There’s so much I want to say. It’s literally stressing me out. I am 15, and I am world weary. I am a zoo animal trapped behind glass, never existing with the world. Always apart. There are people living right now, but I can never exist with them. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I am a pathological liar. I have misophonia. I am SO insecure. My family used to be homeless, and I feel guilty that we aren’t anymore. I feel like a fake-I suck at being normal; I don’t fit in with the misfits. I think I have mild OCD. My dad loves my sister more. I have 0 friends. No one would attend my funeral. I have a biting personality that people that I know sometimes hate; I am painfully shy with everyone but my family. I am SO different from my family. I am ugly and fat even though I don’t weigh very much-I would say I have anorexia, but I am too fat to say that (but every time I eat, I want to throw up; every time I exercise I want to burn all of my fat off). I have severe anxiety. I’m a secret cutter. Nobody sees the real me. I am dying slowly inside my own head. No one can see. No one can help. Nothing is worth living for. So much guilt–I want to kill myself so much, but I don’t want to hurt my family. It’s selfish of them to make me live for them. I can’t go on as someone without a name or identity. I don’t know who I am. I wish I didn’t exist. I wish that magic and beauty and fictional dreams were true. But they’re not.
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4 comments
I feel just like you. what can be done? no one will magically appear and change our life. we have to keep trying. if all fails, then all we can do is kill ourselves. and if we can’t even do that, then we are stuck living like this till the day we die because of some accident or natural death.
Exactly! I am terrified of getting older. I can’t do anything that I love anymore. What is the point of so much pain, of being an aberration? Do I deserve to be born to a life of agony? What’s the FUCKING point? Why do I feel so much guilt that I haven’t gone through the horrible things that some people have gone through? Why do I feel like a fraud? Why is there no beauty in this awful world?
velveteennightingale, i’m older! you have to live long enough to get there! i actually can do all the things i love but even better! it’s hard to understand that, younger people don’t realize that, i didn’t, yeah a few more wrinkles and so on, but you do get better with age, doesn’t that make since? life isn’t a race against time, it’s about getting better till you die.
You see the real you don’t you though? Don’t give up… Let me tell you, everyone’s experiences and thoughts are different. One thing I have learned is that, it doesn’t matter if you think you have not gone through “worse” things like somebody else. What matters is, it’s making you feel bad, and that is not for others to tell you how good or bad it is or isn’t for you, nor for you to tell yourself it’s not as bad as others, so…don’t feel guilty. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that.