  Sometimes I already feel dead.  I want kill myself, because it’s simple.  There is no point in living.  Everyday I’m miserable.  I am always crying and feeling so sad it’s suffocating.  I’m sick and tired of it and no matter what I do nothing works.  I can’t afford health insurance and I don’t want my family to know.  They’ll judge me even more.  I just want to do this for myself.  I want to be selfish for once.  I want it to be permanent.  I don’t ever want to be Jasmine again.  I hate her and I can’t wait until I’m no longer her, so what in the hell is stopping me?