This Loathsome test of life, that nothing is in my hand
except the power to take away my own life
My heart does not desire what i want to do
and i stop myself from doing things that i want to do
My mind is not mine to think, what i want to think
God, why are you testing me with pain
O Sadist, Do you want to give me pain
even bigger than the pain of this life
Or are you waiting that i get so disappointed with life
that i take my life by my own hands
So that you can get a chance to punish this otherwise powerless soul
That I have exercised the only thing that i had the power to do
The only option of which the result was in my own hand; my life
——————-
Then i thought may be tomorrow will bring such a news,
maybe,
so that when i got aware of it I will be free from all of my grief
I will be free from all of the tests
I will be free from worries of this loathsome life
——————–
Hence I pray,
that please hasten to end this test
One way or another
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3 comments
I wish life was like a song… One way or another (as u said).. I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha (Blondie’s “One Way or Another”– sorry I couldnt resist lol.) Seriously tho, the lyrics have meaning… “One day, I’m gonna find ya.” Just like life. Everything finds us eventually, so why not clear out the shit while we’re young(ish)? Make our paths clear.
RT :), I’m am trying to help you to understand what’s really going on, first i am not religious, 2nd there is no test of life, we human beings are born we learn and we make good decisions and bad ones, these decisions are what effect our life’s, I made plenty of bad ones myself, the bad ones you really feel, you are not being tested and you are in control, the sooner you realize this the sooner you can make things better for yourself, i can not blame anyone or supernatural thing for placing me in a position that’s unfavorable, you always have had the right to do and change things for the bad or the good, outside influences can assist you in both directions if you let them, don’t fool yourself you are in charge, life is not a test for anything, it’s about survival, trying to survive is your purpose here, eventually everyone loses that battle and dies, there’s no where to go and there’s no 2nd chances, our job is to accept what we are, predators, and try to survive best we can without harming ourselves or others much as we can, like a tiger he kills because he needs to eat and not for sport. we human predators are far worst. i have to try to live with myself because i have a brain that reasons, and not acting out of instinct, i can do either or.
i’d like to believe on negation of existence of God, but it is something i cannot deny at all because i don;t believe on chaos, random chances. I would rather have a God to blame for my situation, for as much sadist he would be, rather than thinking myself as a predator; for I’ve never been one.
I would rather believe in beauty, aesthetics and arts, which have no chance of existence in the evolution of such a being, who would eventually come up at the top of food chain.
The only thing that keeps me going is that the probable truth; we human beings are more than survival instincts; sex and food; we do love; unconditionally and even are ready to die for it. We are more greyer than plain black and white.
And, no, we were never in control, not even for our birth; our consciousness, our conscience, we cannot even make others realize our love and care for them, we cannot even make others realize that we are sorry for our actions. We get frustrated and panic. We make errors and then feel ashamed about it even without punishment; whether someone would know about us being ashamed or not, regardless of our position in maintaining of the society….We love and hate ourselves at the same time. We are exactly Human.