I’m not even sure what to write here, but I guess I’ll start with why I feel like killing myself. I have a sister and parents and you’d think we were a normal family. Instead, I hate my parents so much. I love my sister but she doesn’t love me. I love her so much and above all that makes me want to die, knowing she doesn’t love me. When she was 12 our father sexually molested her. I don’t know what happened; I don’t really know anything. This went on until she was 15 and a family friend found out, and put a stop to it. My mother never did anything about it. The family friend’s family knew about it, my mother then knew, but it was decided that I shouldn’t know: so that I could grow up with a father. But I did find out (one of the family members told me), and I became really afraid. I wanted so badly to comfort my sister, to ask her if it was true; I didn’t want to believe it. But everything seemed so normal. There was no hint at all that it had happened. So I tried to forget about what I was told, not believing it. It hung over my head, always in the background, for 5+ years. But then a year ago my sister told me (complicated story, but that’s what happened) and I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to kill my father so much. I hate him! This on top of everything else he’s done to me and her! I hate my mother, too, for never protecting us and even when she knew what he’d done she stayed with him. I still can’t believe it, and I don’t know what to do, don’t know how to deal with this. I love my sister so much and I remember when we were so close, but my father took that away. Without getting into details, I still live with my parents, and I know for a fact that their toxic influence is what makes me want to die so badly.
They never loved me. They always thought I was weird and cold. They never even tried to understand me. I am a loner by nature but that doesn’t mean I don’t care or have feelings or don’t want relationships. I prefer close, few relationships, and am content by myself for long stretches of time. Instead they call me a bat, or a mole, and my father even called me mechanical. When I’m in pain they say it’s normal and to get over it (talking about physical pain here) and don’t offer support when I’m upset. If I came home from school (which I hated) and said I had a bad day I’d get yelled at. My mother would yell at us all the time when we were younger. My father always let her yell at us.
I don’t know, it would take me forever to write what they’ve done to me and my sister. Basically I wish they would die, I wish it wasn’t this way, or I wish I was dead. It hurts me so much that my sister never trusted in me, or confided in me, or sought help from me. I would die for her, and she just abandoned me and spiraled out of control by herself.
If I had someone that cared about me for me, I would be so happy. That would be enough to make me keep trying my hardest to live my life the best. But instead all my friends couldn’t care less about me (and I suspect secretly dislike me, but keep me around so they aren’t alone), my sister probably secretly hates me for not suffering what she’s suffered, and my parents probably wish I was never born or that they’d had a different child.
Right when I started to feel close to my sister again she instead hangs out with her new boyfriend all the time. Further proving she doesn’t care about me at all. I have no support at all but myself. If I was a weaker person I would already be dead. I have lived most of my life without love or help, and yet I keep living and doing what I need to. I am losing my grasp though. I can hardly focus enough to go to work and school. I’m trying to graduate and get a good job so I can move out. But then what? What does it matter? No one loves me, and no one ever can because I’m a freak. I wish I could be like other people, but I’m not, and I can’t ever be happy.
I just want one person. Just one, to love me. But I know I’ll never have that. It makes me want to die so bad. Obviously I love living, otherwise I would just kill myself and be done with it. Despite everything, I want to try to find some semblance of happiness. But it’s getting harder every minute of every day.
This is by far not my whole story, but it would take awhile to tell it all. I just wish that death wasn’t the only answer. I want to stop thinking, stop remembering, stop hating, stop loving, just stop feeling.
8 comments
Wow that’s gotta suck for you to love your sister and her not telling youa bout it. What i think you should do is to just screw everyone and realize that it doesn’t really matter whether they care for you or not. If you tell yourself you don’t need anyone’s approval enough, you’ll eventually believe it. Soon you’ll find yourself alone for longer stretches of time and you’ll enjoy it more than you ever do when your with people. But that will also make you quite a loner. However there’s a good chance that you’ll be come a cooler person that way because that’s just how life works. If you want something you don’t get it. Hilarious in a way.
Talk to your sister. Tell her all these feelings that you poured out to us here. Death isn’t the only answer. Try to see it from your sister’s perspective: sexual abuse is a terrible thing, and can often make the victim feel ashamed and powerless. That she didn’t tell you doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, because there are so many reasons why someone would keep it to themselves.
“But instead all my friends couldn’t care less about me (and I suspect secretly dislike me, but keep me around so they aren’t alone), my sister probably secretly hates me for not suffering what she’s suffered, and my parents probably wish I was never born or that they’d had a different child.”
Ditch those friends if they really don’t care about you. But ask yourself first how you can be so sure of everyone’s feelings. You use the words ‘suspect’ and ‘probably’, but unless you really distance yourself and take a good look at your relationships, you can’t be sure. You may find that there are still people out there who love you and support you.
Even if you’re ‘weird,’ or an outcast, you’re not alone. You won’t be able to experience happiness if you don’t put yourself out there. Find people, make new friends. You won’t be alone.
I know that you think being ‘weird’ is automatically a bad thing but if being eccentric and strange is part of who you are you shouldnt stifle it for the masses. Personally, i only bother developing relationships with strange people. Normal people bore the hell out of me. There are people out there that will appreciate, admire, and love who you really are.
I understand and I’m that one person that will love u. I promise I’m here do help confide in me I wanna help u plz don’t leave stay in this world something good will happen I promise.
Have faith. You will eentually find someone truly specoal that makes it all worth while, if you end your life youll never be able to experience that love. And really, if you did commit suicide, i feel sorry for you, because youll never fell it. Love. Because its really and trully great. Ugh sometimes words fail, i cant begin to express how love feels. But its wonderful and you have to stay in this world if you want to experience it.
Thanks for the replies. I’ve been looking around at all the amazing (and sometimes horrifying) entries on here, but I want to take this time to reply to your comments.
philip: I’ve tried this. In fact, most of the time I’m perfectly happy being alone. I still need that human love though–feelings of being appreciated, of gratefulness, of admiration. I just can’t escape it. It could be hormones or some instinct kicking in, but occasionally the need drives me crazy. Paired with depression it’s a rather…agonizing experience. I wish it was as you said–that I could make myself not care. But I don’t get to pick and choose my emotions. Thanks for the comment though!
Anonymous: Thanks for all the advice! I wish I could tell my sister… In fact I’ve been waiting for months for a good chance to do so. But she’s going through a heavy time in her life–in fact, her life is always hectic and stressful–and I really don’t want to burden her or remind her of her past. I really need to confess, for myself, but I can’t stand the thought of hurting her. As for my friends, most people today are shallow and selfish–not many are willing to take a good long look in the mirror or think too hard on things past their everyday experience. I’ve tried opening up in small ways but that just gets me hurt in the end. I hope to one day find someone who accepts me for me and who LIKES me, and you’re right I have to meet that person, but I have no idea how to.
brokeninside: I do enjoy, in a sort of way, being different and eccentric. I too like the oddball and wacky character. Normal people bore me too. It’s just that I have never met someone like me, or someone who accepts me anyway. It’s a really bad feeling, because I understand and love (various types of love) them for who they are. I wouldn’t change any of my friends for the world, but at the same time it hurts when they don’t invite me along, or something like that. I guess I need to meet more crazy people 🙂
emogirl: You made me cry. Lol. I’m not sure how you could say this, but I appreciate the gesture of it. You don’t comprehend what you’d be walking into though…
brooke: I really hope so (meeting someone). I really highly doubt it too. I’m not lovable. I feel I will always have to suffer through unrequited love. Sometimes I feel like I could just die happy if I had one kiss from a mutual love, even if I never had another. I’ve heard so many great things about romantic love, and if my love for my sister is any indication about love in general, everything I’ve heard is probably true (intense, pleasurable, etc). Suffice to say I know, but knowing that I’m deprived of that is what makes me suicidal the most.
Wow… Didn’t expect to give such detailed responses but there you go. If someone wants to email me (without EXPECTING a reply) email me at mechanical.bunny@yahoo.com. Thanks again everyone 🙂
To alone…
First of all the more you “hate” your mother and father, the further they victimize you. You need to start worrying about the people that do love you, forget all those people that do not deserve your love anyway, its not worth it! Believe me, I too have been thru worlds of pain and crap! There are times in my life that I have felt the very same way you have, I still even do sometimes, yet some little piece of me says, everyone has messed me up in my life and so far feels they have won…well guess what I am going to show them no matter how much crap, or how little love they give me I am going to care enough about myself to stick around and make my life better with or without them.
Have you ever sat down and just talked to your mother about how the result of her negligence in regards to you and your sister has effected your lives? Maybe your mother was a victim of molestation as well and just feels so numb and guilty herself that she just does not know how to talk to you or deal with the guilt she has for knowingly letting you girls go thru what you did…maybe your father threated or victimized her as well.
You need to just pull yourself up and worry about you now, and your sister if she is willing to let you in and if not…forget about them and get on with repairing your own life and self esteem!
I was not only rejected by my birthmother once, but twice, I have 2 half sisters and a half brother that could not give a damn about me, I never met my birthfather and my adoptive parents, although raised me fairly well, were alcoholics and my mother was emotionally abusive and every friend I have ever had has broken my heart…I am now alone, my kids grown and have grandkids that thankfully can put a smile on my face to sometimes mask my pain, but I will be damned if the people that hurt me will ever put me thru that again! I took control of my life and I would rather be alone than someone elses victim! I have not even written here half of the horrible things I have been thru in my life because it would take up to much space, just know that your not alone and the only person that can help you thru this is you! God Bless and I will say a prayer for you…do not let anymore people get you down, its not worth it!
i feel so alone all the time.people are mean to me sometimes.i never really get a boyfriend.im home alot on weekdays on the computer.
my mom is a single parent and barely makes enough money to support me and my brother.i have some close friends.school is a fear for me.
i worry about alot of things like my mom and brother and the future.
i feel so alone….