I’m the last person anyone would think to be like this. People think I’m everyone’s weird, wild, funny friend…and that’s what hurts the most. And it’s so hard to tell someone you’re depressed. I told some of my friends and they thought I was crazy or stupid. I remember getting really, really hurt by what someone said to me… Try being depressed when you start at the age of eleven.
There used to be a feeling that I could not describe, but it happened to me daily. It wasn’t normal, I knew that. I don’t know, it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. And everytime I breathed out everything hurt more.
At school, some people would wonder why I rushed to the bathroom to (almost) throw up. It was hard to find someone to relate to. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either.
So my whole life I’ve just been making up stories. The main point of them was ‘What if…?’ Stories that could make me forget about my surroundings as I made it up. I always tried to write them down, but the words didn’t seem to capture what I felt.
Suicide seemed distant in my mind. On my first attempt, I truly didn’t know I was killing myself. My second time wasn’t even anything, just something to remind me that I was alive. Currently, I’m afraid of what will happen next. I want to ask for help. What will they say?
“Hey… just letting you know… I think I’m depressed.”
“That just means your selfish.”
And that’s pretty much how the conversation goes in my mind.
I just want to get better. That’s all. I’m starting to stop eating. Stop smiling. Stop sleeping. It won’t be long until someone can’t find out if I’m dead or not.
Help.
7 comments
hey, its ok and dont listen to people who say “your selfish” thats stupid. you dont CHOOSE to be like this. best way to do it is if you have an older sibling TELL THEM. they can help you figure out the right thing to say to your parents. if you dont, then go to whichever parent figure you trust more and make sure there in a good mood. just say “dad (or mom)? Latly…latly ive been feeling really bad. i think im depressed.” say it outright and bluntly but completly serious and at a time where you can talk. ive gotten help, and im on meds and i feel better recently. also, try and find a friend you really trust. if you want someone to talk to comment back and ill give you my email. itll be ok.
Hi, i told a friend last night i was going to go see a doctor this week and she thought I joking and said there is no way a doc would take me seriously and put me on meds because I wasnt depressed. LOL. Most of every one else I know would say the same thing. It doesnt mean its not painfully real just well disguised.
Yes, you should go to the doctor and say you think that you are depressed. That is exactly what you should do. If being “selfish” saves your life, then so be it.
You are not selfish, you are trying to care of you, and if people are calling you selfish, they are naive or stupid. I know how you feel, the whole breathing thing, its probably a panic attack, from your body not being able to handle what’s being thrown at it. If it helps I started at 12, that was a few years ago, but still I know it hurt, your friends see you as one thing they don’t get it when you try showing the other side of you, and believe me I know that pain. I know you probably don’t want advice, but i’ll give it to you anyway, take it slow with your friends, they probably have no idea what’s happening and are a little shell shocked themselves. I have dealt with depression for almost 4 years now, it is really tough, and I am finally trying to get real help, doctors can help, but the healing largely happens within you.
good luck, if you ever need to talk email me at handy665@aol.com
helper
Hi, well i know i can’t say ‘i know how you feel’ because everyone is different, so no one feels the same way. But at least i maybe able to give you a little help, hopefully.
When i was at school i just couldn’t fit in, and maybe that’s the reason why i’m depressed, or maybe it’s the other way around. But it was really difficult because i didn’t get on well with my friends, they didn’t understand me. And my parents never knew who i really was, they just pretended that i was there perfect girl that they always wanted. I’ve always got they feeling that they just won’t accepted that i’m depressed. Well, going back to the story, i was really excluded out of everything, at class i was the most quitest, at home i always was shut in my room (didn’t even bother to go to get food and drink), i had no one so i just made up stories in my head, i was living in another world (and actually still am) with imaginary people that always understood me.
But then when i tryed to kill myself, my parents started to help, it wasn’t much but it was good enough to make me feel better and loved. So, then life went a bit better, i was able to leave them friends of mine, and now a have a best friend that i tell everything, the dreams i have with the boy i like, the times a cut myself, what i feel sometimes when i just want to die, etc. I count on her a lot, and even though she doesn’t know how i feel really, it is a big help to have her.
So, maybe having a really best friend may not help you, but try to find someone, to count on, and maybe after you’ll be able to tell your parents, somehow.
ok, thats really weird. that literally is what i have been doing. i went to the doctor and he put me on sertraline, which i havnt taken yet. i’m a little scared. but anyway, the whole making up stories thing, thats exactly what i do. it got to the stage where at one point i wouldnt leave the house unless i had gone through what i was going to do when i left.
but, i dont really know what to say, i mean – i live in the UK, and i dont know if you’re from the usa, or whatever. but i was actually quite shocked when i found out how closley that reminds me of myself!!
i’ve actually stoped eating myself aswell, but i’m afraid that that was my own choice to do so … thats a long story.
if you wnat to talk, i’ll gladly give you my adress. good luck.
i can really relate to two parts of your story specifically… stuff i havent really been able to put into words. the pain when you breathe out, i know exactly what you mean by that. i get that too, this pressure in the middle of my chest, like something is pushing down on it really hard. the other part i have to thank you for reminding me of, i havent ever told anyone about this but i also used to run scenarios through my head, imagine these nasty things happening to me. ive always been ashamed of it, because i figured people would think im a freak for imagining bad things happening to myself. idk why, just thought i should put that out there… i agree with lillie though, nobody chooses to feel depressed… its not being selfish its just being a little different. im a lot different, and im proud of it. tell someone. you could email your post here to someone, let them see it. my email is murtaugh3@gmail.com if you need someone to help you with that.