Hi everyone. I’m new here, this is my first post, but I’ve been reading posts and stuff for a few months now. I don’t really know why I am even posting anything, my story isn’t nearly as sad as everyone else’s. I have had depression, anxiety, pts for almost four years now. In about the last year, the depression has gotten really bad. It got so bad that I had to stop driving because I couldn’t concentrate. I would just think about how I wanted to just steer the car off the edge. I got really scared of what I could do to myself. I am taking medicine, but it really doesn’t help me all that much. Like a few other people on here, I just feel really numb to most things, and then my anxiety takes over and then I panic because I am supposed to feel happy sometimes and sad when sad things happen but lately I haven’t been feeling anything. Nothing. I feel like I am on autopilot. That is what made my boyfriend break up with me last week. He said that I “wasn’t all there”. I never told him about my sadness. I don’t sleep much because of the nightmares, so I am always so exhausted which doesn’t help anything.
Four years ago my best friend committed suicide. I think that this is probably why I have the same thoughts pretty often. I was the first one to find her body. I lost pretty much everything that year. I struggled with that for the next year and then things seemed to get better. I still had panic attacks and was sad, but it wasn’t as intense as it is now.
Honestly, I don’t have a good reason to be sad. I don’t have a good enough reason to kill myself, but I think about it every single day. I’ve had a therapist tell me that I torture myself, which is probably true, but how do I stop?
Thanks for reading.
2 comments
Hello, frozen9770, welcome to SP!
I am sorry that you are going through this, but you have to hold on and try to be strong, even tho that seems impossible. I am glad that you are not driving for a while, depression can lead us to very dangerous and bad things.
If the medicine is not working, maybe you should talk to your doctor and change it, so you can feel better!
I am sorry about your best friend, that must very hard, and I am also sorry about your breakup, maybe you could talk to him about your sadness, if he is an understanding person, of course.
I hope you feel better!!
Hi Amy. Thank you for your advice. I have tried to talk to my ex about my depression and everything but he does not believe depression is as real and serious as it is. I guess I thought he was lucky because he has never felt this way before, but he is just naive and doesn’t want to learn to understand it. I hope you feel better too.