I’m sorry I’m about to be all wordy, jumbled, and redundant and you probably don’t care about my life story, but I need an outlet.
I grew up with an ideal life. Friends–two best friends who all did everything together. Family–mom, dad, brother, sister. We always did all the family-esque things together.
We must have looked great from the outside.
(first couple paragraphs for background on the origin of my depression)
Now living on the inside, my dad was abusive, my mom is an abusive drunk, my sister was more emotionally unstable than me, and my brother was my biggest bully and the start to my low self-esteem.
When I was 14, my best friends said they hated me and I was annoying. They didn’t realize I wasn’t getting the attention I needed at home. When I was 15, we became friends again because they got tired of just the two of them and I had no one else. Then when I was 16 I had gotten my license and I just got my first real boyfriend, my two “best-friends” blew up on me and said they hated me and thought I was the most fake person they’d ever met. I admit I was a fake person, but only because I hated who I really was so I pretended to be someone I liked. I even developed anorexia to become her. I told them this and that I was severely depressed and thought about killing myself and ways to do it.
You know what they said? “Your life is perfect. You don’t deserve to be depressed. You just want the attention and there’s another reason you’re fake and we hate you.”
I told my sister how I wanted to kill myself, thinking that she might understand and be able to help. By now she had moved out and had overcome her depression, and she said, “You’re being selfish and there’s no reason for you to do it.”
From there on, I never killed myself because I was like “Wow, everyone would still hate me if I was gone. Not because they were upset I’d done it, but because I don’t have the right or reason to be depressed.” I still wanted to be dead so I couldn’t hear them hating me.
That being said, I didn’t want to want to be dead either. I felt like I had no reason to not want to live. My life was supposed to be perfect. That’s what everyone kept telling me. But why couldn’t I make it perfect? Why was I messing up this perfect life I lead? Why was everyone seeing something other than what I was experiencing. Then I felt bad and guilty because I was supposedly wasting this great life I was given. What is wrong with me?
I wanted help or medication or something but I didn’t know where to go. So I went to my doctor at the local clinic and told him I thought I had depression and anxiety. I was having constant breakdowns and anxiety attacks over nothing and everything. The anxiety attacks would mess with my heart rate and I told him that. He told me it’s probably not anxiety and depression because I’m so young (I’m 20 now) and everything seems to be going smoothly in my life. So he gave me something to calm down my heart rate. He didn’t believe me either, or attempt to help.
I don’t want to want to die. I apparently have all these great things to live for. Why am I missing everything everyone else sees in my life.
No one asks about my life; therefore, no one knows about my life, but everyone always tells me how I am.
22 comments
your friends are fucked to say that shit to u. fuck em.
But I have no one else.
sometimes nobody is better than asshole somebodies. honestly we stick with ppl like that cause we fear being alone. you wont be alone for long. i guarantee u cut them out and new better ppl will take their place.
I’m afraid of being rejected by new people. Or hearing the same thing that I’ve already gotten out of the way with these “friends.” At least I know how they really feel about me, you know? I won’t have to go through all that fake friendship stuff again. It’s easier to deal with people who I know how they really feel about me.
but you’re actually ok with being around ppl that hate you and dont celebrate your beauty?? wtf. we accept the love we think we deserve. you deserve so much more girl
I don’t know.. I don’t think I can change. My anxiety tells me I can’t and my depression tells me it’s not worth it honestly.
If you want things to change you should stop worrying about other people’s words. Cheer up! 😀
My anxiety won’t let me not care about my image in other peoples’ eyes.
I know that feeling, trust me it’s very pointless.
Like I tried to ease into being myself and switched up my hairstyle, which I’ve had the same thing for years, to something I wanted, but I couldn’t even be around myself then. I just felt like even strangers knew how I usually looked and that I look stupid doing something different to be myself.
I can’t do anything new because I’m so afraid which worsens my depression because I hate who I am. I’m stuck.
Try not to overthink, take some risks and enjoy everything you do. You can do it! (^_^)
People who don’t care about other people story have nothing to do here.
I see communication problems in your story.
The friends who says “we hate you” had probably big problems themselves, like you had.
Imagine you are very unhappy, and you see someone with the dream life you wanted, and the person says: “I don’t want this life”.
But the person wears a mask and none knows it.
You was the person wearing the mask, though thing like anorexia, so don’t be surprised people bought into your fake life, you acted, you played a role, and you was a good actor. So people saw only the acting.
Your sister can’t help you if she is in depression, like you can’t help none.
You says to your sister: “hey, I’m not well”, but she wanted you to say: “hey, why aren’t you well?”
So, it’s another communication problem, the same one than the first one.
People doesn’t hate you, it’s only a way to say you hurt them.
You have the right to be depressed, nobody can tell you you have the right, or you haven’t the right to be depressed, they only can reply emotionnally (not rationnally)
Your life is not perfect, but you wanted other people to think that. Let them see that the paint on the wall is decaying. Let them see the real you. Or they only see the fake you.
Your doctor maybe be a good doctor, but is not a therapist, depression has no age, there are depressive young child (I have been one of them, so I KNOW)
Stop saying, everything seems, everything seems…
People sees the “seems”, but you know the reality.
The big problem I can see in your story, it’s that nobody ask how you feel, BUT you don’t ask other people how they feel.
People are selfish with you, because they are suffering, but you are selfish with them too, for the same reasons.
I always ask people how they feel. I always read their situation and what happened in their life. I wanted to be fake so people would think I was a good person they could come and talk to. No one wants to go to someone who is worse than them and complain about their life or ask for advice. I knew everything about my friends and I made it a point to know because I didn’t want them to end up like me because no one asked how I felt and I wanted to die. I wanted them to be alive and happy because I knew I couldn’t.
You’re right, people are afraid of people who are depressive, but what I try to explain is that you have contradictions in your story. You try very hard to seems perfect, and people believe you, because your a good actor, and so, you are sad because people believe you.
I don’t think your sister could ask you how you feel, because she is depressed, and when you are depressed, you are centered on your suffering.
I guess depressed and sad people can’t ask this, happy people can’t ask this, because everything is fine for them, they don’t know how you feel when you are unhappy, and other people are just selfish, they don’t care about other feeling good or bad.
In your story, I see reasons for your depression, I disagree with the people who says you have everything, if amother drink for instance, it makes big wounds.
Your friends didn’t act in a good way by treating you like that, but they do make a point (even if they got it somewhat lost in translation), since living a life of repressing and hiding things isn’t good for anyone (either you or the ones who surround you). Like FrenchyGirl mentioned above, people meet the you that you show them, so it’s no wonder they’ll call you fake when they start seeing through it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, you had perfectly good reasons to do so (and it’s not an attack on my part), but in the long run it will only damage you even further. You did good by looking for help, but your local doctor has no idea of what he’s talking about, you can suffer from anxiety or depression at your age, but a therapist could be able to help you in a better form (without dismissing your problems like your local doctor did).
Your family is likely suffering from issues as well, so maybe it’s not that they don’t care or are selfish, but there’s so much that you can handle at once. Maybe try talking to them, and start acting like you really feel like (without overdoing it tho, if you feel like killing everyone, don’t! haha). You have to be honest with yourself first, before others can appreciate you for what you really are.
The end made me laugh. 🙂 I don’t plan on killing anyone, I promise. But it’s hard to be real with myself because I don’t exactly know who I am now. I’m not sure how to be real because I don’t know what’s real. Even when I attempt at doing something that feels like me, my anxiety tells me everyone will hate who I am and what I’m doing and I’ll look stupid.
I just feel lost.
I think you need a therapy to learn to be yourself without shame.
Afterwards, bad ideas could maybe go.
That’s actually one of the hardest parts of being yourself, letting go of the fear of what others will think or how they will react about it. Like with any other difficult things you can either go one step at a time, or just go all out with it, the idea is that you feel comfortable doing it.
So what if you look stupid or some people hate you? you’ll never please everyone (hell, you’ll almost never please someone even if you do everything they want). It’s true that we do have to adjust to some situations, but the idea is still being yourself while doing it. Better to be around people that accept you for what you are than having to fake all the time (been there). Like i said before, a therapist (not a general doctor) might help a bit there, but it does take time, because like you mentioned, you kinda have to find yourself again (it can be done tho).
Agree with the above, thanks for summarizing it! sometimes i write more than is needed.
ignore ”friends”. go to a local church community you’ll feel more accepted there. being religious will change you for the best.
no no no it will not. fuck church. fuck religion. now spirituality perhaps may help
I used to be religious. I used to go to church every Sunday and youth group every week. Until I started being singled out by my peers because I liked to wear dark clothing, scary band shirts, dying my hair, and listening to heavy music. And my group leaders would use me as an example to possible satanic stereotypes.
I am now agnostic. I don’t understand religion and religious people anymore. They were not good people I knew. And I didn’t want to associate myself with people who could make me feel so bad about myself and hated in a place I was supposed to feel safe.