I’ve been contemplating suicide for about a year now. I was on birth control pills to help regulate my period and insulin levels. I used to blame my depression on the pills but even after I got off of them I still have really low lows of depression. I graduated high school at 16 because I couldn’t stand all the drama. People were so petty and fake I couldn’t take it anymore so I got out of there. Maybe I felt like people would really think what I did was amazing. I grew up in a small rural town where nobody graduates early so maybe I expected some recognition. Ive never been the type to want any but I worked hard and I guess I thought at least my friends would congratulate me. They didn’t. They were either jealous or upset that I left them. Aren’t friends supposed to be proud of your accomplishments? My parents and boyfriend were proud of me and I just took what I could get from them and tried to put those two years of hard work behind me. I went to a four year university and I am still there but I don’t know what I want to do. I know some people have a hard time deciding what they want to do after school but some people blame my troubles on the fact that I raced out of school. It seems that now my challenge to get myself to a better life has thrust me into a world of pain and frustration. I want to be more independent. I’ve always felt like a 20 year old and now that I am 17 and a sophomore in college I feel I should have the freedom of at least an 18 year old but my parents won’t give it to me. My mother guilt trips me into feeling like I’m trying to remove her from my life when I ask for a chance at more responsibility. I feel guilty when I cry about my problems (only a tiny fraction is listed here) or cry because Im depressed. I feel guilty because I don’t live in poverty, I was never tortured and I haven’t lost a limb or my sight. I can’t talk to anyone because I feel like they will think I’m just being stupid. So, I put on a smile and tell people my ambitious goals and cry when I’m alone. I have low self esteem, I’m tired mentally and physically, I’m depressed, I feel like people don’t care about me, I’m lost and confused, my memory is bad, it’s hard for me to organize thoughts, and I’m a lousy test taker. I always get into fights with my parents and everything always comes out being my fault. I want to leave this world to get away from everything. I can’t take a vacation because of financial troubles and my mother took my wanting to get away from everyone as I wanted to get away from her. Another fight started and I was at fault again. It seems like death is the only way out. If you want me to go more in detail about my parents let me know but I don’t have time to right now. I need to go out into the world and fake my happiness and contentment. (Please don’t mention anything about a god for I don’t believe there is one and any comments about finding god will not help me and will be ignored. )
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it’s waaayy too early for you to be thinking as death as the only way out. no one has freedom at 17!!!!! and congratulations for graduating at 16! dude thats awesome, i couldnt even graduate cuz i was so lazy i cant imagien actualyl doing it by 16. haha ok so you need to remain in college and at home till youre through with school or until you can afford to move out, (it’s not suffering, everyone goes through it! when iwas 23 i had to move back home after breaking up with my bf and i went out for drunks and my mom got so mad, as if i was 15 or something! it happens to us all lol) then save some money and travel like you want and mov eout of that rural town, moving to a new city will give you a new perspective on life and you’ll make new firends and date and your relationship with your parents will be better since u dont have to see them everyday and you’ll figure out what you want to do with your life then. no one can decide what they want for their life at 17!! youre still a kid, just look to the future and think of the possibilities that can come, that should put your depression at ease a bit. and don;’t have a kid till yuore ready, meaning AFTER 28 years old haha
Well – imagine that you were a plant that was trying to grow really fast and tall and somebody put a lid on you so you couldn’t grow.
That’s what your mom is doing, and that’s what the people around you are doing – they’re limiting you based on their own limitations. Nobody likes to see somebody else do better than they’re doing, they get jealous.
We’re taught opposite things all the time and then have to figure out some way to live with the clashing messages bashing around in our heads – like what you said about, “aren’t friends supposed to be proud of your accomplishments”.
People generally *aren’t* proud of us when we do better than they do – usually they’re jealous. It’s only in sappy Disney movies that everybody is all lovey-dovey and supportive and whatever. In real life? People are jealous and angry and resentful and competitive and will do anything to keep you down, even though they often have no idea they’re doing it.
Read about gifted kids. People don’t understand what you’re going through because they don’t have your same potential. Gifted kids can feel like failures because they *know* they have the potential to do things really well, but there are all kinds of obstacles in your path. So you constantly feel like a failure because you’re not living up to your potential. You *know* you can do that thing, jump that high, but something keeps blocking you. So you feel frustrated and stuck, like you can’t grow. Just like the plant I mentioned.
Try not to take it personally. Just realize that most people are selfish and narrow-minded and can’t see past the ends of their own nose. Just do what you have to do and don’t feel guilty or apologetic about it. Help your mother where and when you can, but don’t let her hold you back. It’s time for you to spread your wings and leave the nest, and your mom is afraid of being left behind. You can feel sorry for her if you want, but don’t let it stop you from leaping out into the world. She is *not* your responsibility. If anything, *you* are *her* responsibility, and she’s shirking that responsibility (of being a proper parent) by not helping you do whatever you need to do to get ahead in this life. She’s being incredibly selfish (and yes, she may have her reasons. But still – you must not sacrifice your own life for hers!)
Also, get angry. (Depression is anger turned inward – to get rid of depression, turn the anger back outward to where it belongs – at the people and/or circumstances in your life that have you feeling trapped.)
Get angry that your mother is being so selfish and childish. Really, truly. You’re 17, you *need* to be taking on more responsibilities in order to learn how to be self-sufficient.
Your mother is being clingy, which may have perfectly valid reasons, but she’s still your *mother*, not your child, not your buddy. You have no responsibility to take care of her, no matter what she says. That’s like expecting the apple to be responsible for the health of the tree… It’s just backwards and upside-down and plain wrong.
When things are going right, parents are supposed to be there for their kids, supporting them and encouraging them.
But if your mom has led an unsatisfying life and maybe doesn’t get a lot of what she needs emotionally and otherwise, she may be trying to get some of that from you. Which is natural and understandable, since you’re there, and who else does she have to turn to? Plus you’re smart and sensitive, so you naturally respond to her needs because you can, because you understand her.
But the problem is, it’s not a two-way street. She doesn’t spend as much time trying to understand you as you do trying to understand her. That’s because you’re smarter than she is.
So you’re being penalized for your intelligence by being sucked in by these other folks who play on your guilt.
It’s like a field of grass where one blade grows taller – there’s this natural human urge to level the field, to cut down all the ones who stick up ‘too high’ so that nobody has to feel bad about themselves for being less intelligent or whatever.
You don’t have to feel guilty about who you are, or your gifts, or what you want to do or who you want to be in life.
Also, and forgive if this sounds a bit lecture-y or preachy, but realize that people will *always* be trying to bring you down and trip you up unless you start to show some humility. Recognize that being smart doesn’t make you a better human than they are.
I know for myself I often get egotistical *because* I never got any appreciation for my achievements. I started to look down on others because they would never acknowledge my ‘gifts’.
Well, *that* sure backfired!
You don’t have to be falsely humble either (actually, you’ll just have to experiment and find out what works with each situation and person).
Your ego needs are real and valid, it’s just that if you go to someone like your mom who has less talent and skill than you, and who also has a whole lot of her life *behind* her, with whatever opportunities she feels like *she’s* missed, she doesn’t have much to give you.
If you want to be appreciated, you have to find somebody who’s already successful and achieved a lot who doesn’t feel threatened by you. They’re more likely to see what you’re doing and applaud you for it. Just human nature.
Graduated at 16? You are AWESOME!!!!:) Be proud of yourself, that is a major accomplisment that not many people can claim! I would suggest you google **suicide and the gifted child** and YOU ARE GIFTED…..even though it may not feel like it. There are many informative pages about this subject, and you need to read them!
When i was in the 6th grade i tested at “genius level” but what does that mean really??? I found out (After i had graduated high school) that when i was in elementary school they wanted to bump me up two grades, looking back on it i wish my mom had let them because i never fit in with people my own age and my friends were always two years or more older than me. My mother graduated at 16, but emotionally she was not ready so she had a very VERY hard time. I was ready but she held me back out of fear. At the time i was in school they were just “developing” a gifted program, so they really didn’t know what to do with me. They called us “floaters” and the program was a joke. As a result i was bored in school, so i did good to average, yet i always felt “behind” in my life. I was a BIG daydreamer. Now i’m 33 and i STILL don’t know what i want to do with my life!!! I’ve dappled in and out of Universities and am one year away from my bachelors degree(Do you know how pathetic i feel?) But i cannot commit because i don’t really like anything that much. You know that saying where people should find a job that “doesn’t FEEL like a job, where you are eager to get up every morning………i don’t know ANYBODY like that”! All i can say is use this time to really look at yourself and explore your career options. Be your own therapist….think about what you like and what you don’t like. Where can you imagine yourself working? You may not come up with anything for awhile, but keep researching jobs on the internet. Make it like your second major! Half the time study for school and the other half spend time studying YOU! Hopefully, eventually it will come to you……You still have sooo much time 🙂
I know moms can be naggy and needy. If you don’t already, is it possible for you to live on campus? If not, then just get busy, REALLY BUSY, don’t be around to hear your moms neediness. It may be hard at first but when she starts in on you just tell her that you’re busy or that you need to study, that you can’t concentrate on her right now because you need to focus on yourself and your school work. Yes, she may act hurt at first and even cry and try to make you feel bad, but don’t fall for it….she will eventually get over it. There will come a time in your life when you realize that you can no longer live to make other people happy. Make yourself happy. If you stand up for yourself and keep standing up for yourself people will respect you more, respect your time, and you will be happier( I am STILL working on expressing MY feelings, and because i started so late most people are used to me holding everything in so when i finally do speak they don’t respect what i have to say, don’t respect my time, and i am unhappy) So you START NOW, don’t let them get you down girlie! 🙂
Still, my advice to you would be to STAY IN SCHOOL!!! I kick myself everyday for not finishing, it is sooooooooo hard to go back once you have left!!! Do not get pregnant, protect yourself, a child will only make things worse. Can you imagine what it would feel like to say,”Well yeah i never graduated from college, but i graduated from high school at 16……..” I don’t have children but i see how hard it is for people that do. It is easy to get caught up with boys(or girls) and use “falling in love” as a form of escape.
It is hard for most people to understand what a “gifted”(Ugh i hate that term) person goes through, so GO EASY ON YOURSELF! I don’t know where you go to school but i would definately say get out of that hick town as soon as you can. Look online for ***gifted people resources*** because what you need is other people like you to talk to, they will be supportive, because they know what you’re going through. I truly hope you don’t kill yourself because you seem like a great girl(and yes, you can get a feeling for a person’s personality just by reading what they write) 🙂 Stay Strong because you are strong!
Just putting it out here: thanks for the responses. I am actually a state away at college but I still need to run everything by my parents. It’s rediculous. I don’t beleive my parents are jealous of me. They are both scientists and my mother is from another country where their school system is different and high school is like college for them. Everybody graduates at 15 or 16 there.
Sorry if I misunderstood about your parents.
I think what I was trying to say is that when you’re really smart, people tend to have all kinds of expectations of you that can be pretty hard to live up to.
Even geniuses need somebody to talk to, somebody to give them a hug, somebody to encourage them when they’re frustrated. In fact, maybe even more so, because the expectations are so high, every failure feels that much more painful.
Also, it’s harder to get help when you’re smart – everybody figures you can handle it. Whereas someone with a lot of obvious problems – like a mental handicap or something – you know, people feel sorry for them. People seem to have a lot less patience with smart folks making mistakes.
But you know what? Everyone makes mistakes. No exceptions. It’s how we learn.
Can you talk to your parents about this? It may seem like they’ll think your problems are stupid, but maybe you could start by saying, “Hey, there’s some stuff I really need to talk about but I’ve been afraid to because I’m afraid you’ll make fun of me or think I’m stupid.”
Then see how they react. They may surprise you – often, if you seem really self-sufficient and competent, parents will sort of ‘forget’ that you’re still a kid, that you still need their help sometimes.
And they also forget that, while you may still need their help, you’re also becoming an adult, and need to be allowed to make your own mistakes.
A mistake parents often make is seeing their childrens’ problems as a reflection on the *parents* – if the kid is having a problem, they feel like it’s somehow their fault. So they don’t let you take any risks.
But this can suffocate and stifle you, and also feel like they don’t trust you.
They need to give you some space to learn things your *own* way, while still being there when you need them. They need to back off a little, but without abandoning you.
It’s a tough balance, for everybody.
Are you an only child, by any chance? Often high-achieving parents consider their children as another ‘achievement’, and forget that you’re a person in your own right. They get caught up in not making any mistakes, and the pressure can be horrible, for you and for them. If you’re the only child, then all that pressure gets focused on you, and it can be like this big pressure cooker. You feel like you’re constantly performing, never allowed to relax, never allowed to make any mistakes. No human being should be subjected to this kind of stress!
Tell your parents to read about the emotional needs of gifted children. Sounds like they need to take a chill pill.
Thanks for the advice. No I’m not an only child and in fact I think my brother is smarter than me. He has a better vocabulary and would get better grades if he did his homework though he always aces his tests.
I’ve tried talking to my parents in the past and basically wording it like ” mom (she’s the one I can talk to. my dad isn’t a talker and thinks I psycho analyze him and try to get into fights) I need to talk” I say my problem but in the end it becomes a shouting match or I go away feeling sad/ stupid. Today I told her I was depressed and anxious and Ive been off the birth control for long enough that I know it’s not still in my system. She said i should work out more so I can release more endorphins to make me feel better. I was frustrated because she said I should get to the point when I become addicted to exercise. I said I didn’t agree with her plan and she said that it’s like taking a pill but with fewer side effects. (all of this happened with her sounding like she was in a crap mood).
And they don’t forget I’m a kid. They always treat me like it and then when I complain they pull something out of their ass like “well we let you drive around to see your friends. Your so ungrateful. We give you so much freedom” My parents wouldn’t have time to read any books about gifted children and my dad will laugh at the idea. I tried to talk to him about our fighting and he laughed at me.