I’m Back, It Helped

Soooo…first off, I wanted to thank all the people that gave me all of their encouraging comments on my last post, and in general. (which was about a week ago)

That was when I was hospitalized. I didn’t have my phone..and there were two computers to use the internet, which was crappy, but I think I would’ve thrown a red flag out there had I gotten on here, so I waited until I was out. Today I got discharged from the hospital, and I just wanted to talk about my experience.

So I was terrified when I first went there, I went voluntarily but I was still scared shitless. My family didn’t know I was suicidal, and my parents were overseas. So the day of, I told my therapist I was being suicidal for the past week, knowing full well she’d make me go to the psych ward. What I wasn’t anticipating was that I couldn’t go home first and talk to my family about it and then go. So I basically had to call my brother and sister-in-law over the phone and tell them I was being suicidal. Something that no one but my therapist previously knew of. And the fact that I’d been suicidal for a while. I was terrified of how they were going to react, but one way or another I got through it, was admitted to the hospital, and my family became very supportive of  me. Even when my parents came back yesterday, I was terrified of how they were going to react because they didn’t know I was in the hospital, I was terrified they would hate me and think I’m crazy, but it turned out I was simply just over-thinking things, and things ended up much better than I hoped.

The hospital itself. I made new friends. For the first time in my life I felt like I was surrounded by people who understood completely what I was going through, because they were all there for the same reason. Even though I only spent a week, I made lots of friends. I was able to talk about my problems, which helped a lot. And even though thought’s of suicide and self-harm still remained, they weren’t as strong and I felt some form of safety being in a place where I knew I could still commit self harm if I REALLY wanted to, but it was much much harder to do. Actually it was interesting because some of us would discuss it, and how weird some of the rules were, but I didn’t do anything.

It was a bit uncomfortable, especially when sleeping, because they had to keep checking up on you like every 15 mins. Even when you were in the shower.

Other than the fact that I gained like 7 lbs, it was a good experience. A lot of my stress was relieved, I was given a place to do things I might’ve once enjoyed, and I was able to freely talk to others like myself without being afraid.

I don’t know, I hope this can help someone. If you’re feeling suicidal, I don’t know if it will work for you, because I do realize how fortunate I am, but going to the hospital is not as scary as it seems. And even though the feelings of depression still somewhat remain, because it’s not like they’ve magically disappeared after a week, at least now I do feel better and happier than I did a week ago. And that’s saying something.

But thank you to all of you who have been with me so far, I don’t know if I would’ve even made it, or would’ve even considered going to the hospital if it wasn’t for some of you guys on here.

<3

(and if you read all of that…you’re super duper awesome)