this evening i randomly got in the worst mood ever. i became dangerously violent and angry, and i was so close to ending it. i sat up in my room for a good hour or 2 sobbing my eyes out, basically letting out 10 years of anger. between being used as a dishrag in my what used to be best friend’s life, and from being pushed down by my family. this isn’t the first time that i’ve randomly became depressed, but this is the first time it’s ever been like this. i can’t even explain to you how i felt. and i can promise you that if i had a gun, i would shoot something or even worse- myself. i guess that i finally let loose all of my built up anger, and it turned into something worse. and i say worse, because i was taking the anger out on myself. i’ve been clean from cutting for a while now, and right at that moment i was ready to kill the hell out of my arms. and all night i’ve thought i’m just a pathetic little girl, and just am having a little episode. but i still find that it’s much more than that.. much much more. this is the first time i’ve ever been this close to making the final cut. and i honestly have never been so scared in my life. i just needed your opinions on this.. and possibly some advice.
thanks, morgan.
6 comments
oh, Morgan, don’t give in just yet. Ohhhh, shit. How I’ve been where you are and might even find myself there again sometime. It’s a good thing you’ve come here. Please don’t leave! Please! Give it “five.” Keep listening. I’m “ready to go!” I quit “cutting,” but have the scars to prove the pain. I even took a picture of my bleeding feet (the last time) and just looking at it makes my heart pound. I knew cutting myself was not the route to take — sure feels good though, doesn’t it — seeing the pain pour out — but, THAT IS NOT THE WAY – and it can be very dangerous because you do not really want to die. I know, I know. Keep in touch with this site. Stay alive. You are, you really, really are worth saving.
Anger sounds good. Always found it helped to take it out on something.
My advice? Kick in a door, or a light wall. You’d be surprised how easy they are to break, and how satisfying it feels, just be careful of your foot.
But seriously, I think you’re like me that way.. you let things build up for so long, sometimes not even knowing they’re being built up.. then suddenly it becomes overwhelming and you need to take it out.
You’re far from a pathetic little girl.. don’t worry about that. It’s easy to get frustrated at life sometimes, I don’t know what’s making you feel that way, but I’m willing to listen, and trust me, that would be the last thing I thought of you.
I read once that it’s more about how a problem effects someone, more than the problem itself. Problems that might have in reality been small have affected me in big ways before, just as I’ve sometimes wondered how someone could be upset at what seem to be such a small thing. But you never need to think that you’re unjustified in how you feel. And if you don’t have anyone who’ll listen, I’ll be here. As will others on this site, I’m sure.
You can find me at jon_vickers_@hotmail.com, if you want to talk, anytime. Just send a message.
For now, if you’re tired, rest up, alright?
And if not, I’ll be around.
Take care for now,
Jon
I agree about turning the anger outward – keep it pointing away from you! But it sounds like you already know this.
I know what it feels like to feel powerless in a relationship with a family member or friend, like the relationship is just unfair and they take advantage of you all the time. I don’t know what to say about that except that it sucks, and in a dog-eat-dog world it seems to be the basic mindset. If you’re not big enough and/or mean enough to kick other people around, you’re expected to just sit there and take it. Sometimes I think it all comes down to the ability to inflict physical violence – even just the threat of it is enough, even if the bigger person never actually hits the smaller (or weaker) person.
I’ve thought about taking a martial arts class, although that doesn’t really seem to be the point. It seems to be about being the last one in the chain of ‘kicking the little guy’. The one who always gets the raw deal, the short end of the stick, gets treated like nothing and nobody.
Anyway, that was a bit of a rant of my own – I don’t know if that’s how it is for you (like what I described above), but the anger is good.
I agree with the above commenter that if you can find a way to really physically let the anger out, that would be good. I’ve never been comfortable with breaking things, but I roar and growl and throw something like an old phone book at the wall as hard as I can. Or if you had someplace you could throw empty jars or something and scream and yell and hear them shatter, there’s something about breaking things (things that you aren’t going to regret later) that is incredibly satisfying.
It sounds like you need to get away from your family and this ‘friend’ who has let you down so bad. Is there anywhere you can go to stay with someone who might ‘get’ you a little better, like a relative or something? I know the answer to that is often ‘no’ – I don’t really have anything like that myself.
And one other thing, I don’t know if you have this experience, but often times women get more flack for being angry than men do. There’s the cultural expectation of women being all ‘sugar and spice and everything nice’, and even though it may seem like just a saying, just notice how much anger and violence guys can get away with on an everyday basis, while women are expected to just smile and suck it up. GRRRRR.
Anyway. I don’t know if any of that helps, but I say, BE ANGRY. Rage. Tell people what you’re pissed about, and keep talking about it until somebody listens. Easier said than done, I know. Also, people tend to listen better to anger if you don’t attack them personally, but just make it really clear how it makes you feel and that you won’t put up with them treating you that way.
anger can be very discerning emotion. iknow becuase i have alot of it myself. but you have to realize that no matter how much you hate somebody, you’re only hurting yourself. stay strong
Sincerely
Peaches
Anger is noy good ,but its human nature .Anger take a lot out of a person it is not healthy ,trust me and it make u do crazy things u will regret ;but its hard i know not to get angry ,but it can be challenging ,igess i spelled that right LOL.
I loged on too this website cause i was feeling bad i than cried all most every day and nite of this year and it gets tirisome true u wonder when will alll end ,but i also realized i have the power to do and i have so much to live for and i hope u realize that also .