I now look back and realize that I have been suffering from different degree’s of anxiety and depression over a number of years, from a number of triggers.
My story, I hope, will give people hope and let them live through my experience. I am a normal person and if anyone of my close friends or work colleagues were asked to describe me, I would certainly know they would say that I have a super positive attitude, have a great sense of humour, always happy and always willing to do anything for anybody.
A very normal happy person……..of which many look at me as a role model.
Having said all of that …….I made a suicide attempt, and am living to tell my story………
I am 34 and 4 months ago I left the house, went and bought lots of ‘over the counter’ drugs from a grocery store, along with some alcohol – all with the intension of killing myself, it was calculated. I drove my car to a remote spot and parked, drank an excessive amount of alcohol and consumed a large amount of the non prescription drugs.
I then made 3 telephone calls …… 2 to of my good friends and 1 to my boyfriend.
To my 2 friends I told them that I loved then and that I had to say good bye, I didn’t really give them the ability to enter into the conversation as I dominated it.
To my boyfriend I called and said that what I was about to do was not a reflection on him and that it was the only way I could cope with “things”, I wanted to let him know that I loved him and did not want him to feel responsible. I cannot remember the telephone call but apparently we were on the phone for 30 minutes. I would not give my location and I would not say what I had consumed, he tried every tactic he could to try to get information from me. I then ended the call.
As I ended the call my boyfriend did 2 things, 1, call the police and 2, call my parents to try and get information from me ASAP.
The police of course acted straight away, they came to the house and collected information, my car registration, my cell number and a photograph.
My parents were shocked to hear the shocking news but immediately tempered their feelings to try and get hold of me. Unfortunately the location where I was only has a 50/50 chance of getting a signal and therefore a combination of that and me being unconcious made it impossible for them to reach me.
An immediate police search was organized, I was found within the hour, by GPS on my cell phone (which is remarkable due to reception within that area). When I was found I had already stopped breathing. Skipping many of the details, I was taken to hospital where I was in the emergency room for around 6/7 hours before being able to be transferred to ICU. Within 24hrs I was taken off the ventilator to begin the journey ahead.
When I woke up it was frightening to have my arms held down by my boyfriend and a best friend, I was coming out of a sleep whereby I was still on a ventilator but on the final stages of coming off it, I was unable to move due to the pipe running down my throat. At that point I could only assume that that was my new physical state, though thankfully it was not.
The next few days was a massive journey of coming to terms with myself, and having to deal with all the situations that I would have to face. These included many evaluations, not being able to be left on my own and had to be supervised at all times. Many of the situations were humiliating as I was starting to feel physically better I just wanted to leave the hospital, but I couldn’t – there was stream of constant reminders of why I was in there. The care I got was amazing, but there was of course people that were simply curious “so why are things so bad ?, you have an amazing life, a great job, a flashy car etc”. There was lots of love and support, but was difficult to see family and friends for the first time, to see the reactions on their faces, also of staff at the hospital.
One things that hit home to me was that I really had been suffering from anxiety and depression and that I was not going to punish myself anymore than what I had been doing……I also realized that I was the only person that could have the ability to make change – though I certainly did not know how to.
The coming few days and weeks I had various physical and mental evaluations. The hardest part was talking to professionals about my thoughts, but I realized that I could only take one thing at a time and that I was not going to be ashamed or hide things.
Over the last few months I have started a remarkable journey of understanding myself better, understanding triggers that make me feel certain ways…..and coping mechanisms to get through. Of course, I am still going through my journey and it is not always easy, but with help I know things are going to be great.
I understand that life is always going to have it’s difficulties but I am now getting the tools to be able to equipped to deal with them. I am learning how to segment things, to process thoughts and behaviours and more than anything I am learning to be MYSELF.
I am learning how to process and think situations through differently.
I no longer have to busy all the time, I don’t have to feel selfish about doing things that make me happy.
I never really realized that I was depressed. I now realize that I was terribly frustrated with having feelings and thoughts…and actually, not having the ability to understand and process them, sounds simple !!!!, but it’s not. Of course there are situations in life that have forced this.
I am a normal person, I am a survivor !!!!, if I look back, I truly did feel that I wanted to end things, I made the calls so I suppose that was my cry for help (but I certainly didn’t make it easy).
I am learning to be honest to myself.
I know that my journey is ongoing, I have bad days – but that’s normal !!!!.
For anyone that is thinking about ending their life, just remember however lonely you think you are, you are not alone. Please don’t do it to yourself – you deserve more. You don’t have to apologize for anything.
I know it is not easy, I have been there ……. many people you talk to don’t always truly understand how you actually feel.
I would like to help people in the future who suffer, have suffered or is suffering from the sorts of feelings I have experienced.
Thank you for reading my story and hope it helps.