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i have to do it

by CJ

I’m so very sorry. I’ve made a permanent decision that in 2 months, I will definitely kill myself.

Please, don’t try to change my mind. I’ve made it up, and you all shouldn’t waste your energy on filth like me.

I’ve been living in a fantasy world for years now, and the wall separating my fantasy world from the reality I’ve never wanted to face has finally come down. I’ve truly seen how horrible of a human being I am now, and it has become intolerable.

I don’t blame the world, or even my surroundings. I blame me for being a selfish, stupid and ungrateful person.

Though this may seem wildly hypocritical, I must advise that no one else make as rash decision as I am making.  (I apologize, for you must fancy me an idiot for suggetsting such a remark considering my current situation.) I will try to post on this site up until then, though it won’t be as frequent.

I wanted to wait two months to take my life because that is when my garden blooms. I want to leave at least one thing positive behind, rather than the 15 years of shit people around me have had to put up with.

I love you all.

With love,

Cassidy

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9 comments

James 7/27/2009 - 1:19 pm

Good luck…

Jon 7/27/2009 - 1:30 pm

Cassidy, I’ve wondered from the first time you wrote, why you think you are this person… selfish, stupid, ungrateful, an idiot, filth.

Because I just don’t see it. Honestly, I would tell you if I did, but it couldn’t be further from my mind.

Every time I read one of your messages, I see you as intelligent, thoughtful, certainly humble, and most importantly… an incredibly loving person.

Can you tell me what I’m not seeing?

And what’s wrong with fantasy? Most of my life is fantasy, personally, more than 50%. I live in my own world, in my books, music, in my thoughts. Distancing myself from reality is what’s kept me alive thus far in my life.

I like your idea, of the garden.. what’s it like, in bloom?

Peaches 7/27/2009 - 1:49 pm

thank you jon, really, thanks.
what you’re not seeing…. is a real person. i think im giving myself too much credit here as is. i think if you were to meet me in person you wouldn’t think so highly of me.
fantasy is wonderful, but its downright devastating when its destroyed. mine was.

and in my garden im growing jasmine (‘jasmine’ is my midde name). my entire backyard will be engrossed in it in two months.

Thank you for your comment, and stay strong

With love,
Cassidy

Jon 7/27/2009 - 2:17 pm

This is the real you.. surely.. is it not? Isn’t that the reason why we write, because it removes all the barriers of communication. It’s just brain, to fingers, to text, to eyes. No complications.

I can’t think how Cass. I don’t know if there’s anything that could ever make me think of you as anything like that.

As long as you’re still able to think, you’ll always have fantasy, if you need it. As long as you have an imagation, or as lon as you can read a book, even watch a movie. Sometimes people wake you up. But they’re in the wrong for doing it… their world is horrible. Is it so bad to make your own?

White jasmines are beautiful.. especially with so many, I can picture it. I think that will be amazing.

Jon 7/27/2009 - 2:19 pm

Hope to hear from you soon.

Sorry I haven’t been around much, if you’ve made any messages. The site, and you, have been on my mind though.

Love,
Jon

Christine Bellerose 7/27/2009 - 2:25 pm

Cassidy
why go so soon!
I dare you to grow orchids. I like to spray water on their roots and bath them pooring water in a ceramic bowl I keep their little pot in. Also, I realized they like to be close to the window because, and it works especially well in the winter, they seem to like drastic temperature change.

Having a goal helped me pull through. Mine was simple: make a phone call the following Tuesday ( I had planned my suicide for Sunday). The Tuesday phone appointment helped me through my fixation (the Sunday). Tuesday become more important than Sunday.

The thing is, your garden will bloom every year because you are there to take care of it. That is worth a lot.

🙂
Christine

Peaches 7/27/2009 - 4:32 pm

thank you all for your comments – especially Jon. i didn’t want anyone one to convince me otherwise because im a very gullible person. so all the wonderful comments have left me… confused. thank you so very much.
Love you all,
Cassidy

lola 7/27/2009 - 11:22 pm

omg dont do it!! =[

wooliebear 7/29/2009 - 7:06 pm

I’m not going to tell you to not do it especially when you asked us not to tell you not to. I am just going to be sad that another person died too early on this earth that I didn’t get to meet or talk to, not even much on here. I’m new to this site and I love meeting new people so as long as your here on this earth, feel free to talk to me. With all my love, Wooliebear

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