Life is a series of chemical reactions.

My mind plagues me.

On a second to second basis, it frantically searches for something of worth. Meaning. Value.

I did college. I tried settling down. As my list of accomplishments lengthens so does my desire to end it.

Why? I have good job, a degree, a child,  so much to want for but I struggle to do it anymore.

Recently, I have been filled with a somber darkness. An acceptance of the conditions of life.  Things never get better or worse. It’s only an illusion of getting worse, or better depending on your plight.

I realized that life is  a series of chemical reactions. Leading us from one moment to the next into these extreme highs and lows and the point of the game seems to be maintaining your sanity and  celebrating the highs and dispelling the lows.

Now as one accomplishment bleeds into the next I feel nothing. And no desire to look for something to renew my passion.

Every friend I have is entangled in some sort of relationship and whether happy or not, they view my perspective as that of a subterranean homesick alien, a lost, lonely soul with no connection to this time or place.

I haven’t decided how, when, or if I’m going to end it all. Maybe if I can find a place where me and things go together, I can make sense of it all.