I am tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow I need to wake up at 6 in the morning. Im a terrible human being. A lot of people love me. There’s a woman who I think I’m in love with. But, limerence…
What an awful thing. The moment that someone becomes important to me, I already start preparing for losing them. Because I associate love with loss?
Before leaving for my studies, I spent half an hour crying. Before that I played sad tunes on my guitar until my arm hurt. Now, before going to bed, I watched porn. Who am I?
The worst thing is that she makes me happy. I like her. I really do like her. But because of her, I’m forced to be confronted with the worst parts of myself. This is an important battle… I can’t run away anymore.
I tried to run away. From everything. But I can’t run away anymore. It doesn’t matter where I am, or who I am with. I can’t escape myself. I’m the only person that I can never be free from. I’m the only person that I can’t run away from. How awful. Maybe I’m a coward for not wanting to face myself and reality.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know what to do. Or think. Or feel. There are so many heavy emotions on me. I don’t know how I will make it through this week… and then I have to make it through the next one too? And the same thing until I am dead.
I have nothing more to say.
2 comments
starting with the end bit, because that seems more important; you don’t have to get through any more time than you feel like you can handle. Next week, next month, next year? Focus on next hour, at most next day. Then when you do get through, look back, how did it go? Room for improvement?
either it’s relatively normal, or I’m just the same kind who plans for loss when I meet someone. I’ve been with my wife for 10 years now, and it still creeps up the back of my head “what if she left?” “what if she died” and she just keeps on proving me wrong. I’m less nervious about it now than I was, because we’ve had some good years.
but someone worthwhile is going to work with it. Remind yourself that she isn’t the same as the one you lost. New person, new traits to learn. If you’re ready, be honest with her about it. She doesn’t have to know every dark corner of your soul, but she might be able to help you come to terms with self.
Thank you