I’ve been struggling with depression since I was 17 (I’m almost 21). There’s been early onset symptoms but I didn’t have a concept of depression until about 16. My grandparents all died really early. I’m the only child raised by my mom alone. While I care about her deeply in my own ways, she’s been verbally (and sometimes physical) abusive since I was 6 years old. She and I have very different temperament. When under stress, she blows up and goes ballistic. As for me, I just freeze up completely, and it would feel like my body’s constricted to the point that I can’t take in oxygen. The biggest problem of mine has always been not being able to connect with human beings on a general level. In social situations, I show interest in people and ask them questions to get to know them, but it doesn’t ever seem to be reciprocated for me. I have gone through life feeling like some kind of animal/creature whose species is completely extinct and there’s only me left of my kind. Sometimes, the alienation that I feel suddenly becomes so overwhelming that it would make me physically weak. The feeling would come in waves, like panic attacks.
I don’t really fight with people (arguing and yelling etc) but when I do make friends, they always vanish. Mom won’t understand this concept, but I identify as nonbinary gender (meaning you don’t feel you fit in either one end or the other of the female-male spectrum). My girlfriend of half year just disappeared on me two weeks ago without a word of explanation. I literally cannot get a word out of her. She’s been just amazing to me, and for the first time, I felt like I had support, that I had a safe place to go to. Since she “broke up” with me, I have been sick to my stomach and cannot eat. I am convinced this is caused by some universal force working against me, because I don’t think I did anything wrong, and she would never purposely hurt me. I just felt that this really drew the line, and I cannot stop obsessing over the idea that my existence isn’t meant to be. I like myself and I know I have good qualities, but I feel that life’s pain far surpasses the amount of joy. This is simply too much.
4 comments
wow.. I am amazed at the number of people here who have the same problems as mine..
I am like you.. I have no social or communication skills.. are you autistic?
look.. I don’t want to sound stupid or anything but the only thing I can say to help you is if you have enough money then you should see a good psychologist.. he might be able to help you if you really have any problems interacting with people.. I would do the same thing but I can’t afford it..
You don’t sound dumb, that’s a reasonable suggestion. I have been in therapy and medication for almost 4 years as well and didn’t really accomplish anything from talk therapy. The medication does take the edge of wanting to go kill myself.
No, i’m not autistic, not as far as i’m aware.
I have read the whole story and I’m by no means diminishing any of that.
I’m in here, and I am trying to understand.
I can’t give you the answers you are seeking, though.
I can only give you a few of my thoughts.
I’m wondering about the meaning of my existence as well. It’s a bit different from what you’re contemplating, you see. In my humble opinion, there’s little point in trying to decipher whether we were meant to be or not. We’re already here. We’re living. Now. I know that it doesn’t technically answer your question. I’m just saying that while we’re here, we can give our lives whatever meaning we wish. And our lives aren’t just an accident. At least that’s what I believe.
No matter what our experience is so far, while we’re alive, things can be turned around. We can turn them around.
I myself know how hard it’d be (and is) without support from others. I know that people can hurt other people. Abandon them at their best or worst. And it changes and influences us. But only after some time can we evaluate the happenings of the past. Our perception on the things changes. That is life. Time alters your memories and dulls the pain. That’s how we’re able to survive.
Try to cope, find your reason. You’re strong. Just look at all that you’ve already been through. It wasn’t a walk in the park, but you have come to here. Don’t lose hope now (at least in the long run; slip-ups do occur from time to time and it’s perfectly fine) – that’s all there might be to it, giving it some time to figure things out calmly.
And who knows, maybe you’ll get to know the reasons some day.
It gets better.
I’m rooting for you!