Sometimes I wish I’d just die already. I wish that I’d drowned when I was 2, or hit my head on the concrete as an infant like I almost did, but the universe is dead set on watching me suffer. I’ve tried so many different things to try and make it all go away, I tried cutting, it didn’t help, I tried popping tylenol whenever I felt down,Â and it helped for a while, but it doesn’t anymore. I’ve tried just crying for a long time, it made me feel worse.
I’m only 13, and life has already ended for me. My past is full of the mistakes I made, all the things people said and did, my present is blurred by the tears I just can’t shed, and my future is invisible.
I can’t see myself living until Monday even! I can just barely struggle and pull myself through the day. When I try to think of the future, I picture a casket, I picture people’s reactions when they see me kill myself, I plan out each and every bit of stinging revenge I can take by just watching their faces as I bleed out in front of their eyes.
It’s a constant temptation. All those medications I can swallow, the array of knives I can slash my throat with, all the buildings I can just jump off. All the bleach, cleaners, and poison I can drink, it all looks so good to me. I just want to slip away, like tears down the shower drain.