The pain never ends.

3 years ago, i started having really bad stomach aches. i was stuck in the house for 5 months, and my best friend moved away. i had tons of tests, but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. by the end of that summer, i was extremely depressed and started cutting myself. when that school year started, i forced myself to play a sport (which i became very good at) and the pain kind of dissipated. i lost about 20 pounds, and I’m already tiny as it is, so i was down to about 85 pounds. when the physical pain sort of stopped, the depression stayed. i cut myself and left scars on my hips so nobody would notice. i stopped eating. the only meal i would eat was dinner and some snacks. the girls at school were annoying af, and i knew i was more mature than them but i never pointed it out. at the end of that year, i was still sad. summer came and i found out we were moving. i was so glad to get out of there. we were moving to a small, little rich town. my old school was in the city where there were gangs, fights, and drugs. I couldn’t wait to leave. then, i got to my new school, but it was horrible. the girls thought they were hot shit bc they had so much money and it’s v small so everyone has known each other since kindergarten. i was friends with the most popular and richest girls, bc i was pretty to them and had potential. but I wasn’t happy. i still cut, and I’d binge a lot. i stopped being friends with them and found a group of girls who i thought were going to be good people. everyone is artificial. then, this previous july, the stomach pain returned. i was so frightened bc i didnt know what was causing it. something wasn’t right. over the next couple months, i went through with excruciating pain, and barely eating. i was so dizzy and nauseous I couldn’t force myself to eat either. i saw so many doctors, who told me i was crazy, but in October I couldn’t take the pain and i begged my mom to take me to the ER again. after fighting with the staff, they finally admitted me. 2 days later, i was diagnosed with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), which is a debilitating condition common among teens. it’s mostly misdiagnosed as anxiety. this condition effects your whole entire body, from your nervous system, heart, digestive, and more. it ruined my life. I can’t go to school. I’m so sick, my friends all ditched me besides one good one and my bf. turns out, i also have the hardest type of POTS to treat, which sucks bc I’m not getting better. it takes years to get better. I’ve been so depressed lately. my parents sometimes don’t understand how i feel. i get terrible panic attacks bc I developed anxiety and my systems are just out of balance. it’s the worst pain. I’m so sick of getting up every day, taking medicine (which doesn’t work much) and forcing myself to do school work from tutoring and trying tk cope. i see a counselor, and I’ve tried dozens of natural treatment options and nothing has worked. I’m trapped in my own disgusting body. i hate it and myself. im sorry this is so long, i jusg needed to get it off my chest