I’m considering suicide. I feel like it’s time, like there’s nothing else I’m meant to do. Like my purpose here is kinda done. Does it suck? Hell yeah it sucks. I feel like I had potential, I had a future. I’m an incredibly talented guy. Everyone has said that I’m one of the best actors they’ve ever seen and that I’ve got a shot to make it big. I’m an ambitious filmmaker and I’ve won awards for some of the scripts I’ve written. I’m recently teaching myself guitar and piano, since I’ve already taught myself drums (not too hard). I’ve written two albums of songs (indie songs in the creative style of Regina Spektor and Iron and Wine) that my two friends have called “amazing.”
But…have you ever seen Back to the Future part 2? I freaking love those movies…anyways, in BttF2, the main character accidentally alters the present by effing up the past, creating an “alternate timeline.”
That’s what I feel happened to my life: an alternate timeline was created.
I’m hollow, lonely, scared and ashamed of myself.
Yet, when I read some of these articles written by others and I feel like…my gosh, I just feel for them. I want to help them. I don’t want them to carry through with their plans. I want them to live through these sad, terrible, horrific moments and see the potential they have. I want them to fix their alternate timeline.
I’m sure a lot of people do this, too. Maybe it’s the suicidal thoughts we share that help us realize how these other people feel. It helps us see the potential they have and what they’re capable of. It helps our hearts reach out to them. It drives us to talk, share, communicate, strive to help.
Will I ever say “I understand how you feel and I think killing yourself would be the only answer?” No, never. I’ll try to talk you through these shitty times and help you see everything you can be. Would I want someone telling me that stuff? Probably not…I feel like I’ve already made up my mind. But I never, in a trillion years, thought I would be suicidal. My mind is opening up to how it feels and how low someone really needs to be to consider something like that. When kids date for a few months and then break up, I can’t possibly believe that they’re heartbroken. When someone doesn’t get the job they apply for and they say they just want to die, it makes me want to laugh. I now know what it’s like and…I don’t know, I feel like I’m just rambling now.
Thanks for reading, I guess. I had a point…totally forgot what it was haha. Sorry.
3 comments
Reading the last part about ppl breaking up brought back memories. One of my old friends said she would kill herself if she didn’t dance with a guy that night. She would NEVER even think of suicide. And most of the guys believed her. Did she get a dance? No. She said that in November. It’s august, nine months later. She’s still as happy and anti-suicidal as ever.
Dear Kinda:
Your feelings of hollowness, loneliness, fear and shame are very natural — when a person becomes deeply depressed, the brain goes into a negative posture and begins repetitive loops of negative thoughts.
You can live through this.
It sounds like you are a very talented person in many areas.
Please listen to the strong parts of your character that urge you to help others in their dark times.
And show yourself the same kindness that you would show others — seek out a counselor — and maybe some medication — and get help for the richer future which is surely awaiting you.
Start a new timeline.
And consider using your artistic and film talents to create a song or film about surviving these dark periods in life. Other people would gladly share their experiences with you. Like the creative people of the past, use the pain as fuel for the art.
Remember, in the Back to the Future movies, eventually everything worked out — the time travel device was finally left in the past, where it belonged.
Many blessings on you for a newer and happier timeline,
Struggling to Survive (been there)
what you said about kids breaking up and not being heartbroken is not always true. yes, im a kid, but im very passionate about the people i date. if i find out they have been cheating on me, it makes me feel like im a piece of crap. a tool. so kids can be heartbroken about breakups. sorry if it sounds like im mad at you. im just venting out my feelings.. haha.. ha.. umm.. bye. -Pokey