As some of you may know, I was rapedÂ and abusedÂ by my cousin. I hate the fact that my family still has us see each other. And, I always have to choose between:
A: Not going to where ever we’re going as a family and miss out. Which also means not seeing my younger brother or my aunt.
B: Going, and be an anxious freak the whole time. End up crying afterward. And have a huge fear for days of him hurting me again.
I don’t think it’s fair that I have to choose. Like last Saturday, my aunt and I were supposed to go to my other aunts house for a family renioun. But, since my cousin was there, I refused to go. I hate not going. But I hate being aroundÂ himÂ even more. I hate him. I know that’s harsh, but I do. I loved him (as a cousin). I trusted him.Â AndÂ he betrayed my trust……….and me. I’ve never hated someone. I’ve disliked people, but never hated. He will probably be the only person I’ll ever hate. I know that Jesus and God want me to forgive him. But I don’t think I can.Â I’m not completely sure if I want too. I know that forgiving someone is the best thing you can do. But I don’t think, at this point,Â that I can. It’s scary. I remember not to long ago when my aunt asked me if I wanted to sit down with her, him, my other aunt, and myself to talk about it. I said yes. Even though now I’m not so sure. And my other aunt said no. My other aunt is that kind of person who doesn’t want to talk about things that aren’t inÂ her “circle”. You know what I mean? So, she said no. My cousin said no.Â So, we never did talk about it. I’m kinda glad we didn’t though. I’m not so sure why. And what bothers me the most is that my cousin didn’tÂ admitt what he’d done, or so I’ve been told. He knows what he did was wrong, but he doesn’t care. And, since he told me not to tell anyone, I’m always afraid, that since I did, that heÂ will hurt me again. I’m so angry with him. And, last saturday (like I told you), I didn’t go. And, since we went camping and my cousin didn’t come, my other aunt had to tell my little brother why he wasn’tÂ coming. She didn’t tell him the whole story, just enough to make him understand. I’m kinda mad she didn’t tell me she was going to tell him. Because out of the blue I got a text message from my little brother asking me if I’ve everÂ kissedÂ (insert cousinsÂ name here). Well, in reality, he kissed me. But anyways, since I didn’t go, IÂ feelÂ that my little brother hates me. And IÂ feel that my little brother doesn’t think the same way of me before he knewÂ as he doesÂ now. I also feel (and I’m probably right) thatÂ my cousin hates my guts for not only telling, as I’ve explained, but not having him be allowed to go to camp. So, that just bothers me more. Because, since he hates me,Â he’ll most likely “strike”Â again. It feels horrible when youÂ liveÂ your life in fear.