Im not depressed. I have the medications to thank for that, however what theyve done to me by no means deserves thanks. Oh sure, the severe BPDs gone but i didnt know i was trading it for absolutely nothing. They killed any small part of me that mightve passed as human; they hollowed me out. How am i supposed to live a life like this, a medically-made sociopath, where feeling is impossible and nothing will ever matter to me. I just dont care anymore, i cant. Everyday just seems more pointless then the last. The world around me is fading.
If i dont manage to kill myself, the lies will. Each day i wake up and put on a mask. I have to pass mself off as human in front of everybody; my parents, my friends, everyone that used to mean something to me. Id rather try and keep people fooled then have to deal with them finding out the person they knew isnt actually in here anymore, trying to “help”. Each fake smile, each laugh, is draining me. I just want to be left alone. Just lay in my bed until time does what it does to us insignificant bundles of cells.Â
But time takes too long.Â
Sometimes these bundles have to take things into their own hands.
1 comment
O sh*t, I think you are still depressed! Depression is not only the bad mood but also lack of pleasure – normal hedonia of everyday life, normal emotions – even bad ones etc. You are pretty right that medication can make you hollow, flat.
In BPD it is harder than in unipolar depression to find right medical “balance”. You should report it to your doctor.
Regarding mask – I feel for you very much – I went through this and from time to time I still do. When I told people what I felt during hollow times, they were either scared or distant (probably they could not understand it) and I felt very psychopathic also. But hey, you are not here for them! And some of them they will understand it and you would not need to wear a “mask”.
And that unpleasent state generaly – it can change to better, that is not mercyful lie – it is truth.
I repeat again, report your (no)feelings to doctor.
Hope you are going to be better soon, Hugo