Thats Rock Bottom… Depressed Badly…

Hi… I think that most of us here not because a good thing… Well, the same with me.

Before I’d start this post I would like point out few things:

First of all, I’m not a native English speaker, so please, if I have any grammar mistakes, feel free to correct me.

second, I was inspired to write this post thanks to a memeber who used to post here commonly 3 years ago, named ‘NotReallyHereAtAll‘. I remember… a year ago I was so depressed I looked online for people I can relate to who feel the same as me, and i somehow reached her post ‘I Want To Disappear‘. I believe I can relate to 99% of the things she said there.

Besides her, some of the things I’ll write here are inspired by important people to me.

So… I dont really know how to begin this post… I’ll just say i feel desperate. I’m feeling like I hit the rock bottom. my life pretty much stink…

I dont have a lot of friends, yet i do feel happy and good with the ones i have.

im not a genius, and im not looking to be satisfied from my grades in school. I rather just pass every subject and make sure i wont fail than try to succeed and get good grades.

im not that beautiful, but im also not that ugly.

im average most likely, and thats just when im trying my best… yet if ill give an average effort to succeed, ill probably fail… and thats sucks…

people like my friends and family acctually think im above average, & more like a genius or something, but im really not like that…

everytime i have a big exam, or a test or something really important to me, i’d mostly fail even if ive done the best i could…

and these fails always stack together, and becomes a huge mountain of failures i had during my life…

this is so depressing… i cant even describe it…

and today i failed another time in something important to me… and these failures just break me from the inside, cause no matter how hard i try, i always fail…

i came to a point that i just feel like i want to disappear… i dont want to suicide, because that’ll break my parents hearts… and they really love me… yet a failure like me really dont deserve to live… i wont elaborate a lot about my failures, but i know some of them are horrible… ive gone through alot of shit during my life, and i just wish, one day i’d wake up from this nightmare, and a smile will appear on my face, and tears running down my face will let me know, all the shit ive gone through was just a bad dream…

i dont know what else to say… i just feel worse and worse everyday… and its the usual mood for me… if im not doing or having something bad during the day its actually a good day for me then…

i’d just like to fix everything ive done wrong… or at least die someway… i’d rather die in a car accident or something like that, knowing that i didnt let anyone down and killed myself…

“live half a life and throw the rest away”? (Eminem)

let me quote a chorus from one of my favorite songs as an ending for this post:

“That’s rock bottom
When this life makes you mad enough to kill
That’s rock bottom
When you want something bad enough to steal
That’s rock bottom
When you feel like you’ve had it up to here
‘Cause you mad enough to scream
But you’re sad enough to tear“