story vent…dunno…? part 1

Let me apologize ahead for mispelled words and punctuation im not really caring about that shit and hope know one i know sees. Im also sorry if i upset anyone….k so im going to kinda just say how i ended up the way i am today. I was in shelter with my mother when i was born, my father was horrible to my mother he beat her cheated on her gave her chlamydia while pregnate with me. My mother chose to stay because i think she loved him and maybe was also scared to leave and be with me all on her own she had me when she was 20. We ran from him when i was 2. I had bad dreams growing up from ever since i can remember have always had insomnia and wet the bed till i was 12 and still will now at 24 if i have the dreams i used to have every night. He sexually abused me at 2. And those are what my dreams are. I remeber crying all the time. My mom always told me i was so quiet and was such a good girl. I think i was quiet because i was deppresed always. And i always felt i needed to make my mom smile because she was sad. Well…these dreams went on and on. I never said anything to my mother. She never told me this happend to me i just always had theese dreams and thought something was so wrong with me always that i was a sick person and that know one should be around me. At the age of 4 or 5 i think i was just goung into kindergarten. I remeber looking out my window at this tree i always would make shapes out the branches and stare at the sky and wishing that know one would talk to me and that i had know friends…i don’t know why i wished that and i would lay there and cry and cry silently for so long. And think every one is going to die…everyones going to leave or something bad is going to happen but never said these things to my mother the one thing i can rember telling her is that im afraid of this shadow i see at night that follows me i still rember it . I have a brother. She was always busy with him. He would act out very badly everywhere we went. We had diffrent fathers, but they both sucked. Ill tell you more about my brothers dad later on. Anyways…my brother is 3 years younger then i am.  When we were little we would fight all the time. But the fights were scary. At 5 i hit him over the head with a toy and told my mom mufasa did it wich was a lion king toy. He got taken away in an ambulance. He was okay. I remeber feeling so angry with him because he wanted my toy. He tricked me at one point to get him his ball so i started to climb a fence he pushed me the edge of the fence cut my neck up pretty bad i still have the scar he was only 4 and did that smart kid.  He used to chase me around the house with knives. But at the same time we were best friends. I love my brother. Im so bad at keeping on one subject and making things flow and im just a really scattered person im sorry. Soo uhm were now….well okay so my brothers father…i know he was with my brother and i alot. My mom was going to school. I dont rember much from when we were little besides him sitting on the couch he was kinda creepy. Him and my mother would get into loud fights allllll the time when my brother was just an infant. Throwing stuff all around the house at eachother one night the table fell over on my brother and knocked his crib over, i screamed to stop tried to kick him out hit him i tried to get him out the door nothing worked. But my brother i ran to him and picked him up and ran to my my moms friends house with him. I don’t remember anything after that. But my moms friends house was weird. I hated going there. My mom and her friend would always drink and me and her son would go hang out it was cool for alittle bit. Then he started trying to pull down my pants and yell at me if i didnt and would have these pocket knives and say he would cut me if he couldn’t touch me down there and that he just deny it all if i told i tried to but know one listend. I guess he told his friend and then they would both take turns touching me and i hated it so much. But i couldn’t be home alone i was only Six or seven. Then when i was 8 my mom left my brothers dad and started dating her friends brother which to me ment i had to be around this kid that touched me even more and now hes my cousin cause eventualy they got married. But my moms husband seemed okay at first. And he had a daughter and i liked to hang out with her. We ended up moving and i was happy i didnt have to be around my cousin anymore. But sad cause i had to leave my school. I didnt really have friends i just liked that it’s what i knew. Well we moved and things got worse with my brother and my brothers dad. He would talk badly about my mom all the time to my brother and i so we would get confused and think my mom didnt love us and never wanted us. He also gave m mothers engagment ring and asked me marry him and always tried to hold my hand in the car,it made me feel sick my stomach would hurt. He used to brake into our house and fall asleep on our couch.My brother started escalating….we moved again same town but new schools i was now 10 my brother was now 7 my brother and i would always. Play in the woods they were so cool.my brother. Started getting worse though he through a toy car at my moms husbads daughters head she had to get stitches. He lit the shed on fire. He would hit my mom and blame her for things like falling off his bike. Becase we moved to the house that had that drive way….he just kinda started going off and i did too.my mom got sick. Really sick she ended up in the hospital for awhile,she had a heart attack and almost died, she started loosing her mind. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong. My mom an her husband grew apart she started always being on the computer and talk to people it was weird they got a divorce he couldn’t deal with her being sick so he left and found out she couldn’t have more kids so he walked and left us there in that house we couldn’t afford and my mom sick. Now it was just up to her we also has 2 dogs that ment the world to all of us. We had to get rid of both of them because we couldn’t afford to feed them. I still miss them. My mom got worse i got worse and my brother did too my brother and i didn’t play anymore everything got so seriouse. My mom sat down on my bed with me. And told. Me she got diagnosed. With bipolar and depression she said thats why i have been so crazy. She started yelling all the time. I knew she was stressed and scared but she scared me too. I was going through my own things that she didnt know about and didn’t think she could handle. I didn’t want her to stress more. I started seeing this lady wich was a ghost she would tell me to kill myslef and she had. Cuts Up and down her arms which is how i started cutting at the age of 10. My mom started calling a baby sitter to come over i loved her she was so nice to us my mom would go out drinking every night and sometimes just leave us there she didnt know i knew she would sneek out in the middle of the night. I started taking care of my brother i didn’t know how to cook or anything my brother would act up so bad i had no idea what to do at one point i had to lock him in a dog cage becase he came after me with a knife. I felt bad but i didnt know what to do. My mom got mad. I just stayed quiet. My brother didn’t understand anything neither did i but i tried to. My mom started getting worse and wouldn’t leave her bed ended up back in the hospital no one would Help us. One night her  now ex husband broke in and through her against the wall. And she ran outside he tried to run her over with his car.We found out she didn’t have bipolar she had graves disease and was hyper thiroid and thats why she was going out all the time and out of it and so thin she was 80 lbs she was so little and sick it was so sad then she went hypo thiroid and got depressed and layed in bed all day and didnt do anything.she gained alittle more weight stopped drnking and we left that house and moved again when i was 12 and my brother was 9. My first week in this knew town i met this kid down the street he was cool i had a crush on him we said we would sneak out abd meet up but he never came out i guess he couldnt get out.i decided to go exploring on my own i ended up getting rapeped that night i had a huge bruise on my stomach i ran home crawled in my bed and pretened i was sick and wouldnt move for days. I never talked to that kid again. things kinda fell apart more after that but i couldnt let my mom know she was just starting to get better and my brother was starting to be ok. Plus i felt so much more of a horrible person i didnt want. Anyone to know what happend. My cutting got worse i started doing it more. At that point they were chicken scratches. I started school.6th grade i got picked on alot cause i was quiet and cause i didn’t have nice clothes. And need extra help in school i got diagnosed with add.I didn’t bother me to much i never gave a shit what anyone thought of me. And then i met this girl she became my very first friend we are still close today. My brother is now 10 i am now 13 my brother lost it one day he ended up having to be restrained and brought off to the mental hospital he fought the whole time. It broke my heart and my moms watching him get taken away in that abulance still gets me. I chased it down the street to make sure he was okay. He got out a month later. He got abused in the hospital a staff member picked him up and held him against the wall by his neck. He had brusies on his neck. He looked even sicker. My mom tried to do something about it and no one believed her because there was no proof but there was bruises on his neck so I don’t understand why that was not true.it was sad and a huge adjustment when he came home he wanted everything just like the hospital he wanted the schedule like the hospital he wanted all of his toys in bins and he wanted to ask my mom if she could grab them for him that was after about the third or fourth hospital ization he start getting into that routine of having to have everything like the hospital. it was really sad he would sleep in his closet and on the floor and he would hide knives all around his room.I still don’t know why he did that he was always paranoid about something.he never had any friends ever. when my friends would come over he would do things like the door and, naked and run around and just act f****** just annoying and I would get angry and get him out of my room it was embarrassing to me. but he also had this sweet side to him he always put everyone before himself always he was such a sweetie pie.my mom started working so my brother would go to school and I would go to school and I couldn’t see fit anymore cuz I had to stay with him while she was working he would get so angry and trashed the house and break everything and he was always on the computer the whole time playing games we had his headphones on listening to music always he was always just living inside of his headI wish I got it more when I was younger and I didn’t think he was just an annoying little brother I wish I could have been there more for him. ok so back to my crap. … let’s see after 6th gradewho is 7th grade 7th grade and became even more depressed I’ve got on this medication for my aDD it was called adderall it made me worse it made me fixate on things that’s when I got addicted to the cutting and it started getting a lot worse i started thinking about suicide alot more. I became addicted to the cuttingI started losing a lot of weight.I started isolating more and missing school a lot because I couldn’t handle being around the people I failed all my classes all the time.I opened up to my friend that I made in 6th grade I told her I had been cutting myself because she told me she started cutting herselfby that point I think that everyone was cutting themselves I feel like I was some kind of trend no one knew I did it thoughbesides her.cutting was more than just a little trend for meI would get sick and could not go to the doctors because I didn’t want anyone to see my cuts and I did not want to stopI had already been cutting for about 4 yearsand I was not going to give that up for anything I always wore long sleeves or bracelet always was in a sweatshirt always everyone always thought that I was overweight because I always wore baggy clothes I would never go to the beach I always said I didn’t like sand or I didn’t like the ocean I had an excuse for everything from doing dishes I would never roll up my sleeves I always got out of everything some way I did and if I was sick well then I was I was pretty much just screwed no one ever found out ever up until i was 16. I started dating this boy and it was OK until a certain point he found out about my cutting and that was when I was 15 he used to abuse me I lost my virginity to him when he found out I was cutting he would grab my wrists until they bled I would bleed all over my long sleeve shirts I used to borrow my friends clothes and she didn’t know how bad it was and no one knew about how my boyfriend treated me so I would tell her that my mom is coming upstairs so I quickly had to pull down my sleeves and cover up the blood I remember coming home and running Upstairs my mom was always so busy with my brother or on the computer or doing something so it was kind of easy to get away with everything. my boyfriend would always tell me to stop cutting I would tell him I’m not going two stop I can’t stop it’s how I get by everyday if I don’t do this I don’t know what will happen to meI tried to hide it from him so I started doing it on my stomachwhen he found out I started doing it on my stomach he is always rub my stomach tilll they bled or hit my stomach and try to hurt it so I’d stop so then I moved to my legs so he wouldn’t know when he found out that he would punch my legs till I bled through my pants my cutting just got worse it just got deeper and deeper I know I’ve needed stitches so many times I just never went and just out and now I have these scars and they’re called keloids there are raised andmost of them are huge and are like a giant gap in my legs or in my arms or in my stomach they’re all over my body I even have them on my back and I just thought he loved me and just wanted me to stop and I thought I was a really bad person for doing this and I deserve it and I should stop because it was hurting people around me but I couldn’t stop and I still didn’t really want to. he treated me really bad I see now and he would do things like take the bows out of my hair because he didn’t like them at one point I saw the shoebox under his bed there was about 50bows in that box and he said that he would just leave the next time he saw me wear them I eventually had no more bows to wear so I had to stop wearing them.he started to hit me more and one time took naked pictures of me that I was not OK with he wouldn’t delete them. I did try to leave him but he said he would show everyone those pictures of me he also said he would tell everyone that I cut he also said that he would burn down my house which the way he acted he probably really would have because of it used to make explosives and things like thathe also threatened that one. Take care my whole family she also told me if one day I ever have children he would kill them toohe would always tell me things like I’m crazy which made me feel more crazy he drove me to the point of insanity or I didn’t even know half the time if I was dreaming or not I always walk with my head down and my hair in my face I never wanted to look up anymore I even transferred schools to try to get away from him that was a big mistake I had such a low self esteem I kind of just stayed in kind of just dealt with things he would threaten to kill himself if I ever left himI didn’t want him to kill himself I didn’t want him to feel pain I left himso I decided to sacrifice my own happiness to make him happy and also I was scared of what he do to me my family and everything I didn’t want anything to happen and I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on either so I kept everything to myself things started getting worse though and people my friends kind of started figuring out things were getting badone day I picked up a glass bottle and I just threw it in the street I don’t know why I just felt like it it didn’t break all the way so I picked it back up but he was in front of it and when I picked it up he stomped on it and I felt the glass pierce through my finger I had to go to the hospital luckily they didn’t see the cuts on me I was very lucky it was just my finger so I had to get 6 stitches in my index finger I told my mom that I cut myself on the glass bottle she believed that I told everyone else that to the sides two of my friends I told them what happened and how it started getting worse. my friend got worried about me after that she didn’t tell my mom about my boyfriend but she did tell about my cutting she said it was getting deeper and deeper and she was afraid I was going to eventually do it too deep. my mom did not confront me actually we had a big blow out session the next day about something I don’t remember what it was right before school and I turned her and I screamed you didn’t even know that I have been cutting my self for the past few years since I was 10 years old! I I then got hospitalized for the first time and that didn’t help me at all I got put on a few different meds that didn’t do me any good and you know when I came out I went to go see my boyfriend and he would tell me those meds don’t work for you you are more insane you should let me try to help you would look up stuff to make chemicals and try to get me to do acid and ecstasy and all these other drugs to help me I would tell him no I didn’t trust that stuffI tried using my coping skills as the hospital calls it I tried drawing making bracelets writing going for walks listening to music swinging on the swingsI didn’t want to hurt my mom anymore but I probably had a week then I started cutting again I mean I tried I started drawing again and I got excited about one of my drawings I thought I did good so I showed my boyfriend he tore it up threw it in the woods and then you know those fences those wooden fences with the big poles yeah he rammed one of those into my stomach knocking the wind out of me