I’m really not quite sure what’s wrong with me. I just want something. I’m just lonely and angry and tired. I’m sick of everyone and anything. I’d love to hang myself. I’d love to. I just can’t, though. I can’t find it in me to look for a simple rope. Or something to tie myself to. I can tie a slipknot. I’ve practiced. But that’s it…I just don’t have it in me to try a little harder.
That’s my problem. I just don’t have it in me. I want this so much. I want this so much it’s unbelievable. I’ve gotten myself high on cough medicine, that’s how hopeless I am, so why can’t I find it in me to do this? I just can’t. I don’t know why.
I’m not worried about hurting anyone. My family doesn’t need me. My “friends” don’t even give a crap about me. There’s one girl, who I literally hinged my entire life on. She was my reason to live. She was my best friend…and honestly, I hate to admit it, but I think I might have loved her. It’s insane, you know? I’m a girl. I shouldn’t. Does anyone else see how wrong it is? It’s wrong. I feel so terrible. Why me? I’m just your average girl, raised in a very conservative family, and of course I fall for a girl, of all people. I thought I was just asexual for a while or something. Guys never interested me. But, no, of course, it had to be this. I’d rather be asexual. I’d much rather be asexual than this…
This girl hates me now, though. She found out I’ve…cut myself. I used to burn myself. Burning was so much crazier, you know? She knew that, but she didn’t care. Maybe because at the time, she was like me. I loved the sight of dancing flames, she loved the sight of oozing blood. That’s all. But she moved out of it. She was able to heal. But I still kept on beating myself up, burning myself, scarring myself, internally, externally, starving myself, depriving myself of basic needs because I believed, I fully believed, I still believe, that I deserve the worst there is. When I die, I’m going straight to hell, for being a…a lesbian…and for being a *****, and for being such a terrible person.
She had no clue how dependent I was on her. She really was my reason for trying. But I just put so much of my effort into helping her heal. I don’t know why I was willing to help her heal when I couldn’t even bring myself to do anything. I guess it’s because I loved her. I don’t even know why I loved her so much! It’s psychotic. I’m psychotic. Why would I be so stupid?
It’s incredible that she was clueless the entire time. I don’t know. When she found out I had cut myself, she was so insanely angry. Offended, I guess, that I’d do that unspeakable thing that she’d long ago abandoned. I said I’d stop! But I haven’t. She hasn’t spoken to me in two months. I don’t know why I’m so retardedly dependent on her. I’m still hoping she’ll talk to me sometime. I don’t know. Just on facebook. Something. I don’t know! Why can’t I get over the fact that she hates me now? It’s because she was all I had. I’m still clinging to her! I just can’t bring myself to let go. She hates me. That’s it. Move on. But I can’t! I’ve been suicidal since I was eight, but this is just the worst. This feeling is the worst I’ve felt in a long time.