As some of you may know, I was raped and abused by my cousin. I hate the fact that my family still has us see each other. And, I always have to choose between:
A: Not going to where ever we’re going as a family and miss out. Which also means not seeing my younger brother or my aunt.
B: Going, and be an anxious freak the whole time. End up crying afterward. And have a huge fear for days of him hurting me again.
I don’t think it’s fair that I have to choose. Like last Saturday, my aunt and I were supposed to go to my other aunts house for a family renioun. But, since my cousin was there, I refused to go. I hate not going. But I hate being around him even more. I hate him. I know that’s harsh, but I do. I loved him (as a cousin). I trusted him. And he betrayed my trust……….and me. I’ve never hated someone. I’ve disliked people, but never hated. He will probably be the only person I’ll ever hate. I know that Jesus and God want me to forgive him. But I don’t think I can. I’m not completely sure if I want too. I know that forgiving someone is the best thing you can do. But I don’t think, at this point, that I can. It’s scary. I remember not to long ago when my aunt asked me if I wanted to sit down with her, him, my other aunt, and myself to talk about it. I said yes. Even though now I’m not so sure. And my other aunt said no. My other aunt is that kind of person who doesn’t want to talk about things that aren’t in her “circle”. You know what I mean? So, she said no. My cousin said no. So, we never did talk about it. I’m kinda glad we didn’t though. I’m not so sure why. And what bothers me the most is that my cousin didn’t admitt what he’d done, or so I’ve been told. He knows what he did was wrong, but he doesn’t care. And, since he told me not to tell anyone, I’m always afraid, that since I did, that he will hurt me again. I’m so angry with him. And, last saturday (like I told you), I didn’t go. And, since we went camping and my cousin didn’t come, my other aunt had to tell my little brother why he wasn’t coming. She didn’t tell him the whole story, just enough to make him understand. I’m kinda mad she didn’t tell me she was going to tell him. Because out of the blue I got a text message from my little brother asking me if I’ve ever kissed (insert cousins name here). Well, in reality, he kissed me. But anyways, since I didn’t go, I feel that my little brother hates me. And I feel that my little brother doesn’t think the same way of me before he knew as he does now. I also feel (and I’m probably right) that my cousin hates my guts for not only telling, as I’ve explained, but not having him be allowed to go to camp. So, that just bothers me more. Because, since he hates me, he’ll most likely “strike” again. It feels horrible when you live your life in fear.
10 comments
Sorry ,if I was ranting or babbling. I just had to get that off my chest.
It isn’t fair that you have to choose. It sounds like your cousin is just going to keep hassling you as long as he can get away with it and suffer no consequences. Although not getting to go camping with your family sounds like it made him pretty upset. But then it could just get worse, like you say.
I would tell your aunt that you’re afraid he’s going to take it out on you, and that you don’t want to be around him unless she’s going to stick up for you and keep an eye on him. You need an adult on your side to *protect* you from this guy. They can’t expect you to do it yourself – or, if they expect you to just protect yourself, then they’d better send you to martial arts lessons so you can beat the crap out of him if he messes with you again. Seriously.
As far as forgiveness, you should never forgive somebody until they’re actually sorry they did it. Because otherwise they’ll just do it again. The fact that the other aunt and your cousin didn’t want to talk about it means they think he should just get away with it, they don’t care how it hurts you. People like this do not deserve a second chance. You just have to write them out of your life. If they want to be friends with you again, then *they* have to apologize and say they’re sorry. They have to be *truly* sorry, as in actually feeling bad about it. You’ll know whether they’re telling the truth or not. And then they have to make it up to you, and promise not to do it again. Otherwise you can’t ever trust them.
I think you should try to talk to your aunt about telling your brother without asking you first. Just tell her, calmly if you can, without attacking or accusing her, that you wish she would have asked you first. Then explain why, explain how it makes you feel, and tell her how it feels like now both your brother and your cousin are kind of against you. To me it sounds almost like boys against girls – like your brother is siding with your cousin because he’s a boy or something.
It *is* scary, because boys like your cousin can grow up to be horrible people who think they can get away with anything. Especially guys, if they grow up to be really strong, and can literally throw their weight around.
If I were you I would call the local abuse hotline and find out how to get your cousin reported to the police without getting yourself in danger from him. If you can get your aunt to sign a piece of paper that says she knows about the abuse and will testify to it, then you have some kind of evidence against him in case things get worse.
I know that nobody wants to go to these lengths against their own family, but that’s what keeps them from getting caught – they know they can get away with it because they’re ‘family’.
Well, in my opinion people who treat you like this don’t *deserve* to be part of your family. You owe them nothing and should do whatever you have to to be *safe*. That should be your first priority, and your aunt’s as well. Your aunt may truly not understand how scared you are, or how bad your cousin makes you feel.
I seriously hope you will call the abuse hotline. I think they can help you figure out ways to deal with your cousin to keep him off you. Or, I *hope* they can.
Call the local abuse hotline, for your own protection, and in the order of revealing how disgusting that you’ve felt. By doing this, you earn the respect of yourself and the understanding of your family. Otherwise, you will live your entire life as if the slut.
oh hell, don’t let him get to you. Your family is soo unsupporting it is revolting. No one understands. Your cousin doesn’t deserve forgiveness. He did not even acknoledge his wrongdoing. Be strong. You can get through this. And try to forget. Painful things…the only way to get through it is by forgetting/forgiving/making is seem not such a big deal. I would go with forgetting. good luck honey.
oh and in time your brother will understand what you went through and is going through and if he is mad at u. he will forgive. Just make sure to face him and tell him when he’s ready. He may not take in what you have told him but he does that, it means he’s chosen to not understnad… reality is harsh isn’t it??
Oh, honey, I know so well what you’re going through. My cousin sexually abused me throughout my childhood… I never said anything from shame and the fear that it would tear apart my large, tight-knit family. So my parents don’t know. Which makes it all the more difficult when the family gets together and I have to lie again and again that I’m shaking from the cold or that I’m nervous because I slept poorly.
I hate it utterly. I can’t even imagine what it would be like if my parents knew and still made no move. Get yourself out of these, love, or report the abuse to the police. I know it feels so disgusting, hopeless, shameful… but your family’s opinion can go straight to Hell. What matters is you, and getting on top of this fear. You do whatever you have to. <3
everwaiting, I’m curious, how can you give advice to somebody to do something that you yourself are not able or willing to do? I don’t mean to be critical, I’m just wondering, if *you* can’t do it, how can you expect somebody else to?
I guess my real question is, what’s stopping *you* from calling an abuse hotline? Why do you stay with your family if it’s so bad?
I’m not questioning your judgment, I really want to know. Because the self-help books and the shrinks make it sound so easy to ‘just leave’, but really, it’s not. The reason we don’t leave our families even when they treat us badly is that we *need* other people, and it’s not so easy to replace an entire family! I know what I’m talking about, because I’m going through that exact process right now – I’ve stopped seeing all of my family for about 6 months now. I’m at the point where I’m beginning to forget that I even *have* a family, and I’m blocking a lot of other stuff out.
Do I think this is the best way? I don’t know – I only know that I feel a whole hell of a lot less suicidal when I stay away from them. That’s all I can say.
I think sometimes we give advice to others that we don’t follow ourselves. Probably me included.
@pullingtheplug: My cousin frequently sexually abused me, he did not rape me. For as appalling as it was, my situation does not compare to hers. Her situation is infinitely more dire and, as such, requires more dire action.
Thanks for your support and advise, guys. But what happened to me with my cousin has already been reported to the police, but it never reached court. I’m not completely sure why. But, quite frankly, I really never wanted it to go to court because then I’d have to explain what happened for a 10th time. And, my cousin isn’t hurting me now. I don’t even live with him. Never have…………..and never will. But I always fear that he will again…………when he gets the chance.
Heyy relax when he’s not around and chill out. But, I have a hunch he won’t touch you becuase he knows you won’t hesitate calling the police on him.