Confusing and frustrating days……….

OK, so I’ve been depressed and stuff. My other post was “Wishing, Waiting, Dieing………” . Anyway, if you’ve already read that. Then you’ll understand this one alot more (probably). So, I’ve been really confused these past few weeks (besides depressed, suicidal, ect). First, I’m a lesbian and I have a girlfriend. But I’m not sure if I wanna be in a relationship right now. Because, as you know, I’m suicidal and I’m afraid that I may do something stupid (if you know what I mean) and hurt her. And I don’t want to hurt her. Although I know she will be hurt if I let her go. But, me committing suicide isn’t the same as me breaking-up with her. So, I’m kinda confused on what I should. Also, she says she loves me. But I don’t believe her. I think that, even though she never lies, she really doesn’t love me. Maybe it’s my low self-esteem, low self-confidence, or depression. But I think that how could someone as beautiful as her fall in love with this horrible person I seem to be? So, I’m confused weather or not to break-up with her. I’m still thinking about that. Second, Equality & Justice Day {Lobby Day} is next Tuesday. If you’d read my last post. You would have found out that I’ve been out of school for 20-24 days this year. The guidance consular told me today that she doesn’t want me to go because I’ve missed to much school. I told my aunt what she’d said earlier today and she said to me “Hannah, you’ve had a hard year. I don’t think she really understands that. I think that Lobby Day is the right choice for you to make. Because, not only is it an once and a file time chance, but it’s also good for your education on the LGBT laws and good for your emotional progress as you start to come to the terms with the fact that your gay”. Ya, so my aunt is very supportive of me. But, when it comes to mental issues like depression and suicide, she’s not so much. But I’m not going to start ranting over her behavior. So, the actual issue is I either go to Lobby Day and miss school for 1, just 1 more day. Or I go to school and miss out on a once and a life time experience. My aunt thinks I should go. So, basically, I’m still deciding if I should go or not. So, those are the reasons for my confusion and frustration.