I am so sorry to bring it up to many of you young people but unprovoked suicidal thoughts may never end. Regardless of medication, years of therapy, amazing experiences, and loving people, your mind may always haunt you.
I’m nearly 25 now and I’ve been dealing with a tortured mind for over a decade. I’ve always longed for suicide, but I knew the world had so much more to offer me. After graduating HS and college early I moved overseas. I felt each of those two major accomplishments should have made me happy; was I fucking wrong. After living in Australia for a year, less than 10 miles from the beach, my mind began to creep back up on me. From there I moved to Asia and made a pretty awesome life teaching for over a year. Now, I have a 4.0GPA and will graduate with my masters in December and my mind is shitty as usual. I have never been dumped or bullied; I’ve had more than enough great friends and girlfriends to keep my self satisfied, hell some of them have been amazing women but I always ended it. I made most of my moves in order to escape my mind, but it always finds me.
I am sorry for the younger people reading this, but your pain may never end.
Now, at my young age, I feel I’ve experienced so many amazing things that I can happily and rationally say I’ve had the best life I could have asked for. Nothing more could make it better. No future experience will help me escape myself. I truly have nothing more to live more, except for more amazing experiences (which don’t take the pain away) and YEARS of CRIPPLING thoughts. I am in no way saying I wish I had ended my life when the pain first began- I believe, if faced with those decisions, do your best to explore and experience life before making a decision. I’m so lucky to have learned so much, too bad nothing saved me from myself.
I am in no way looking for sympathy. I’ve had it all. I just hope other accomplished/educated/successful/brilliant people may agree or feel the same way. Regardless of the amazing accomplishments in life, the mind is too fucking powerful to ignore. None of the joy in the world is worth that little bit of agonizing pain from my mind.
Yes, I’m a bit drunk, but it made sense to me
4 comments
Hi there, your writing seems to me very clear and honest. And knowing you have reccurent depression – have you looked for treatment? It can really help.
Sometimes I think of the depression as being in fact two depressions
– the first biological one that causes depressed mood and anhedonia and the other is depressive reaction toward the first depression – something like when you suffered the life trauma and experience consequences of it.
So I find reasonable that treatment should be pills and also psychotherapy.
And I sure mind itself doesnt hurt – there are many accomplished/educated/successful/brilliant people who does not suffer from depression. I believe intelligence and education may bring some more of that secondary depression because of knowledge.
I wish you the best and wish you to just feel fine (and it is a lot, we know), Hugo
Hey,
I hear you. I’m even older than you (33) and have had a pleasant, trauma-free life, full of opportunities, did well in school and university, was always told I had so much “potential” (a word I have grown to loathe, as I piss it all away), and yet, I’ve never been satisfied with life. Or rather, I’ve never been able to get any joy from it. I used to think I just needed to find my ‘direction’, you know, career, passion, whatever. Nothing seemed to stick. Like you, I went overseas to teach, but I soon found, after 5 years of picking up and moving every few months, that a change of scene does nothing for what’s going on in your own head. Depression is one thing–as a teenager and young adult I went the doctor and anti-depressant route, but I found that the problem isn’t a ‘chemical imbalance’, it’s just who I am. I was born with this chronic self-loathing and an inability to experience joy in this life that seems to be so full of it, for other people. It’s something no one and nothing can change for me. I spend a lot of time thinking about dying, but I always come back to the ‘why?’ I can’t find a reason to die, but at the same time I can’t find a reason to live, and that’s the situation. So, here I sit, potential all but unfulfilled, looking for reasons, but coming up short, but still I go to bed every night and wake up every morning and that’s how life passes. And if it’s anything like that for you, then I wish you the best of luck, as it doesn’t seem to get any easier as the years go by.
Hi Susan, I think you stick too much to one part – self-loath – one part is loathing over another, you see, it is not all you. So do not identify with one part. It is not “who you are”. And about “imbalance” – that is metaphor, but part of depression is anhedonia, it can be subtle and yet chronic.
But it is sad to hear from you about your trauma-free life – I thought only people who experienced major loss of some kind suffer from shaken sense of what is meaningful and fine enough to live for. I see now it is not the case.
Maybe the unfullfiled ambitions and the potential that can be fulfiled – that is the loss. I just let my thoughts run.
Wish you the best. Simple fullfiling pleasures.
Hugo
I agree you cant out run it. I have tried that. Even last week again I try to out run it. And the week before that. 🙁 I even come home to seek help. Cant seem to do that either 🙁